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Naked people invade the Sagamore Hotel. Get
it? Sag-a-more. Photo by Carlos Barria/Reuters |
Well,
thanks to New York artist Spencer Tunick, I have now seen
enough penises and va-jay-jays to last me more than a few
lifetimes. On Columbus Day, 500 naked people filed into the
Sagamore Hotel to pose before Tunick’s camera. Everywhere you
turned there were big ones, little ones, even pierced ones. You
name it and it most likely wobbled within eyeshot of me. All I
can say is I hope they disinfected the bar area; otherwise,
there will be leftover cooties from all the naked people
sitting on the bar.
The whole scene was somewhat
surreal. Though most of the participants in the installation
were well-behaved nudists, there was at least one smokin’ hot
blonde who circumvented the long lines and stood out from the
rest. Presumably assuming Tunick was filming a porno, the Fort
Lauderdale beauty could not stop playing with her nipples. When
Tunick’s assistant handed out champagne bottles for the final
set of pictures, she defiantly shook it for the cameras. Boy,
did she shake it. I’m not just talking about the bottle either,
though she was indeed rubbing that bubbly all over her naked
body. The crowd loved it. Well, except the ladies, who just
loved hating on the slutty temptress. Unfortunately, the rest of
the models were less than desirable; ranging in age from 18 to
86, they ran the spectrum in body shapes. The naked bodies were
an ode to abstraction.
From the top of a ladder and
yelling through a bullhorn, Tunick directed the day’s events, at
times becoming somewhat irate with some of the models.
“Take the fucking picture
already,” yelled one naked and inpatient participant from the
fourth-floor balcony.
She was quickly reprimanded
for her outburst.
“If you are having a problem
standing still, I’ll have to ask you to end your participation
in the installation,” said an annoyed Tunick through his
bullhorn.
Being lost in a sea of naked
people can be fun, but I think next time I’ll just wait for the
final pictures to come out and save myself the painful visuals I
had to endure every time I turned a corner. Still, I love the
fact that Miami can now join the ranks of Amsterdam and
Barcelona as places that can produce clearly identifiable
world-class works of art.
My network of undercover
agents has informed me that a certain superstar basketball
player is in the market for a new luxury maritime vessel. Having
recently filed for divorce from his allegedly two-timing wife (I
know … shocker, huh?), Shaquille O’Neal apparently wants
to head out to sea in style. The Miami Heat mega-celeb is
looking to trade in his current yacht and upgrade to something a
little more spectacular. You know what they say about the size
of a man’s boat. Maybe Shaq just needs to hit the open water to
clear his mind of his marital troubles — not unlike a young
Melville. His estranged wife, Shaunie, is seeking to repair all
the love lost, though. Her lawyers have filed court papers to
dismiss Shaq’s petition for divorce. Shaunie is also asking for
a cooling-off period in hopes that she and Shaq can fix their
marital woes. If she really did step out on him, I’d say she has
as much chance at getting back with her main man as Shaq does of
hitting a free throw.
Personally, I love it when
New Yorkers come down to Miami and get a healthy dose of
reality. Self-described “it” girl Tinsley Mortimer,
famous for doing nothing, was in town last week. The Manhattan
socialite hosted the
Ocean Drive
celebration for Patrick McMullan’s new book, Glamour Girls.
While attempting to order Roberto Cavalli vodka from the
bartender, Mortimer went unnoticed. Unaccustomed to being
ignored, she was forced to change locations at the bar. Again,
poor Tinsley got a healthy dose of the Larry David snub. She
then walked away frustrated, but still managed to pose for
photos. Still, things didn’t work out for the poor little rich
girl. When she ducked out to the ladies room, where her stylist
and makeup artist were stationed all night, she made it clear
that she was not too happy. Mortimer wanted to wear her hair up
and her stylist didn’t have the correct bobby pin to cover her
exposed extensions, so she had to wear her hair down instead.
Maybe that’s why nobody noticed her.
Real World Miami
cast member Dan Renzi, letting it all hang out for
Spencer Tunick at the Sagamore Hotel on Monday.
Miami Ink
mastermind Ami James chillin’ at the Shore Club on
Thursday night.
Eva Mendes
at the Mandarin Oriental on Friday and then again at the
airport, where the sexy actress allegedly called a
picture-seeking fan an “asshole.”
Biz Martinez
celebrates his birthday with a couple of badass bashes, starting
at Suite on Saturday and ending on Sunday at Set.
Danny Tenaglia throws down a six-hour set at Suite; Sunday’s
Sundance party will feature the turntable mechanics of
Behrouz and Stephan Luke.
Fabolous will perform
live at Mansion on Thursday night.
Hip-hop tattoo artist
Pride will also be in the house, celebrating his
birthday. BET’s Melyssa Ford and Tigger
will serve as hosts.
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