Make Me the President

September 4, 08

Episode 35: America’s First VILF?

By Lee Molloy

For our reality series Make Me The President, we scoured the country to find the most power-hungry, Machiavellian and downright unattractive people in the United States of America (“The Greatest Nation On Earth” ™) to find the man, or woman, who could raise the most money, be willing to break the most promises and offer the most bland reason to become — The President.

This week on MMTP:

Team Democrats had a great time in Denver and Sen. Barack “I Made History” Obama officially accepted the nomination of his teammates. The four days were perfectly scripted with a great opening night speech by Sen. Edward Kennedy, who passed on the Kennedy baton to Obama in what will probably be his last convention speech. Michelle Obama did a terrific job of putting a more human face on her husband and then brought out the secret weapons: Malia and Sasha. Although much has been made of Obama’s lack of ability to “connect” with regular folks, his relationship with his wife and kids certainly shows a man capable of giving — and receiving — much love and affection.

Sen. Hillary “It Shoulda Been Me” Clinton gave a wonderful address in which she graciously gave Obama his props and reminded everyone in the house through her eloquence and conviction that they may have picked the wrong champion. Sen. Joe Biden gave a strong and moving performance. But former President Bill Clinton gave the best speech of the convention, saying at one point, “People the world over have always been more impressed by the power of our example than by the example of our power.” It was classic Clinton who reminded the world (after eight years of shit-for-brains) what a real American president sounds like. Obama, coming across as very presidential and powerful, gave what may be the least impressive speech we have heard from him so far. Without the oratorical flourishes and catchphrases we’re used to, he just sounded kind of, well, ordinary. If anyone else in the world had delivered that speech it would have seemed incredible, but Obama has set the bar so high that it was almost disappointing coming from him.

However, Sen. John McCain delivered the best one-two punch of the season. First, he unleashed a totally positive TV ad that ran before and after Obama’s speech. “Too often the achievements of our opponents go unnoticed. So I wanted to stop and say congratulations,” said McCain in his ad with what seemed genuine goodwill. “Tomorrow, we’ll be back at it. But tonight, Senator — job well done.” Then, the very next morning, he revealed that his pick for veep is virtually unknown Gov. Sarah Palin from Alaska. Wow.

Of course, the immediate knee-jerk reaction of the intellectually lazy left was to say that this choice was insulting and that the only thing Palin brings to the ticket is breasts. It is true, though, that Palin looks exactly like a character from a porno. Who doesn’t just see her, at any moment, whipping off the matronly glasses, shaking down that updo of hair, ripping off a Velcro businesswoman costume and wrestling Cindy McCain in a vat of Alaskan oil? Boom chika wah wah. Except, instead of dollars, the Team Republicans stuff anti-abortion bills in her garter.

Yes, McCain picked Palin, in part because she is a woman, although the same logic can be applied to Obama’s own veep choice. Obama picked a white guy because he would never get elected if he had another person of color on the ticket, and he couldn’t pick a woman because it wasn’t going to be Hillary, and any other female choice would have enraged her supporters into a fit of girl-jealousy. So, he had to go for someone white and male. Just because white men are the majority in politics doesn’t mean that the choice was necessarily any less cynical. And, in exactly the same way that all white men are not alike, neither are all women. Therefore, the suggestion that McCain only picked Palin because she is a woman is insulting.

So, let’s try to figure out what McCain was thinking by looking at the evidence.

It has been widely reported over the years that McCain likes to play craps at the casino for thousands of dollars a throw. He is a natural risk-taker — the man flew fighter jets, for heaven’s sake. So, rolling the dice by choosing Palin is an old-school maverick McCain move. If he had played it safe, the game would be over and Obama’s coronation would have gone ahead without a hitch. But, by going for the crazy unpredictable pick, he completely changed the entire field of play. And, if Palin proves up to the task on the campaign trail and during her debate with Biden, choosing her may turn out to be as brilliant as it is bold. Both presidential nominees claim Washington is broken, and both claim to want “change.” But it was McCain who actually chose change in his first major decision as his team’s champ, not Obama who, with Biden, went business-as-usual.

So, other than her being hot, what attracted McCain to Palin? It’s the issues, stupid!

McCain has a perfect record with the anti-abortion crowd, but has somehow managed to lose traction with the evangelicals. So, what better way to mobilize those guys than by picking a running mate who is so anti-abortion that she knowingly gave birth to a child who had been diagnosed with Down syndrome. Furthermore, Palin supports teaching abstinence as the only means of birth control for teenagers. This is pretty funny because her own teenage daughter, Bristol, must have missed that day at school as she is currently knocked up. Granted, Bristol says she will have the baby, and that it is her intention to marry the father.

Palin is a strict conservative on other issues important to the Team Republicans base. She is against gay marriage, believes creationism should be taught in schools and loves her guns. Ultimately, she is kinda like Gov. Mike Huckabee in drag.

Being from Alaska, Palin has become quite the expert on energy — a hot topic this season — because of dealing with the Alaska gas pipeline and tackling the issue of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. However, she may be a bit biased since her husband works for the oil company BP.

The real boon for McCain is that Palin has a reputation as a maverick and a reformer in Alaskan politics. She took on the state’s Team Republicans establishment and won, and she enjoys an incredibly high approval rating among Alaskans. In the end, McCain and Palin could be the oddest of odd couples, but not one that will be easy to beat.

Tune in next week to see if we’re any closer to getting a stripper pole installed on Air Force One.

Hail to the Chief!