Make Me the President

August 28, 08

Episode 34: A Confusing Choice

By Lee Molloy

For our reality series Make Me The President, we scoured the country to find the most power-hungry, Machiavellian and downright unattractive people in the United States of America (“The Greatest Nation On Earth” ™) to find the man, or woman, who could raise the most money, be willing to break the most promises and offer the most bland reason to become — The President.

This week on MMTP:

Fans who were waiting with bated breath for the text message from Sen. Barack Obama announcing his running mate must have been pretty disappointed to discover that those of us who get texts from CNN (via twitter.com) had the information an hour sooner. This showed, once again, that hardcore Obama fans are somewhat behind the curve.

So, to prove he is on the cutting edge of politics and truly believes Washington is broken, he picks a dude who has been part of that same system for 35 years, Sen. Joe “Attack Dog” Biden. Down, boy.

For almost any other Team Democrats champ, Biden would be an interesting choice for veep. However, for Obama, going against his own mantra of change and picking such an established politician may turn out to be a major error in judgment. Let’s take a look at what Biden offers to, and takes away from, the Obama campaign.  

When Biden first took office on Jan. 3, 1973, he was a bright light shining on Team Democrats’ future. Barely legal (for the Senate), he was only six weeks past his 30th birthday when he became the sixth-youngest senator in U.S. history. And in 1974, he was named one of Time magazine’s “200 Faces for the Future.”

Since then, Biden has been an important player in Congress: once chairing the Senate Judiciary Committee, and currently chairing the Foreign Relations Committee. It is, of course, the latter that has given him the experience and gravitas necessary to plug that gaping hole in Obama’s already leaky résumé. However, this is not all good news for Obama. By bringing Biden aboard, Obama has shone a spotlight on his own lack of experience at a time when the Russian bear is growling again and Iraq is still a major factor in U.S. foreign policy. McCain already has the reputation, even if it is relatively unfounded, of being an expert in foreign policy; if he also picks someone with impressive foreign policy credentials as a running mate, Obama will look like the least qualified guy in the race. And, it is one thing to seem fresh, but quite another to appear green. Perhaps, as Sen. John Kerry supposedly did in MMTP ’04, Obama would have been better off considering Biden for secretary of state. Oh well, too late.

According to the Associated Press, Biden’s net worth is less than $370,000, making him one of the poorest senators in office and helping him at least to seem more like regular folk than his oft-called elitist boss. Obama has had an incredibly hard time reaching out to white, working-class Americans, and the McCain campaign has been playing that up by promoting Obama’s celebrity status. Perhaps Biden’s populist touch will help to bridge that gap, although he is still relatively unknown outside his home state of Delaware and his birth state of Pennsylvania. Both states have gone Team Democrats in the previous four MMTP seasons anyway, so it is hard to imagine Biden having that much of an impact.  

At least Biden is a campaign badass with a tough demeanor and an acerbic wit. At the Oct. 30, 2007, debate in Philadelphia, he said of then-Team Republicans front-runner Mayor Rudy “Politics’ War Profiteer” Giuliani, “There’s only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11.” Nice one, Joe.

However, his mouth is going to get him (and his new boss) in a lot of trouble, and we can expect attack ads featuring at least one of the following Biden gaffes. On Jan. 31, he said: “You got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy; I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” Many an old-school, black political type is still pissed about that one. Then there was this gem from July 2006: “In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking.” He later said he “meant it as a compliment.” The mind boggles.

Biden also has the reputation of being somewhat economical with the truth. During his first run as an MMTP contestant in the ’87 season, C-SPAN recorded him telling a New Hampshire resident who questioned his law school record that he had graduated in the “top half” of his class. He then angrily vented: “I think I have a much higher IQ than you do.” Well, even if he did have a higher IQ, Biden graduated 76th out of a class of 85 from the Syracuse College of Law, which means either that he was lying about being in the top half, or he is really, really bad at math. No wonder he’s such good friends with Sen. John McCain.

Furthermore, it appears that not everything Biden says is in his own words. It was widely reported that, in law school, he plagiarized large chunks from a law review article. Additionally, part of his stump speech during MMTP ’88 was heavily plagiarized from a speech by the then-leader of the British Labour Party, Neil Kinnock.

Obama has said “words matter,” so isn’t it somewhat surprising that he would choose a running mate who passes off other people’s words as his own?

The strangest thing about Obama picking Biden has to be the latter’s relationship with John McCain. During the last season of MMTP, Biden was a highly vocal advocate for Team Democrats Champ John Kerry to pick McCain as his running mate. Among other glowing endorsements, Biden said on Meet the Press, “I think John McCain would be a great candidate for vice president.” Even better, Biden has described McCain as his “personal hero.”

So, coming soon to a television screen near you: McCain campaign ads with an endorsement from Joe Biden.

Tune in next week to see who gets to call Air Force Two his own if John McCain is flying Air Force One.

Hail to the Chief!