RERUNS: MMTP Archive

Episode 39: Party on, Dudes

By Lee Molloy

For our reality series Make Me the President, we scoured the country to find the most power-hungry, Machiavellian and downright unattractive people in the United States of America (“The Greatest Nation On Earth” ™) to find the man, or woman, who could raise the most money, be willing to break the most promises and offer the most bland reason to become — The President.

This week on MMTP:

Tina Fey, er, Gov. Sarah Palin, was interviewed by Amy Poehler regarding her position on Katie Couric over at CBS. Sorry, we mean her position on Russia, you know, where Saturday Night Live is filmed. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, as it was all “gotcha politics” anyway — or so Sen. John McCain and Palin would have it.

You know what? Screw McCain and Palin. Every week MMTP producers try to get beyond the spin and find out what is really going on with this contest, and, quite frankly, this week we are sick of the BS. And furthermore, we are sick of hearing the crybaby antics of Team Republicans complaining about the media elite.

Media is a business, and the last time we checked, the interests of business were the prime concern of Team Republicans. So, they must mean those in the media? Yes, look at all those media stars-turned-politician: Pres. Ronald Reagan, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger or even Sen. Fred “That Guy from Law & Order” Thompson. No, wait, we’ve been here before — they all play for Team Republicans. Damn. Then it must be the cable news companies? Uh-oh, Fox News is still the biggest player in the industry, and they could hardly be described as liberal. In fact, some would say they are somewhat sympathetic to those on the right. So, again, who exactly are these media elites that are playing unfairly with McCain and Palin? Seriously, someone write in and tell us.

The next thing you know, McCain will try to blame Sen. Barack Obama for the failure of Congress to bail out Wall Street. Wait, he did? Well, it’s so obvious when you think about it — Team Republicans’ Champ, “W,” suggested the bailout; the team’s nominee, McCain, supported it; and their congressional leadership signed off on it. What’s more, the majority of Team Democrats members voted for it. So, of course, it just stands to reason that it was Obama’s fault when two-thirds of Team Republicans members voted against the measure. That makes perfect sense, right? 

Whatever. That’s quite enough of such nonsense.

MMTP Producers found themselves in a pickle last Friday night deciding which of two debate parties to go to. Would we go to a party thrown by Obama supporters or to a party thrown by Obama supporters? What a conundrum. Anyway, the most fun thing about a debate party is what a misnomer the name is — there is no debate to be had at a debate party. No matter whose fans throw the party, everyone invited is always rooting for the same guy.

It’s like watching a football game at someone’s house when they only invite people who support the same team as them. Everyone gets all excited when their team has the ball, but then suddenly has Attention Deficit Disorder when the other side has it. 

Same thing at the debate party: Whenever Obama spoke, it was like God talking to Moses through a burning bush, i.e., listening with awe; but when McCain spoke, it was like God speaking to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, i.e., basically ignoring what was said.

So, if one’s mind is already made up, what is the point of watching the debate, unless it is for some kind of entertainment, like a reality TV show, perhaps? Hmmm.

What of the substance of the thing?

First, Jim Lehrer reminded everyone why most people find PBS so boring — he’s a nice guy and all, but not someone you want hosting a party.

Then our two finalists came out for the first of their three battles, to the only applause allowed the audience. McCain was wearing a blue suit, which is a good choice, as blue is generally relaxing and symbolizes loyalty. Obama, on the other hand, went for an immaculately cut black suit — a symbol of power — but it can also make the wearer seem aloof, and that’s a perception that Obama can live without. The sartorial winner has to be McCain.

Lehrer got straight into it by asking about the financial recovery plan. Obama was up first and spoke straight to the camera. It was a good move because, as with the new ad that ran just before the debate, it makes him seem very presidential.

“Are you afraid I couldn’t hear him?” McCain jokes after Lehrer commands Obama to call McCain out to his face, with regards to his saying “the fundamentals of the economy are sound,” which was the first joke of the evening and a sound bite victory for McCain. But, the Arizona senator’s comedy styling doesn’t always work. Another joke totally flat-lined: “We spent $3 million to study the DNA of bears in Montana,” McCain said. “I don’t know if that was a criminal issue or a paternal issue, but the fact is that it was $3 million of our taxpayers’ money.”

However, a later line: “It’s hard to reach across the aisle from that far to the left” had even Obama laughing.

Things got worse for McCain, though, as he repeated lines from earlier debates, such as the one about his veto of pork barrel spending requests. “I will make them famous, you will know their names,” McCain said. And then, twice during the evening, his favorite line, “I didn’t win Miss Congeniality in the United States Senate,” reappeared. Isn’t that kind of weird, being so proud of being a dick?

One of the real differences that emerged between these two contestants is that McCain wants to be compared to great Team Republicans leaders of the past, like former MMTP Champs Dwight Eisenhower and Ronald Reagan. So, McCain is obviously totally gay for Reagan — he mentioned him no less than four times during the evening. Obama, however, kept his comments fixed firmly in the future; there were no mentions of former MMTP Champ Jack Kennedy or any other Team Democrats heroes. No, sir. The junior senator from Illinois doesn’t want to be the next anybody — this dude is running to be the first Obama.

Although Obama had those at our debate party at “hello,” he didn’t convincingly beat McCain on any points. Obama’s professorial style just doesn’t work well in debates, evidenced by the fact that even though he may be smarter, and know more about the issues, he didn’t even get a bump in the post-debate polling. He needs to learn how to cut and thrust more, how to tell a joke, and how to deliver the killer sound bite that gets played over and over again on the news. Basically, Obama needs to lighten up a bit, and with only two more shots to close the deal, he had better get a move on.

Tune in next week to see if, because of a total collapse of the economy, Air Force One is now the call sign of a Cessna 400.

Hail to the Chief!

Comments? E-mail lee@miamisunpost.com

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