Just what was Rachael Ray up to at Gloria Estefan’s birthday party? File photo

Congratulations. If you’re reading this, it means you’ve survived yet another long weekend without suffering too much collateral damage to your liver. It also means you should be applauded for the amazing self-restraint that kept you from goin’ gangsta on all those bastards in da club. I’m speaking, of course, of your fellow sardines that jostled, groped or otherwise violated your personal space with their 2007 renditions of the cabbage patch. If you were smart enough to avoid the madness, then you probably left town and should be considered infinitely smarter than I am. Alas, my reckless shortsightedness is your gain and, as such, here is a recap of all the cool stuff you missed while you were road-tripping or waiting to get into Nikki Beach. Please bear with me if I just start making shit up. My liver tends to act up after too much drinking in the sun and, admittedly, I am still a little delirious.

A Glorious 50th

My delirium might explain why the Ice Palace looked like a psychedelic wonderland on Saturday night. I mean, it could have been the brown acid, but I’m pretty sure there was a guy or a girl or something dressed like a fat Elvis, except he had green hair and was being kissed by Emilio Estefan, who was dressed like it was 1974. Did I mention he had an Afro? Wait, hold on …. No, no, I remember now. That actually did happen. The occasion was Gloria Estefan's 50th birthday and fat Elvis was none other than Perez Hilton, who later participated in a naked conga line with celebrity foodie Rachael Ray that blinded three people and one Latin talk show host. Ahhh, just a sec …. Yeah, I think I made that last part up. Cristina was there, but I really can’t remember if there was a conga line. I can say with absolute certainty that DJ Tracy Young spun the disco for the ‘70s-themed party and the whole Estefan clan dressed the part, though the wardrobe selection notably lacked authenticity. Oh, and one more thing before we move on. The people screaming at me in my head also would like for you to imagine who would win in a queer-off between Perez Hilton and Elaine Lancaster. Please get back to them ASAP.

Kramer vs. Another One

How many times has the following scenario happened to you? You meet someone online who is half your age. You invite her to spend a few days in the guest room of your Star Island mansion. Then, even though you claim no money was involved, the person hits you up for $10,000. When you acquiesce and give her a measly $1,000, she gets pissed off and tears up your house to the tune of $50,000. It doesn’t happen to me very often, but this type of thing seems to follow developer Thomas Kramer around. This time, it’s a 26-year-old woman named Shakia Dasamon Mitchell. She was arrested and remains in jail for jumping the fence, destroying property and assaulting a caretaker. As Miami Herald columnist Joan Fleishman so astutely pointed out in her column: “At thomaskramer.com, you can take a video tour of the estate — or buy $30 T-shirts. ‘Wasn't me … It was YOU,’ one says. Another: ‘Sex is Valium for the soul.’”

The B-list

R&B popster Ne-Yo, much like me, spent his weekend trying to find someplace where he could have a drink without some (insert expletive here — I’m partial to douche bag, but, hey, have fun with it, dill-weed, tool or Kris Conesa will work just as well) spilling a drink all over him. The crooner spent his time shuffling around town and got his groove on at Nikki Beach, where DJ Chris Falero had him getting his sexy on for quite some time. Still, the crowd was too much for him and he split. He also went to The Forge and Glass.

Click It

Thousands of people jumped the bridge to get to the beach this weekend, but an equal number of crack heads and drag queens jumped it to get to even crazier madness. Click, the gender-bending Sunday party that’s been blowing up Dek23, indulged in a sinful marathon that went well into noon on Monday. The party started as usual at Dek, with notables like Winter Music Conference director Bill Kelly, door personality Alan T and DJ Connie Casserole in attendance. Around six in the morning, the party moved on to downtown’s Discotekka, where DJ Kidd Madonny and Chyna Girl performed. This would be a great place to mention a certain someone who got caught in a compromising situation at the gay club Boulevard, but that would be wrong, right Alan T?

Spotted:

That pudgy, ill-tempered taxi dispatcher Louie, aka Danny DeVito, was in town and at the restaurant that shares his name. He was pushing a new après-dinner liqueur called Limoncello.

Talib Kweli threw it down on Monday at Cameo, where the rapper performed for a packed-to-the-walls audience. Sex kitten Roselyn Sanchez also made an appearance at Cameo on Saturday.

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