Fascist Pigs Retake Paris!

By Kris Conesa

“Nazis Free Paris,” read the sign printed in shoe polish across two blankets hanging from the third-floor balcony of the posh condominium on Fifth Street and Ocean Drive. The poorly constructed political statement, attached by just a few pieces of electrical tape, admittedly had me bewildered. “Had the Bush administration forcibly occupied France while I was out getting a gelato?” was my initial reaction, followed by the more apropos thought, “Shit, maybe Paris Hilton shanked someone in jail and now they’re transferring her to death row and I’m out here on the beach with my gelato all willy-nilly!” Either way, this was a call to action. A reason to pick up arms and once and for all stick it to the fascist pigs who locked up my heiress, made driving with cocaine in the car illegal and unjustly persecuted heroes of the African-American community like Michael Jackson and O.J. Simpson. The fascist pigs deserve to pay, and if this clandestine organization is recruiting, I’d like to be the one who collects. Oh, yes, these people are going to pay what they owe!

The stealth handiwork of these unidentified political activists who quietly, and without any punctuation marks, decided to tell the world how they felt about this whole Paris situation implied that contact would be difficult. We thought we’d ask some of the passersby if they knew where one could find these crafty freedom fighters, and honestly, The 411 couldn’t help but wonder what the ramifications of invoking such powerful imagery would be. But alas, the ever-festive sand-dwellers hardly noticed the crude cry for uprising.

“Oh! Nazis Free Paris, is that what it says? I thought it said ‘free parking,’” said Gary Chrycy, an optometrist who didn’t even notice the sign until it was pointed out to him.

I was not deterred just because the optometrist was too blind to see that he was living in a world where he could be snatched from his mansion and thrown into a cell for little more than a parking ticket. That wasn’t going to stop me from enlisting in this new radical faction that would soon be changing terror alert levels to intense orange all across the country. Inside the recently opened eatery on the first floor of the building with the Free Paris sign, I expected more insight as to where exactly one could go to join this covert group of revolutionaries. “What sign?” the girl at the counter replied. It was around this time that I realized it was futile and began searching for another, more relevant cause.

This Thing of Ours

Bada bing, it’s over. The long-awaited finale of HBO’s The Sopranos aired on Sunday and left many fans bewildered and angry at the abrupt, albeit tension-heavy, ending. I for one thought my TiVo cut out. But, as one film student attending the Seminole Hard Rock Casino’s screening said, echoing the sentiments of the show’s creator, David Chase — closure is overrated. At the invite-only event, the cast strolled along a red carpet littered with microphones and screaming fans and on to a private dinner with some the hotel’s big spenders. The cast’s appearance at the Hard Rock was reportedly brokered by none other than family consigliere Silvio Dante, aka Steven Van Zandt. A member of Bruce Springsteen’s E-Street Band who is often referred to as Miami Steve or Little Steven Van Zandt, the family’s number-two guy has ties to the casino, as his band has played there many times. (In an interesting side note, Van Zandt is currently writing an educational lesson plan on rock ‘n’ roll history for the public schools.) Financial remuneration was given to the cast members, but the alleged sum of $500,000 reported in the New York Post has been repeatedly denied by Bernie Dillon, senior vice president of entertainment for the Hard Rock. James Gandolfini, who played the show’s family don and is often referred to as camera-shy, was true to his real-life persona and hung back with Michael Imperioli as some of the other cast members mingled and talked with their fans. Ever the gangster, Tony Sirico, aka Paulie Walnuts, showed up wearing a gray suit with a black shirt and dapper tie. Sirico, a true-life thug, spent some time behind bars for armed robbery in the ’70s, no doubt giving him something to draw upon when portraying his character on the show.

Spotted

*Brooke Hogan strolling along Lincoln Road Tuesday evening with a scruffy, young-looking male companion — no hand-holding or canoodling observed.

*Adam Levine and the rest of Maroon 5 having a late dinner at Nobu at the Shore Club Sunday.

*Gabrielle Union and Brooke Hogan dining separately at the Shore Club and Nobu Saturday night.

*Tennis vixen Anna Kournikova and Enrique Iglesias celebrating the former’s birthday with a dinner party at China Grill on Friday with about 15 friends in tow.

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