Sorry, Loser, I Don’t Know You!

By Kris Conesa

Hate to break it to whoever won the award for Best Party of the Year last week, but you have been officially forgotten. We don’t know you. We don’t remember you, nor do we even care how it was that you made your way to the front of the velvet rope at the door of our hearts. It doesn’t even matter. You, whoever you are, are yesterday’s news. The reason behind this sudden amendment to an otherwise flawless manifesto of all that is cool in the world is simple: This is South Beach, baby, and we’re fickle. Places, faces and evidently, awards come and go. Amika becomes Dream, Rumi morphs into O Asian Grill and of course, State is Set and Set is State, so if you have a date at State she’ll be waiting for you at Set. Confused? Simply put, I’ll be damned if I’m going to wait another whole year to let my readers know Emi Guerra and his team of nightlife impresarios put together the quintessential Miami bash this last Fourth of July.

The Surfcomber Hotel played host to a sexy pool party that not even a torrential downpour or 95-degree temperatures could contain. Roger Sanchez, Chus and Ceballos, Oscar G and Cedric Gervais had all the sexy bodies shaking. The place was packed from 11 a.m to 11 p.m., and at one point people were lining up to pay $100 just to crash the party that was better than anything even WMC brought us this year. The after-party continued till 5 a.m. at Cameo, where throngs of women, still in their thongs, shook their assets to a fire-hazard-size crowd of human sardines. Admittedly, not the timeliest of shout-outs, but definitely a well-deserved one.

Sundays Are Some Day!

Loudmouth Cuban that I am, I often find myself in the cumbersome position of having to eat my own words. This is the case with the level of mediocrity I ascribed to at Sundance, the Sunday party at Set. The party, which had a long run at Amika and recently found a new home at Set, was bangin’ this last week. Local celebrity Biz Martinez has really got it going on and definitely worked out some of the kinks. The fun showed no sign of slowing down well toward 3 a.m., but as is so often the case, some woman with fake breasts had to ruin it for me. Then, of course, the next logical step was to swear off women forever. This actually worked out really well, seeing as I was taken hostage by the gay mafia and that dapper don, Dustin Reffca, as I made my way back home. Reffca was being his fabulous self as his two-foot-high Mohawk guided The 411 through a gender-bending smorgasbord of drag queens and fashion whores that is the weekly Sunday party Click at Dek23. Celebrating its first hugely successful month, Click pulled out all the stops with performances by one of the godfathers of groove, WMC mastermind DJ Bill Kelly. Chicks with dicks were bountiful, and there were appearances by Adora, Chyna Girl and the irrepressible Elaine Lancaster. If you just can’t get enough of these boy toys, be ready to indulge this Sunday when they get even sexier with something called the Trunk Show, a Neiman Marcus-sponsored event that will be part of the Miami Swim Fashion Week.

Most Ridiculous Rumor of the Week

This information operator would like to thank you for using this rumor control hotline. Please press 1 to once and for all dissipate the swelling tide of falsities that surround the financially struggling nightspot Nocturnal. There was a reported buzz on the street (not to mention the information superhighway) claiming that the fiscally beleaguered mega-club was being or had been sold to none other than Miami Heat’s Dwyane Wade, who was going to turn it into a sports bar. Upon further pontification of this subject matter, a serious debate and postings on the topic of whether or not such an enterprise could survive downtown began to appear. There were pros. There were cons. Unfortunately for those people wasting their time caring about such things, sources close to Wade say this is “absolutely not true.” We thank you again for using this service. Call again soon.

Spotted

*Freakin’ Sting having dinner at Pearl with his wife Trudie Styler on Sunday night! Who says he’s pretentious? Sources say he hit the Delano after Tuesday night’s concert.

*Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri chillin’ at Karu and Y last Thursday night.

*The Beach Boys with John Stamos jamming at the Raleigh Tuesday night.

*Mark Wahlberg, who produces Entourage, at the Shore Club’s Redroom with old friend Eric Weinstein a couple of weeks ago. According to sources, Weinstein was heard telling someone, “I’m the original E.”

*Unrelated: Lebron James sitting a few tables away from Marky Mark the same night.

*Also in Entourage news: Jeremy Piven is reportedly scouting a new crib at the Mondrian South Beach. It’s not very Jedi of me, but I’m hoping Piven does indeed decide to make the 305 his home as this will give The 411 a chance at sweet revenge. The 411 never forgets, Piven (think Playboy Party Super Bowl weekend), and your real-life persona is a bigger douche bag than Ari Gold!

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