The SunPost

Kim Kardashian is on Best Host David Grutman's guest list.

Ahoy, there, land lovers! Smythe, the Caricature Pirate, here. Of course, you can also call me Captain Nightlife! Arrrr!

That’s right. Guys with eye patches dressed in puffy shirts get into the swankiest clubs all the time in Miami. You might say it’s the new fad. Or maybe doormen are just tired of the usual, cheesy locals who think they are entitled to pay a cover charge for entry into Privé just because they sold a house for a couple million dollars. It doesn’t work that way, mates! You gotta have charisma. Take notes and listen to the Smythe! Arrrr!

Step One: Dress up in a pirate outfit.

Step Two: Drink lots of rum before taking a cab to the hippest tavern ye can find.

Step Three: Embrace the warm, delusional feeling of confidence as you cut to the front of the line with your swashbuckling self and say, “I be Joe Schmoe and I demand entry into this establishment. Stand aside or I will make you walk the plank.”

Step Four: Punctuate your phrase with the word “Arrrrr!”

One of two things will happen: The doorman will either mace you in the eyes, or he will think you are part of some live entertainment show and let you in. Once inside, just keep actin’ like a pirate and people will buy you drinks for the privilege of photographing you. If you can bring a parrot along for the ride, all the better. Arrrrr!

Acting like a pirate is helpful in lots of situations: tax audits, job interviews, first dates. People ain’t sure if you be kiddin’ and they pretty much give you anything you want just so you leave ’em alone.

But that be enough chitchat. We give you the section dedicated to drinking and strutting your stuff. Best of Nightlife. Arrrrrr!

Personal Best: Irvine Welsh

Best Reason to Drink

George W. Bush

Let’s face it. The world is going to hell in a handbasket, and this bitch is Little Red Riding Hood. Where’s Osama, man? Hiccup. We had that motherfucker cornered and he let him go. He let him go, man. Stem cell bill vetoes, hello! Hiccup. Wake up, man! Jesus Christ would not hold hands with Saudi princes, I tell you what! Hiccup. This is some old bullshit, right here! Burp. I’m not drunk, man. I know I sound drunk, but check it, I know what I’m saying. It’s just, weapons of mass destruction, man. You know? Where are they, man? Where are they? Oh, geez, I need another drink. Location: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, D.C. Phone: 202-456-1111.

Best Restaurant/Lounge

The Forge

This one-of-a-kind resto-lounge is a Miami institution, possessing an old-world grandeur created by stained-glass walls and ceilings and a chandelier that once hung in James Madison’s White House. The Forge is known for serving one of America’s best steaks and housing a wine cellar containing over 380,000 bottles, including more than 500 dating from 1822. After dinner, The Forge turns into one of Miami’s best night scenes with Glass, a chic nightclub within the restaurant, where an exceptionally well-fed, well-heeled, beautiful party crowd, including celebrities, athletes and Fortune 500 types enjoy cocktails and dance the night away. Glass’ chic glass walls and intimate rooms are illuminated by a dizzying light show, and outrageous weekly theme parties include Michael Capponi’s fantastic Wednesday night soirees (formerly at B.E.D.) and Saturday’s Aquabooty. Location: 432 41st St., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-604-9798. Web site: www.theforge.com

Best Special Event Party

Ocean Drive Magazine/MarketAmerica’s Super Bowl XLI Pre-game Gala

On the eve of this year’s Super Bowl XLI, Ocean Drive Magazine, along with MarketAmerica threw the largest star-studded event of the year, live on the sands of Miami Beach. The official pre-game event attracted some of the biggest names in sports and entertainment, including Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Scarlett Johansson, Tara Reid, Gloria and Emilio Estefan, Alex Rodriguez, Hulk Hogan and Brooke Hogan, Fat Joe, Carl Ripken Jr. and Carl Lewis. The invited crowd of A-listers were treated to breathtaking performances by multiplatinum and Grammy Award-winning artist Fergie and Grammy Award-winning recording artists Marc Anthony, with special guest star Jennifer Lopez. Those on the exclusive guest-list enjoyed a four-course sit-down dinner prepared by celebrity Chef Todd English, served butler-style. Then the crowd danced on the sand while acclaimed DJ AM delivered his trademark sounds.

Modern-day pirates need a place to wind down, or wind up. ’Tis a grand time to be had at the The Pirate Republic in Fort Lauderdale, mateys. Just north of an unofficial pirate hangout, which books of forgotten lore call the Elbo Room, lies the official pirate hangout at 234 Almond Ave., just off of A1A. Self-proclaimed as “South Florida’s only pirate shop and bar,” the venue sells everything pirate-themed that you can imagine, including shirts, hats, flags, towels, swords, knives and bumper stickers. Owned and operated by non-practicing pirates, the swag is reasonably priced (if you’re going to take home kitschy souvenirs, they may as well be pilfered off busty mannequin-wenches).

Next door is The Pirate Republic’s Pirate Bar, where ye can partake in debauchery seven days a week in a truly pirate-themed bar. They’ve run the Jolly Roger up in all corners of this cabin (er, storefront), and bring a Sharpie when you go, because the place lets you tag the walls with all the pirate talk ye can muster. Simply hobble your peg leg to the bar, order a jug of something with three X’s on it, and end up punching out a frat kid.

Oh, and don’t forget to play a round of the ring toss game, a mental challenge of unparalleled difficulty in which a metal ring on a string attached to the ceiling is swung towards a big hook on a wall. If ye can affix the ring on the hook it’s pirate’s booty for all. OK, you don’t really get anything if you win, except the validation that you must not be drunk enough. Yet. So try a signature drink, one is poetically called “the Wench,” another the “Treasure Chest.” Call 954-779-7677 or visit www.myspace.com/thepiraterepublic. — Angie Hargot

Best Pickup Line

How Much for an Hour?

Admittedly not the safest of ideas, there can be no denying that this is the only surefire method to pick up some companionship simply by uttering one simple sentence. If you think pandering for sex is reprehensible, we need only remind you how much that last divorce cost you to put back into perspective your views on the world’s oldest profession. Besides, you try and hit up a honey with a cheesy line like, “If I would have written the alphabet, I’d put U and I together,” and see how that works out for you. Now, ask “How much for an hour?” on Biscayne Boulevard, and we guarantee your efforts and you will come to fruition. That is, unless the bitch is working undercover, but either way you’re sure to get fucked.

Best Anticipated Club Opening

Cameo

It seemed like the doors to the Cameo would never open. Almost a year passed from the night DJ Erick Morillo spun the last track that closed Crobar down to the day Cameo and the überexclusive Vice finally opened during Winter Music Conference ’07. After a failed buyout attempt by rival club owners, The Opium Group (Mansion, Opium/Privé, Set), the location was finally purchased by none other than Louis Puig, owner of the notorious after-hours haunt, Space. The money from the purchase was used to renovate the location while Puig’s influence and industry connections saw to it that the club had just as much substance as it did flash. This is most evident on Made in Miami Sundays, which feature the DJ styles of Oscar G and Ralph Falcon and who, collectively known as MURK, made their name spinning at Space. Location: 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach Phone: 305-532-2667.

Best Karaoke Night

Laundry Bar on Wednesday Night

Just walking down the block heading towards the only place one can simultaneously order a beer and wash their dirty underwear, patrons are sure to hear an arrangement of vocals being belted out from the tiny stage. Every Wednesday, like clockwork, the regulars consisting mostly of a motley crew of tattooed gender-bending cuties, take their turn at signing up to sing one of thousands of songs that are just calling out, waiting to be butchered. It’s all fun and games and there may be a drag queen or two, but for unpretentious karaoke-ing fun there can be no better destination. Location: 721 N. Lincoln Lane, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-531-7700.

Best Karaoke Host

Karaoke Miami

There are really sweet karaoke nights almost every night of the week throughout Miami. They’re in bars like Felt, Automatic Slim’s, Wet Willie’s, Laundry Bar and Score. And guess what: They’re all brought to you by the folks at Karaoke Miami. They have a huge selection of both popular and obscure songs to choose from, all of the best quality. You won’t find any MIDI-based melodies with cheesy graphics here; this is serious karaoke. So serious, in fact, that even Vince Neil took to the mike at Felt to sing his signature song from Mötley Crüe, “Girls, Girls, Girls.” Best of all, even when people butcher song after song, these guys keep smiling and keep the party going. Location: 9625 SW 16th St., Miami. Phone: 305-221-8106. Web site: www.karaokemiami.com

Best Place to See Naked Women

The Monthly Skin Party

At the strip club, you have to drop more than few singles on women you might not even be too attracted to. On the beach, between First and Third, they’re topless, but who wants to be caught peeping on the sand? There are children there, for God’s sake. For all those reasons and more, if you want to catch the softer sex in their full glory, be sure to attend one of the monthly skin parties currently being held at Indra Lounge. From behind the darkness, you can catch a bevy of lipstick lesbianish women engaging in all sorts of naked debauchery. If you’re lucky, they might even ask you to join in on the fun, or at least give them a push on the sex swing. Location: Indra Lounge, 841 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. Phone:

305-673-6047; 1-866-908-7546.

Best Over-the-Top Party Michael Capponi’s Birthday Bash

An elaborate affair, full of opulence and flash, Capponi’s 35th birthday party held at the Sunset Isles mansion of plastic surgeon Dr. Lenny Hochstein was, without a doubt, the grandest shindig in recent memory. The theme of the anachronistic affair was that of a Venetian Masquerade and featured performances from the New World Symphony Orchestra as well as models flinging rose pedals at the feet of all who entered. Guests included nightlife impresarios like Shareef Malnik and Tommy Pooch. The afterparty, held at Mansion, was equally grandiose and saw Cirque du Soleil-style acrobats hanging from the rafters.

Best Host

David Grutman

It doesn’t matter if you’re Kim Kardashian, Wilmer Valderrama or just some guy he told to come by Cameo when he was in a drunken stupor. If you’re on this man’s guest list, you’d better believe you’re getting in — VIP. Grutman’s infectious laugh and fistful of wristbands to get into Vice make him the man to see behind the velvet rope, and you’d be hard-pressed to find someone more qualified to ensure your night goes off without a hitch. It’s for that reason superstars like Christina Aguilera and Ashlee Simpson turn to him when they need to be catered to. Location: Cameo,

1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach Phone:

305-532-2667.

Best Late-Night Haunt

Goldrush

It’s the crack of dawn and even though the sun is about to become a major party foul, your need to keep the good times rollin’ is an insatiable hunger that you just can’t ignore. Maybe you just left Space and your eyes are the size of Frisbees. Maybe you just got kicked out of Twilo for being a little too exuberant. Either way, you can’t very well drive in this condition, at least not legally. What to do? What to do? How about strolling on over to a place where no one knows your name, and if they do they can’t tell anyone without being outed as well. With any luck maybe you can get one of the strippers to give you a ride… home, that is. Location: 15 NE 11th St., Miami. Phone: 305-358-9848.

Best Nightlife Couple

Beau Beasley and Michelle Pooch

Even though she’s married to the irrepressible nightlife promoter, Tommy Pooch, Michelle Pooch is rarely seen without her Beau by her side. Whether it be dancing on the table at The Delano, bowling a wicked 180 at Lucky Strike, or enjoying a casual dinner at Table 8, the dynamic duo is a nightlife force to be reckoned with. Beasley, who you might remember as one of the cast members of the television show Big Brother, is quite the socialite and has even taken to hosting his own parties. “I get home and Beau is there. I go to sleep and Beau is there. I wake up and Beau is there. I’m thinking about just telling him to move in and pay rent,” said Tommy Pooch playfully, remarking on his wife’s best friend and his competition.

Best Promoters

TAI Entertainment

Collectively known as TAI Entertainment, Tommy Pooch and Alan Roth are so full of hype they had to acquire their very own magazine just to have somewhere to put it all. The new Miami co-publishers of 944 Magazine have created a bevy of branded events not the least bit lacking in celebrity sightings. Some of their more noteworthy ventures include Soiree Sundays at The Raleigh Hotel, Tuesday Nights at The Delano and charity events like the Fashion Art Ball and The Beach Ball Festival. They even have a harem of lovely ladies they call the TAI Girls. Phone: 305-673-3873. Web site: www.taient.com

Best Little Bar in Town

Abbey Brewing Company

Truthfully, we didn’t want to tell you about this one. That’s how much we love the Abbey. If the whole world knew where a bunch of SunPost staffers hung out, you might all show up at once with your story ideas about that famous guy you met one time and how nice he was, that telephone pole that seems to be leaning slightly since the hurricane, or your neighbor’s unkempt ficus tree. Don’t get us wrong — we love those stories, but after one Abbey 12 or, well, any portion of the Brother’s Quad, or really any combination of the super cool micro brews, we generally can’t make promises to remember anything. Pay attention, we’re being honest here. There’s not a whole lot we can say about the Abbey, except that it is the best little bar in town. Hands down. Or maybe face down would be more accurate. But we didn’t want to tell you about it because it’s small — and we like it that way. Everybody knows everybody (especially if they don’t want to) and everybody seems to know some of our editors.

Quick tip if you go (and you should). When you find yourself dodging darts while stepping outside to call up a random ex while referring to the aforementioned establishment as “the Aboo,” it’s time to put some extra money in the meter, hand your car keys over to the bartender and have another. One more quick tip — there really isn’t anyone in the ladies room, the door just sticks. OK, last quick tip, we swear: The Abbey is a favorite haunt for local artists and writers so beware the drunken haiku. OK, last one for real: Say hi to us if and when you see us there, but when tomorrow rolls around, don’t expect us to remember what gallery you own. Location: 1115 16th St., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-538-8110.

Best Metrosexual

Michael Capponi

With his chiseled good looks and towering frame, this Godfather of South Beach nightlife is a package deal — good-looking and rich. The Capponi companies range from nightlife promotions and construction to development of luxury properties. The guy even has his own furniture line. Being so dapper and debonair must run in the bloodline, as his Web page boasts a picture of his father dancing cheek-to-cheek with Jayne Mansfield back in 1959. Whatever it is exactly that makes him so dashing is a mystery, but suffice it to say he’s scrumptious!

Best Tuesday Night Hangout for Locals

Mokaď

Ever since this place first opened its doors in September of 2006, it has been attracting a jet-set crowd that includes the likes of Justin Timberlake and Scarlett Johansson. It’s the Tuesday night Favela Chic party, however, that attracts the throngs of trendsetting locals from Joe Schmo to Mickey Rourke with the wicked musical antics of DJ Ross One. Born from the ashes of a failed partnership with the current owners of Mynt, the quartet of Nicola Siervo, Karim Masri, Rony Seikaly and Linley Edwards has brought to life an ultra-exclusive lounge just off the beaten path and only a stone’s throw away from another Tuesday night hot spot, the Delano Hotel. Location: 235 23rd St., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-531-4166.

Best Nightlife Trend

Parking Three Ferraris of the Same Color by the Entrance

It started innocently enough, with some rich prick with too much money deciding to double- park in front of the club. Then, as if by some miracle of science, the $100,000 car seemed to miraculously clone itself and there were two. It wasn’t long after that that everywhere you went you would see at least three of the fine Italian sports cars littering the sidewalk in front of your favorite nightspot. It’s gotten to the point now where clubs are seemingly branding the colors. Cameo, for example only sports yellow Ferraris, while Mansion, just down the street, allows only red ones to adorn its entrance.

Best Drink Bargains

Purdy Lounge

There’s only one place on the Beach to party like a rock star on a budget, and that’s none other than the Purdy Lounge. Locals, who know better, know that this is the place to kick it and not go into debt in the process. For about five bucks, patrons can sip on anything from imported beers to non-watered down cocktails and all under the roof of the chillest place to be on Saturday at 4:45 in the a.m. With two rooms filled with comfy couches to lay back and truly unwind, patrons should have no trouble finding a place to pass out after they stretch a buck into a bevy of alcoholic beverages. Location: 1811 Purdy Ave, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-531-4622.

Best Good-Time Guy

Chris Chrebet

His name is scribbled on bathroom walls from here to New Jersey. Every sexy tourist knows that for a good time they need only call upon the blond bombshell that is Chris Chrebet to make their dreams come true. If it’s your birthday, he’s got the champagne. If you don’t like the music, he’ll change it, and if you’re single, he’s available. All this he does as an effort to ensure you and your peeps have the best possible time when entering the intimate gathering of socialites and trendsetters that congregate week after week at Miami Beach’s Rooftop Lounge at the Townhouse Hotel, 150 20th St. Oh yes, for a good time, call Chris. Phone: 305-776-2606.

Best Local Bar

The Room

Unlike some of their contemporaries who rely on bright lights and flash to appeal to their customers, The Room is nothing more than a dark, smoky hole in the wall that attracts its clientele through a great selection of brewskis and New York style rock ’n’ roll. No matter the day or the time, this place is usually thick with savvy locals who all seem to know each other. A large blackboard displays what seems like an endless selection of brews and cramped quarters often lead to conversations with your neighbor. Always the best last place to go, this tiny bar caters to unpretentious in-crowd. Location: 100 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-531-6061.

Best Doorman

Hugo at Mansion

If you’ve ever been lucky enough to be on the NFU list (no fuck-up list, for you laymen out there), chances are you’ve bumped into Hugo. A towering bear of a man, this bald-headed gentle giant can spot a VIP from the largest of crowds. Diligently committing to memory exactly who you are, he is unlikely to forget any face he comes across. Even when he has to be mean to you, he does so in way that is endearing. And with a little nudge, you might even get him to change his mind about letting you in. Location: 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-532-1525.

Best Club Bathroom

Karu&Y

What does spending $25 million get you? One hell of a pisser, that’s what. The most expensive club in Miami would have been remiss had they neglected to spend some of that cheddar on the restrooms. Even though they forgot to put a 42-inch plasma behind every stall, the owners were smart enough to build multiple, spacious service spots large enough to cater to their monster crowds on the busiest of nights. Why are they the best? Well, let’s just say that even the women hardly ever have to wait to use the facilities at this colossal nightclub. Location: 71 14th St., Miami. Phone: 305-403-7850.

Best Club Bathroom for Doing Drugs

Buck 15

Even before you step into the one-person accessible bathroom, your bad habits are masked by a DJ booth and a dancing crowd. Though, it is true there may be a line of three or four wired little monkeys waiting to powder their noses as well, this makes hardly any difference as, once inside this service station, you can double-latch the door and hit the blow to your heart’s content. Take a couple of whacks, check the bag, take another whack, check your nose, whatever. You have plenty of time, and there’s no bathroom attendant or person next to you to judge. I said, Goddamn! Location: 707 Lincoln Lane, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-538-3815.

Best Nightlife Drama

Nicodemus vs. Crobar

This feud has been going on ever since Carmel Ophir refused to shake hands with the spooky and mystical Nicodemus back in 1999. It quickly escalated when Nicodemus allegedly sent out an e-mail claiming Crobar was closed down because of a rat infestation. Crobar was less than pleased and retaliated against the completely untrue, albeit humorous, charge by filing a lawsuit. This past year the case against Nicodemus was finally dropped. Thus, (hopefully) ending this feud that saw its battles fought everywhere from cyberspace to courtrooms, not to mention myriad alternate planes of existence.

Best Media Whore

Humberto Guida

Anyone who’s ever read this media slut’s work when he was a gritty street-savvy columnist for the Miami New Times was sure to finish with a happy ending and a smorgasbord selection of sex, drugs and nightlife. Then, pimping himself out, he landed a cushy gig working for the fashionistas over at Ocean Drive Magazine, where the money and the notoriety turned this streetwalker into a high-class ho. One of OD’s sick little fetishes is to call him a Contributing Editor, though we can’t imagine he proofreads much. Where would he find the time between his other high-profile tricks? There’s Vegas Magazine and LA Weekly. For a while there, he was the producer, writer and on-air talent

for the Spanglish-language cable offshoot of Telemundo, Mun2. We even heard he spent four hours outside of Jennifer Aniston’s house waiting to see if she came home with Vince Vaughn just to cash a check from US Weekly. The biggest depravity of all was when the rival pimps of LATV got their perverted little fingers on him and turned him out, marketing him as the face of the young Latino.

Curious? Check out his bio page at www.latv.com/vjbios.asp?p=17 and note where he lists that he’s currently reading John Leguizamo and that musical group Orishas is his favorite. There is no mention of Allen Ginsberg or Richie Hawtin. This ho needs to get bitch-slapped.

Best Frozen Drinks

Wet Willie’s

Even the tourists who can’t tell Ocean from Alton somehow never have any problem finding this oasis of icy alcoholic refreshment. With names like Call a Cab and Attitude Improvement, it’s no wonder people all over the world know that this is the place to go for a monster brain freeze followed by a not-so-cool hangover. Their drinks are so good they even inspire song. As anyone who has heard Ludacris’ “Pimpin’ All Over the World” knows, “If you wit me, ain’t no time to sleep, especially at Wet Willie’s on Miami Beach.” Location: 760 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach. Phone:

305-532-5650.

Best Party Title

Fuck Art, Let’s Dance

During Art Basel, a billion dollars’ worth of art exchanges hands, and the streets of our fair city get bombarded by pretentious fuddy-duddies and old money Euro-trash. While the true artists suffer on the streets, no other party title both sticks it to the man and lets us know it’s time to boogie than this one. Conceived by the masterminds behind Aquabooty and DHM, the party features a deep house groove that would make Van Gogh wish he had both ears. Though the music is pretty cool, it’s really the bold artistic statement that wins this prize.

Best Source of Soft Core Pornography

Beach Chairs at Nikki Beach on Sundays

It’s almost as if the entire crowd had taken some sort of magical pill that filled whoever ingested it with an abundance of love and sexiness. These levels of ecstasy eventually come to a boil and must be released in a public demonstration of orgasmic bliss. What better place than on the sandy shores behind Nikki Beach? Find a discreet corner, pull up a chair and join the rest of the love children in making your very own love child. If you don’t care to participate in the amorous undertakings, just watch. No one will notice as you play voyeur to the gritty machinations of love. Location: 1 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-538-1111.

Best Nightlife Fallacy

There’s No Sex in the Champagne Room

Anyone who has ever been to the back room at Goldrush knows that this tired old line is nothing more than bullshit. For about 200 bucks and whatever blow you can spare, you can have almost any of the exotic dancers do a little diddy on your pole with nothing in the way except maybe some rubber. Even that, though, may be negotiable. Like everything in life, it all depends on the number of Benjamins in your wallet. Location: 15 NE 11th St., Miami. Phone: 305-358-9848.

Best Hotel Party

Delano Hotel on Tuesday

This weekly party that changed venue from the Hotel Astor to its current court in the lobby of the Delano did so because the former couldn’t contain the crowd. TAI Entertainment, which promotes the party, habitually attracts a mob of trendsetting socialites and more celebrities than you can shake a stick at. By 10:30 p.m. a crowd is usually huddled by a velvet rope and someone, if not everyone, is swearing to a doorman that he or she was invited personally by Tommy Pooch. Oh yes, if it’s Tuesday, it’s Delano. Location: 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-672-2000.

Best Locals Hangout

Amendment XXI

Want a side dish of Miami with that martini? Then head on over to Amendment XXI. While other joints put extreme effort into being cool, the phenomenon comes naturally at Amendment XXI as folks of all backgrounds and status converge to listen to a lineup of talented DJs, musicians and singers. It could be because of the name, or its location (on the outskirts of the Design District near Little Haiti), or the look of the place (on the outside it appears to be a duplex house), or the fact that no cover charge is demanded at the door. Leave it to someone else to solve the mystery. We just want to sit on the comfy, plush furniture, listen to some tunes and wait patiently for our turn at the pool table. Location: 190 NE 46th St., Miami. Phone: 305-571-7200.

Best New Locals Hangout

The Love Hate Lounge

Owned and sometimes operated by Ami James and Chris Nuńez of Miami Ink fame, this lounge occupies the former Sofi Lounge spot. The pair has remodeled the place to give it that biker bar look with a little splash of South Beach pizzazz. Make no mistake, though, this place is pure rock ’n’ roll, and it attracts some of the grungiest people on the Beach. On any given night, the place is jam-packed with locals either too tired or too bored to contend with anything more complicated than beer and thrashing guitar riffs. Location: 423 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-695-8616.

Best Nightlife Lie

The Fire Marshal Says

We Can’t Let Anyone in Right Now

How many times have you fought your way past the throngs of party people and right up to the velvet rope only to have some meathead door monkey spout forth these infuriating words? Not even has the last word left his snarling mouth when his huge arm comes across your torso and he says, ”Step back, please,” as he pushes you aside and lets some nubile young sex vixen come twirling past you and directly into said hotspot. The jig is up, bouncers of the world. We know you’re feeding us nothing but a bunch of hooey, and we’re not going to take it anymore. Well, maybe just another five minutes.

Best Nightlife Blog

Miaminights.com

Between the salacious photos of Miami’s hippest party people, reports on nightlife catfights and well-placed jabs at city policy and spending, Miaminights.com has quickly risen to be the cream of the crop in Miami’s blogosphere. Corporate sponsorships and fast friendships with the city’s scenesters only cement that status. Its staff of self-made indie celebs can be seen downing bottles all over town with a snappy happy photographer in tow, much to the delight of those dressed for Web paparazzi. Keeping your ear to the street or monitoring what kids these days are really doing and wearing has never been so easy.

Best Place to Enjoy Your Aguardiente

Q Lounge

So maybe Q Lounge in Aventura doesn’t have the largest selection of this “Colombian remedy for all illnesses,” but it does have the best ambiance in which to enjoy your Antioqueńo or Nectar Azul. About once a month, Q hosts Vallenato nights. Vallenato is one of Colombia’s typical folk music originating from the country’s Caribbean region. A local band spends the night playing well-known songs by Carlos Vives and other Vallenato artists. Other events include fashion shows, karaoke nights and Reggae nights; all of which are good excuses to relax and drink this traditional nectar. Location: 3575 NE 207th St., Aventura. Phone: 305-931-9957.

Best Way to Pass the Velvet Ropes If You’re Unknown

Tell Them It’s a Bachelorette Party

Ladies, getting married anytime soon? Even if you’re not, gather a bunch of friends and get one to don a wedding veil. Whether it’s adorned with party favors or not is up to the “bride-to-be.” As soon as bar and club bouncers see a klatch of women celebrating an up-and-coming wedding, they open their doors wide. Most likely, the only question they’ll ask is to see ID, but no cover charge! The same goes at the bar. Once you’re in for free, you might get lucky and score some complimentary drinks too, if the bartender is cool enough.

Best Sobering Experience

International House of Pancakes

When you’re intoxicated, any activity feels, looks and is fun. Table-top dancing, smoking a joint, singing along to one of Sonny and Cher’s famous duets, or swallowing a murky egg and hot tomato juice might be your typical nightcap. But you have not had the ultimate nightcap until you’re sitting down in front of a mountainous plate of fluffy and moist pancakes at International House of Pancakes with a group of your best buddies. If you are a heavy drinker, you know before that designated driver takes you home and lets the countless number of tequila shots and those double-digit cocktails run through your body like water over a landscape, you need a few alcohol-absorbing pancakes in your stomach to start relieving the next day’s hangover.

Whether you like your pancakes plain, healthy or rich in taste and decorative toppings, IHOP has your style. From the Original Buttermilk to the Harvest Grain ‘N Nut pancake, they all provide that euphoric relief you need to take you out of the fog and bring you back to earth the next day without breaking your pockets. Besides the pancakes, the employees working during the graveyard shift at IHOP are down to earth. They’ll even join in the humor and laugh with you as you watch one of your inebriated friends try to use your perspiration towel as a jacket – “What are you doing man?” you say to him as he tries to insert his arms into imaginary sleeves. “Can’t you see I’m putting my jacket on,” he replies. As long as you and your friends are just dressing and not undressing, the staff will keep the pancakes coming and by the time the night is over, your friend will realize he’s wearing a towel and not a jacket. Locations: Various. Web site: www.ihop.com

Best Neighborhood Bar

Billy’s Pub Too,

North Miami

The sequel to the bar of ill repute on Biscayne Boulevard, Billy’s Too is a favorite of the of-age Barry University kids, war veterans, those guys who show up with their own pool cues and anyone else who’s willing to spend up to, but not more than, a dollar for a beer.

The regulars have their own theme music that seems to play on an endless loop every time they are there, specifically “I Love This Bar,” the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “By the Way” and anything by Bob Marley.

The pool sticks are crooked, the parking lot is shared with a police station, the clock that signals the end of happy hour is 15 minutes fast and your significant other will be able to tell where you were by a distinctive and inescapable smell.

But it works out all right in the end, because the tables are all crooked too, domestic drafts are only $1.50 at regular price and the cop shop next door means you’ll probably be sleeping it off elsewhere, anyway. What more could you want from a local bar? Location: 732 NE 125th St., North Miami. Phone: 305-899-9986.

Best Pool Hall

KnightTime Billiards, Seminole Paradise

Pool ranks among the best of social games, along with air hockey, ping-pong and that game where you try to bounce quarters into beer. Knight Time Billiards celebrates the social side of the game. Half pool hall and half nightclub, Knight Time has two bars, two VIP rooms, a café, a foosball table and 13 professional pocket billiard tables that are always packed with Seminole Paradise club hoppers. You can even rent the place out for a private party. For $5,000, you get four bartenders, three servers, one hostess, two security guards and two bar backs to take care of your guests for the night. Of course, this is not the traditional smoky pool hall that Paul Newman and Tom Cruise would walk into to try to hustle some suckers. Instead, it’s a nightclub with a built-in ice-breaker, a place to meet guys or girls with the old “let me show you how to hold the cue” routine. Location: 1 Seminole Way, Hollywood. Phone:

1-866-502-7529.

Best Hotel Bar

The Biltmore Hotel’s Poolside Bar

Miami, with its constant traffic and hurricanes, can be a stressful place to live. Fortunately, we have oases like the Biltmore’s poolside bar to make being a Miamian worthwhile. Look for Sam, the Biltmore’s best bartender, and ask him to pour you one of his famous raspberry mojitos ($13), made with generous amounts of fresh mint and raspberry. Unlike the average bar, in which the entertainment leans toward a taped-together television tuned to SportsCenter, the poolside bar at the Biltmore opens to the massive, statue-lined pool, across from which a live reggae band performs on weekends, playing classics like Bob Marley’s “Redemption Song,” while girls in bikinis bake in the sun and old men laugh, argue and smoke cigars. That’s what Miami’s about! Location: 1200 Anastasia Ave., Coral Gables. Phone: 305-445-8066, ext. 2734.

Best Club

The Shore Club

Sometimes a girl wants to feel like a princess, know what I mean? But nights on the town can be harsh endeavors, especially on Miami Beach, with all the velvet rope lines and ’roid-raging bouncer nonsense. The Shore Club, while still a chic club, manages to avoid all this, taking a more romantic, laid-back approach to Miami Beach nightlife. The Shore Club, located in the back of the boutique hotel by the same name, is brilliantly divided into four separate areas. Attached to the hotel is The Red Room, a small, raucous indoor bar where, due to blood red paint and lighting, everything turns a sultry red. The open doors of the Red Room lead outside to Skybar, a quiet, tiled patio adorned with lanterns, flowers and couches shaded by small trees. It’s quieter than the Red Room, but still in the middle of the action. In the back of the Shore Club, people start to spread out along the Olympic-size pool on the tufted 12-foot beds, where the DJ plays classic hip-hop and lounge records. In the very back, tucked away, is the coziest part of the Shore Club, a quiet patio with a lap pool and a few tables and chairs. There are usually only a handful of people in this part of the club. It’s a place you go when you want to be alone with someone, after you’ve made your way through the other three parts of the Shore Club, as the areas become quieter and more intimate. Take the 360-degree tour at the Shore Club’s Web site, www.shoreclub.com. Location: 1901 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-695-3100.

Best Irish Pub

Go to Broward

If Irishmen could manage to escape starvation and religious persecution, gather up their families and worldly possessions and travel across the Atlantic Ocean to become just part of the 3.5 million Irish that emigrated to the United States between 1820 and 1880, then you can make the 20-minute trek across the county line to enjoy their pubs.

In fact, by 1840, the Irish constituted nearly half of all immigrants entering the United States. And now to celebrate that crucial contribution to American heritage, we wear silly green hats and drink way too much at any bar on St. Patrick’s Day.

Don’t get us wrong, there are some very fine Irish pubs in Miami-Dade. If you don’t have the means to travel far or the desire for a perfect Guinness pour, check out the Playwright on South Beach, or JohnMartin’s in the Gables.

But if you want the real deal in South Florida, you have two choices. The Field Irish Pub on Griffin Road is the best bet for authentic Irish cuisine and atmosphere and a Rod Stewart impersonator (even though the real Rod Stewart was actually born and raised in London and is of Scottish descent), and a drink menu that will rev-up your shillelagh. Location: 3281 Griffin Road, Fort Lauderdale. Phone: 954-964-5979.

Maguire’s Hill 16, located just north of Broward Boulevard, is another real deal. By far the best Guinness pour in the tri-county area, Maguire’s hosts a yearly St. Patty’s day festival so wild that they have to shut down the street, fence off the parking lot, build a tent and charge admission. Here the food is spectacular, and you might even be lucky enough to catch a free happy hour mini-buffet. Better yet, it’s the best place to sit down and have a pint with the local regulars. Just be mindful when talking politics, the Irish take ‘em seriously. Read some Thomas Cahill before you go, Netflix Michael Collins or at least have a bowl of Lucky Charms. Location: 535 N. Andrews Ave., Fort Lauderdale. Phone: 954-764-4453.

Best Goth Hangout

The Only Goth Hangout

The Kitchen is back, kids (18 and older, that is). What else would you expect from a Goth club other than dying and rising from the grave? Now in its ninth change of locations since the whole black mess began in 1988, the club has reopened again at one of its old haunts: the SoHo Lounge in the Design District.

Maybe now some of the pressure is off: promoters snagged their own entrance, a second room (’80s Mod Room) and are sweetening the deal with a two-for-one drink special ‘til 12:30 a.m. Since any other Goth alternatives exist only in Broward, all that could be pretty sweet.

Granted, the last time the Kitchen was open at this venue, it proved tough to coexist with an often-oppositional musical crowd, especially in the same building, when the clubs shared an entrance and patrons moved freely between rooms. But if you can handle the mod interior of SoHo, wandering around the Design District in a latex cat suit without getting propositioned and heckled by the locals who aren’t actually trying to get you into the back of their car — and by back we mean trunk — then it is an OK joint.

Then, it was a pretty wild juxtaposition of cultures commingling with common interests: bad dancing, getting drunk and trying to get laid. Shocking, sometimes, where you find the symbols of the human condition. The Kitchen’s doors open at 11 p.m. Saturdays. And keep an eye out for promoter Joseph Bonilla’s fetish and goth events in and around MiamiLand: myspace.com/lisaphersjoseph Location: SoHo Lounge, 175 NE 36th St.,

Miami. Phone: 305-576-1988. Web site: www.myspace.com/thekitchenclub

Best Tuesday Night Hangout

Fox’s Lounge for “Shuffle Tuesdays”

At the hands of smooth-as-silk manager Joey V. and super-cool promoter Moshe Franco, the usually quiet Fox’s Lounge turns into the absolute best place to be in Miami on a Tuesday night. Dubbed “Shuffle Tuesdays,” the weeknight at Fox’s offers free parking, no cover and two-for-oneskies on wine, gin, vodka, rum and all domestic beers, all night long. The atmosphere is laid back and cool. V. and Franco have great taste in music and attract a chilled-out crowd of in-the-know locals. The buzz for Shuffle Tuesdays, which is quite big, spread entirely by word of mouth, until now...woops. Just don’t tell them we told you. Location: 6030 S Dixie Highway, Miami.

Phone: 305-666-2230.

Best Thursday Night Hangout

Fat Tuesday’s

Tired of paying for overpriced alcohol while listening to depressing music? Fat Tuesday’s on Thursday nights includes $1 Bud Light, Budweiser Select and Miller Lite, and $2 Coronas and Heinekens, making it a favorite spot among many college students looking to forget about their dreaded classes and ring in the weekend on a drunken high. Along with dollar shots, the lively music, which consists of hip-hop, reggaeton and a little bit of reggae, makes it the place to be. At least until 2 a.m. After that you’re on your own, but you’re more than welcome to venture out to the other bars or clubs located throughout the same area. Location: 3015 Grand Ave., Suite 260, Coconut Grove. Phone: 305-441-2992.

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