Meet the Stalker

By Kris Conesa

John Mayer

Masahiko Shizawa would have made a great paparazzo. Had he applied his unique talents to photography or even interviewing skills, perhaps he could have avoided all the messy legalities he was forced to endure after being deported back to Japan for the petty crime of stalking Britney Spears. His methods included such ingenious tactics as sending sex toys to the pop tart through the mail. If I’m not mistaken, that’s the same ploy Kevin Federline used to woo the toxic star. Anyway, Shizawa should be an example to us all.

Even halfway across the globe, his tenacity hasn’t faltered. He also filed a lawsuit against Spears claiming her bodyguards caused him emotional distress. Talk about really wanting your day in court. Still, there can be no denying that had he picked up a camera instead of a 12-inch rubber cock and some postage stamps, he would be far better off. Such tenacity would have surely grossed him a profitable quarter.

Those of us in the media should take a page from his book, or that of other creepers like Ambrose Kappos. His claim to fame, or rather his subject, was none other than Sheryl Crow. After stalking the singer for quite some time, he wanted to have some fun. So, he snuck backstage to meet her, and then called her his “spiritual twin.” Weird? Yes, but had he gotten a photo, that would have been a horse of an entirely different color.

My favorite inspiration, though, has to be Zack Sinclair. He went to jail because God (his editor) told him to pray with Mel Gibson and he tried a little too hard — much like I did all last week with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer as I followed and chronicled their budding love.

Stalker Notes

Last Thursday at 10:30 p.m., and again around the same time on Friday, I was seated at the Mandarin Oriental’s Café Sambal two tables away from and directly facing Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer.

The new couple, in the company of two other females, enjoyed some drinks and cigarettes. Jen, who was wearing a blue top and white pants, drank white wine and smoked at least four Marlboro Ultra Lights after dinner; John, who was super casual in a white T-shirt and jeans, drank red wine and smoked a Merit. Throughout the two hours or so that they were seated at their table, John kept placing his left arm on Jen’s back and rubbing it in a loving, lustful manner. She, in turn, admired his tattoo and placed her arms around him.

They seemed to be in great spirits as they drank and smoked.

At one point, John grabbed Jen and pulled her in for a peck on the lips, much to the delight of the two women sitting with them. He was very jovial and took the lead in the discussions, at one point telling Jen, “We should just go crazy on Saturday night.”

Well, let me tell you folks, they didn’t wait till Saturday night’s wrap party at Nikki’s in Coconut Grove to heat things up. Perhaps you’ve seen the photos of Johnifer in the pool getting, uh, well, wet. I know that’s what they did because I was there. It was hot, even when Aniston’s bodyguards threatened to have us arrested. Haters.

I’m just doing my job, guys. This is important stuff. It’s crucial that we get it right. I mean, look what happened to William Lepeska when he got erroneous information. He became fixated on Anna Kournikova, swam naked across Biscayne Bay and climbed up on the deck of what he thought was her house, yelling, “Anna, save me!” All that wasted work for nothing, not to mention that he got arrested and sent to the nuthouse. Is that want you want for me?

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. While other celebrity stalkers lament the loss of A-list talent walking our streets, eating at our favorite restaurants or just the extra cash the filming of Marley & Me brought to Miami, I will not. For one thing, I have Al Reynolds. He doesn’t eat at Café Sambal, so I’ll happily avoid being forced to eat there anymore.

Upcoming:

The Chanel Cruise Collection has sailed on a yacht on the River Seine, arrived in Grand Central Terminal in New York City, landed by private jet at a hangar at the Santa Monica Airport and trailed through the landmarks of Paris on Parisian buses. The Collection, inspired by the culture of travel, is on the move again — this year to the Raleigh Hotel on Miami Beach. Tonight, the legendary Karl Lagerfeld will host the show as well as the party that will follow. Past Chanel guests have included Demi Moore, Jessica Alba, Lily Allen, Eva Mendes, Victoria Beckham, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Lindsay Lohan, Ali Larter, Dita Von Teese, Angie Harmon, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cat Power and Elisha Cuthbert.

Spotted:

Owen Wilson two Tuesdays ago at Mokai after the Kanye West concert with Lucy and Joanna, then on Saturday at Quattro on Lincoln Road with Nicola Siervo, owner of both Quattro and Mokai, and again eating at Cipriani’s in SoHo, N.Y. with, you guessed it, Nicola Siervo. We sense a theme here. Jeez, we’re in for a long summer.