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Tan-man George Hamilton |
It’s never been a secret to me that when a
sexy woman bats her … uh ... assets in my general direction, I
become a lost little puppy dog willing to do just about anything
to ingratiate myself and secure a place in her high esteem. I
just always saw that as one of my weaknesses. So you can imagine
my disdain when I learned that for a measly $4,950 (plus the
costs of books, DVDs, private coaching and optional getaways),
any woman could exploit this kink in my armor by learning the
art of sexuality and worldly pleasures from her gender’s very
own sexual Sun Tzu, Regena
Thomashauer, or
Mama Gena as she’s known to her students. Though admittedly I
only recall her as the middle-age spokeswoman for KY lubricating
jelly, Thomashauer has been featured on The Today Show
and 20/20, and has written three books on the
subject of embracing the pleasures of life. Her courses at
Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts in New York cover
subjects such as “Partying With Your Inner Bitch” and
“Owning and Operating Men.” Every little head whose big head
read that last sentence just shuddered and scoffed, but what if
I told you this female mumbo-jumbo actually works? Brace
yourself. It does. I saw it in action. It was working some
miracles on greater men than I. Who could be greater, you ask?
Well, how about Hotlanta native Ludacris? The rapping
superstar, who could have been partying at any of the über-exclusive
nightspots that line South Beach, but after reportedly slurping
some oysters at Table 8, he was instead chilling and downing a
pitcher of beer on Friday night at the Rooftop Lounge
located at the Townhouse Hotel. He was there because,
much like a lost little puppy dog, he was following one of the
80 or so Mama Gena students who made their way down to South
Beach and the National Hotel, their home base for this
optional (extra $$) hedonistic voyage aimed at putting all those
hard-learned lessons to practical use.
The
effectiveness of the program was more than adequately
exemplified when two of the sultry Sister Goddesses, as they
call themselves, berated promoter Chris Chrebet to change
the music format from house to hip-hop. Now that might not seem
like a big deal, except this house party had been advertised,
promoted and hyped as a house music night. And playing hip-hop
all evening would be counterproductive to establishing a
reputable house music scene at the establishment. Armed solely
with the tools learned at the school, the Sister Goddesses got
their way in the end when the Hooked on House weekly party
quickly became hooked on hip-hop. All it took was nothing more
than a loving gaze and a less than subtle caress on the arm.
Wow, now that’s what I call poonani power.
Jesus
H. Christ-ina!
That
must have been what Christina Aguilera exclaimed when she
pulled up to Cameo after her concert at the
BankAtlantic Center on Cinco de Mayo and saw that someone
had misspelled her name on the building’s marquee. Christina,
whose name had been erected sans H, was less than thrilled and
had one of the club’s employees insert the missing consonant
around 2:00 in the morning. That, however, was the one thing her
pre-arrival team didn’t catch in time. Like a presidential
motorcade, X-tina’s presence was foreshadowed by a bevy of
security sweeps of the VIP stage and surrounding areas. Security
blocked access to the area while agents checked every nook and
cranny for anything suspicious. Can you imagine what Osama could
do to this country if he got his slimy little hands on America’s
Dirty Genie in a Bottle!
Swingers and Sex Swings
Indra
Lounge saw its
share of flesh on Saturday night when the monthly Skin party
held court there and brought with it a virtual cornucopia of
people re-enacting the Kama Sutra to the sounds of DJ Matt E
Love. With absolutely no regard for the
hands-in-their-pockets voyeurs nestled around them, the crowd of
sexy albeit slutty lipstick-lesbian-ish women paraded
their scantily clad bodies on the dance floor and found love at
every turn.
“This is
great! There are a bunch of chicks all over each other and
eating each other out. I love it. What more could you ask for?”
said a self-described IP junkie watching his girlfriend go to
town on another random girl on a sex swing. He wished to remain
anonymous as the shame of his public sex acts would apparently
be too much to bear outside this almost-orgy.
Spotted
*Scott
Storch strutting like RuPaul on the runway on Friday
night at Mansion for the “Sapporo-Inspired” fashion show
*Ryan
Gosling smiling for each and every fan with a camera at
Set on Thursday night
*Local
celeb with that Deco Drive flair, Louis Aguirre,
at the Townhouse Hotel on Saturday night
*The
Brazilian Girls drinking beer at The Room on Wednesday (last
week) and then again at Joe Budious’ downtown Miami
warehouse. Wow, these New Yorkers really know where all the cool
locals hang, huh?
*Wayne Brady
and fellow funnyman Shawn Wayans (or DJ SW1 to
In Living Color fans) watching the De La Hoya/Mayweather
fight at the Park Bar & Grill. Zach Thomas of the Miami
Dolphins also got his pugilist on.
*
Tan-man George Hamilton relaxing at the Rose Bar at
Delano Tuesday and Jerry Bruckheimer that same night
hitting the party at the Blue Door at Delano.
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