According to witness accounts, Britney Spears performs badly onstage and at the table.

Maybe all those Anne Rice books I read in high school instilled in me some insane fear of sunlight, but whatever the reason, I just love the nightlife. That said, I am wholly unsatisfied that all of the juicy celebrity action took place somewhere else last week (though it did give me time to work on my wicked tan). Here’s a recap of everything that should have taken place in Miami, but didn’t.

Holy Crap

Nebraska state Sen. Ernie Chambers filed an unprecedented terrorism-related lawsuit against the biggest celebrity in the universe. Yep, that’s right, Sen. Chambers is accusing the celestial superstar — who, according to the senator, uses all sorts of aliases — “of making and continuing to make terrorist threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff, who Plaintiff has the duty to represent.” Don’t worry, it’s not as serious as it sounds. See, Sen. Chambers filed the suit against God to make a point about all of the frivolous lawsuits filed in U.S. courts. Instead of wasting his time on that, perhaps he should be creating a federal law that says “Owen Wilson cannot attempt to kill himself again until Britney Spears gets a successful go at it.”

Oops, She Did It Again

The way Spears’ life and career are going, Wilson might not have to wait that long. Of course, that will depend on how Spears handles the events of this last week, but it’s not looking good. After the pop tart’s train-wreck Video Music Awards performance, photographs of the singer’s vagina monologuing for the cameras flooded the Internet. As if that weren’t enough, Brit had a flashback last weekend of her old trailer park diner days and, subsequently, was banned from Chateau Marmont Hotel in West Hollywood for her disgusting table manners. Big Fat Brit made a spectacle of herself by smearing a plate of food all over her face and grossing out the high-class diners nearby. Managers of the uber-luxury hotel, which often caters to royalty, banned Jabba the Spears from ever coming back. Just think, Flavor Flav can book a room with his current flava’ of love and Britney Spears can’t get past the front doors. Maybe it’s time to buy an RV.

Hit ’Em, Baby

Anyway, that’s the least of the reasons to Baker Act the toxic star. Apparently, Bizarro Brit’s divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, and her manager of only a month, Jeff Kwatinetz, dumped her on Monday. To make things worse, the day ended with Fox News reporting that the court was going to grant custody of her two kids to the more responsible parent, K-Fed. He, in turn, will need to extort Spears for more money to cover the added expenses of raising children and finding them bulletproof vests so they can avoid any stray bullets fired by the hit man mommy hires to kill daddy. That is, if you believe the Entertainment Tonight reports alleging that the FBI and the LAPD were investigating a contract hit on Kevin Federline’s life. TMZ said the FBI claims were bogus, but added that it did find a closed LAPD investigation into an alleged death threat that, ultimately, was dropped because of insufficient evidence.

Then, of course, there’s Fat Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard rumored to be a secret witness in the Spears/K-Fed custody case, though he never actually testified. Instead, he made a statement declaring that Spears engaged in “nudity, drug use and safety issues post-rehab.” That, no doubt, helped K-Fed get temporary custody of the little ones.

The Juice Ain’t Loose

It still hasn’t been decided if Spears is as stupid as O.J. Simpson, but the police won’t have to search far for a suspect if K-Fed gets whacked. Speaking of the Juice, the audacity of this lunatic is completely beyond me. I don’t want to unfairly convict the man before he has his day in court, but I can’t believe he went Pulp Fiction on a room full of people and didn’t even have the common courtesy do so in our back yard. No, he went nuts in a Vegas hotel room while trying to get back his memorabilia. I thought there was an unwritten rule that if Miami took O.J. and his bad rep, we would be the ones to send him to the clink. If he gets off, maybe we’ll still have that chance.

Pack the Bowl and the Car Seat

In real life, Mary-Louise Parker adopted a little girl from Africa. On the hit Showtime series Weeds, her drug-peddling MILF persona adopted a character played by none other than Mary-Kate Olsen. Sans Ashley, Olsen plays a teenage stoner who believes God wants her to sell weed and drive a BMW. It’s Manifest Destiny, and yet another reason to sue God.

Spotted:

Terrell Owens posing for an upcoming spread in Ocean Drive magazine at the Mandarin Hotel on Sunday afternoon. Enrique Iglesias, without Anna, drowning his sorrows in alcohol on the balcony at Pearl on Sunday night.

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