A Fashion Funkshion

By Kris Conesa

The Funkshion fashion show at the old Paris Theatre provided for plenty of eye candy. Photo by Mitchell Zachs/Magicalphotos.com

The functions took over Funkshion Miami Fashion Week at the old Paris Theatre on Washington Avenue and gave bulimics everywhere something to aspire to.

Magic City fashionistas watched the newest and hottest threads sashay down the “state-of-the-art event pod” from such high-end names as Cristina Ferrari and True Religion and — oh, who am I kidding? Listen, the only thing I know about fashion is how to be fashionably late. I have that on lockdown. The problem is fashion shows tend to be very punctual events, so an hour here or an hour there makes a hell of a difference. I might not know too much about fashion, but models in bikinis, well, that’s a whore of a different color.

I’m sure all of the models are very nice, demure women. It was just that one dude in that tiny bathing suit who was a total slut. Still, despite the hordes of fashion fans blocking my view of practically naked women, whom I ­couldn’t even hope to bed on my salary, I did enjoy the window shopping.

Besides, there were some notable highlights. For example, the Red Bull-sponsored Mix N Mash Saturday night featured Little Louie Vega, DJ Irie and DJs Tabu and Dummy battling against the models doing their sexy struts down the catwalk. On Thursday, DJ AM hosted the after-party at AG Adriano Goldschmied on South Beach and, again, the Amaya swimsuits were nothing if not a godsend.

DJ AM I Deaf?

Wow, I can’t even begin to put into words how freakin’ loud DJ AM’s set was at Mansion on Friday. There were people with their fingers in their ears everywhere, which, by the way, makes for very humorous dancing. AM took to the decks on a mission to blow out the speakers and every eardrum in the house. He spun exactly what you would expect from the guy blamed for hooking Nicole Richie on drugs — an L.A.-inspired musical homage to sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll.

Honestly, it could have been a good set, if it wasn’t so painful. Bleeding from the ears never makes for a good night.

Mansion, on the other hand, enjoyed two good nights. DJ AM’s clout drew a nice crowd, and by nice I mean packed but manageable. On Saturday, the club enjoyed the DJ stylings of Sasha, who was not only off the chain, but also audibly friendlier than his predecessor.

Speaking of Predecessors

Jon Warech, my distinguished forefather and the first 411 columnist, made an appearance on the E! network last week. Warech, who like so many before him made the trek from Miami to L.A. in the hopes of finding stardom — or at least some stars — landed a cushy celebrity-stalking gig at OK! magazine. Thus, his expertise on all things Lindsay Lohan is now highly sought-after, as made evident by his commentary on the entertainment network. I know he’s doing well because the gossip guy was sporting one dapper haircut. I can’t help but wonder if Bravo hairstylist Jonathan Antin is one of his sources.

Obligatory Britney-Bashing

Brit Brit surrendered herself to the Los Angeles Police Department, and the pop tart was then booked on hit and run charges. As everyone now knows, the entire incident was captured by the paparazzi. However, everyone may not know about that heartbreaking custody battle. No, I’m not talking about Britney Spears’ and K-Fed’s kids; I’m talking about their two little doggies. It seems the bleeding hearts at PETA requested that Spears turn over custody of her K-9 companions to the more responsible dog owner, K-Fed. PETA president Ingrid Newkirk fears that the dogs are in danger, particularly London, a Yorkshire terrier that has been photographed clubbing and shopping with the Toxic Tart.  In an open letter to Kevin Federline, Newkirk encouraged him to fight for the pups. At the very least, he should do it for the children’s sake. They’re going need the unconditional love of their furry friends during this messy divorce drama.

Spotted

A chunky Matt Damon jogging by his home on North Bay Road on Saturday. Jeez, I though the woman was supposed to gain weight during pregnancy.

Usher and wife Tameka Foster doing a little bit of shopping at the Atrium shops on Thursday. The two lovebirds were seen holding hands and smiling the entire time.

Derek Jeter and Timbaland at Set Friday night following dinner at Nobu and a pre-party at Skybar.

Upcoming

Sarah Silverman is so funny she’s hot. Check out the crass comedian as she takes the stage at the Fillmore Miami Beach at the Jackie Gleason Theatre at 8 p.m. Sunday, Oct. 28.

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