Lindsay Lohan can find love even in a rehab clinic bathroom stall, according to a heartbroken heiress. File photo

Miami’s Perez Hilton, the self-professed Queen of All Media, got into a bitch brawl when he took on “an angry lesbian” who, he said, was “assaulting” him and celebrity pal Tori Spelling. The whole thing took place on the opening night of the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Film Festival in front of all the cameras. In the interest of full disclosure, I must mention that I went to school with Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, at an all-boys Catholic high school. Nothing happened, I swear, though I do remember quite clearly the one-man show he once put on for a talent contest. He was dressed like a giant white rabbit doing something profane with a carrot. According to Hilton, he “offended all the right people with that performance.” Anyway, Perez described the pudgy, middle-aged woman who pushed him off the stage twice as a “fucking dyke.” The entire escapade was caught on tape and shown Tuesday on the Oxygen Network’s reality show Tori & Dean: Inn Love.

Keepin’ bizzy

Biz Martinez, the mastermind behind the late-night Local Celebrity party at the financially beleaguered downtown club Nocturnal, stood up on the patio of the superclub Sunday night and announced what many Miami house music fans feared: The party’s over. Despite the demise of the long-running event — arguably Nocturnal’s best night —Martinez is moving on. After all, he’s been through this before. Years ago, he ran a successful party called Sundance at Amika. He recently revived that party, which is now holding court Sundays at Set. There’s no word yet on a possible LC comeback, but, in the meantime, Biz is keeping busy with a special event this Saturday night at Suite. DJ Behrouz, fresh off his summer tour in Ibiza, will take up the decks and make everyone in the house feel, well, suite. Look out for downtown’s favorite door personality, Alan T, and Suite’s rudest door monkey, Nicolas — they’re the ones who are going to discern whether you’re cool enough to be allowed into the Biz-Behrouz bash.

Just friends ... with benefits

British billionaire heiress Stephanie Allen filed for divorce from her musician husband Tony Allen, citing allegations that he committed adultery when he and Lindsay Lohan got down and dirty in a bathroom stall of the rehab clinic where they both sought treatment. The toilet bowl tryst is rumored to have taken place during the pair’s July stint at Utah’s Cirque Lodge. According to wife Allen, “adultery” and “cruel treatment” from the Dead Stays Alive frontman caused the marriage to become “irretrievably broken.”

Window shopping … with benefits

Geeks everywhere have been lining up outside Wal-Marts across the country to get their greasy little fingers on the X-Box 360’s hottest new combat game, Halo 3. So, if you’re a Republican, you can always claim that you were just searching for a copy of Halo 3 the next time you get caught walking into the new Halo Lounge gentleman’s bar just off of Lincoln Road. If you’re looking for your very own serviceman, but want a demo first, this definitely is the place for you. Leave it to those playing for the pink team to come up with a fabulous new way to window shop for a new lover. The bar boasts two crystal-clear window panes so the gentlemen callers can peruse the merchandise before taking home any of the scrumptious goods inside. The blue and pink neon lights, however, won’t exactly light up your good side, but nothing is perfect.

Passing the ultimate velvet rope

 

Privé and Mansion regulars might remember him as the blond with the long dreadlocks working the door in a stylish suit, but his friends and family remember him as the Gulliver High School grad that loved football, nightlife and motorcycles. It was that last love, sadly, that ended him. Last weekend, the Opium Group and countless friends and family members mourned the passing of Richard “Staten” Everhart after he was involved in a fatal motorcycle accident. “We were deeply saddened by the tragic loss of our Opium Group family member,” said Vanessa Menkes, vice president of communications for the Opium Group. “Our hearts go out to his family, friends and all who mourn his passing.”

 

Spotted:

Janice Dickinson at the Casa Casuarina placing a wreath for Gianni Versace on the steps of the murdered designer’s former home. Dickinson is in town filming her reality show, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency.

Scott Storch having dinner at The Forge on Saturday night with members of the Terror Squad. Later on, at Glass, Storch premiered his latest track featuring The Game, much to the delight of everybody in the house.

Fat Joe in the lobby of the Catalina Hotel during the weekend.

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