Were these people the victims of a cruel Wiki-hoax?

Surfing the net, Murmurs came across news that a World Nude Bike Ride event was coming to Miami Beach on Saturday, June 9. “Why participate?” the Wiki information site/blog WNBR entry asks before answering its own question (don’t you hate it when people do that?). “Everyone’s going to be hot, naked and sweaty. Of course, you can always start a WNBR in northern Iceland if you’d prefer.…”

 

Hardy, har-har. Well, Anonymous Wiki Person, it just so happens that naked people took to their bikes in various cities all over Great Britain. So why not Iceland? Huh? Huh? After all, WNBR is a global phenomenon, much like poker tournaments and socialism and religion and reality television shows, with the first naked biking event occurring in Zaragoza, Spain, in 2001. And while riding around naked is probably fun and all, there seems to be a purpose: publicizing bicycles as a more environmentally friendly form of transportation, highlighting the effects of global warming, protesting war, dispelling disgust about the human body, etc.

 

And so, Murmurs ventured forth to the Lincoln Road movie theater at Lincoln and Alton Road in search of naked bikers. Almost immediately, Murmurs found squads of Miami Beach Police officers dressed in uniform blues and whites heading toward the median. Drat. Someone from Homeland Security must have been surfing the net for threats to Americans, like naked bicyclists, and alerted the authorities. Also present, a dozen or so newspaper photographers, reporters and television camera personnel (slow news day). There were a few people from Critical Mass passing out fliers about a clothed bike riding event being planned for the last Friday of every month at 5:30 p.m. (There’s your plug, kids.) And, after looking really hard, Murmurs found a handful of clothed bicyclists who were working up the courage to go naked.

 

If only they could find a leader. Or at least an organizer. It seemed Anonymous Wiki Person, after exhorting people to ride around nude on a popular South Beach pedestrian mall, was nowhere to be found.

 

“I’m a potential naked bicyclist but no one else is here,” complained Chad Cunha, a 20-year-old from Wynwood wearing a T-shirt and shorts. “Whoever decided to do this, it was planned badly.” Cunha was here with 18-year-old Kevin Fernandez of Miami Beach, and a young woman with glasses, shorts and a pink shirt who declined to give her name or reason for being there, stating, “I don’t like talking to people.” A few feet away, a man dressed as a giant bowling pin with the mark of Lucky Strikes passed out fliers. Photographers wondered what they were doing there. “I see more press here than participants,” a scribe for MiamiBeach411.com commented.

 

Standing beside a planter and watching the spectacle was Eugenio Diaz, 40, of Kendall, and his friend Raymer Perez. Diaz’s bike was chained a few feet away. He wore overalls and nothing underneath. Diaz came to ride naked but, not seeing any organizers and plenty of uniformed cops (including at least one squad car and a police van), quickly figured it wasn’t worth it.

 

Nina and Julio of Critical Mass, who declined to give Murmurs their last names, were content to pass out fliers. Their mission: to encourage people about their bike riding events in downtown Miami and to trade in their cars for bicycles. The pair was willing to ride down to the beach with naked people, but they intended to do it fully clothed. As the minutes went by, the crowd of onlookers and potential naked bikers grew. Julio winced at the sight of one long-haired, slender man with a tank top. “Oh God,” he said. “He always shows up drunk and belligerent at our events.”

 

Tank Top Man didn’t like Murmurs taking photographs of the bicyclists. He chose to introduce himself by saying, “Don’t take our picture! Are you CIA? Are you gonna snitch on us, man?” He later got into Murmurs’ face again, inquiring an identity. After Murmurs foolishly gave him a card with all the vital details of location, he asked with eyes that did not suggest peace, love and alternative fuel, “Where do you live? Because we are going to have a party at your house. You’re getting something out of this, right? You should buy us beers.”

 

Sensing indecision, six police officers approached the gathering with a smiling, and friendly, Lt. David de la Espriella in the lead. De la Espriella informed those assembled that a permit was needed for a demonstration, public nudity was illegal in Miami Beach and bicycling and in-line skating on Lincoln Road were also against the law. Cunha asked if they could ride along another street to the beach. “As long as you are not naked it’s OK,” de la Espriella answered. “You mean if our genitalia is covered?” Cunha asked. “As long as you are not naked,” de la Espriella replied.

 

While de la Espriella informed the mostly patient group of bicyclists about the laws of the multibillion-dollar sandbar, Tank Top Man began shouting something about the SunPost and snitching while pointing directly at Murmurs. He then started yelling at the cops, calling them Nazis. Tank Top Man was ignored for a time, until finally two officers handcuffed him and took him to the squad car. Hot on their heels like hyenas on an unprotected lion cub were the photographers who had been waiting for the nude bike ride, snapping 20 pictures a second. It’s against the law to be on a bike intoxicated, de la Espriella informed Murmurs.

 

You also said bicycling and rollerblading on Lincoln Road are illegal. Has anyone ever been arrested for that?

 

The lieutenant shrugged.

 

With the police gone, Murmurs asked the remaining bicyclists if they planned to streak. The answer was overwhelmingly in the negative. “I was going to do it. Why not? The oil companies are a big problem. We need to do something about the fossil fuels,” said 41-year-old Ken Bauer. Bauer journeyed all the way from Flagler County to join the WNBR event that wasn’t to be. Did he regret making the trip only to remain clothed? “Coming to Miami is never a waste of time,” he answered, admitting he frequented the nude beach at Haulover. “There’s always something happening.”

 

Got Murmurs? E-mail editorial@miamisunpost.com. Comments? E-mail letters@miamisunpost.com.