Mark Lehmkuhl with P.Diddy in 2006. File photo by Seth Browarnik/Red Eye Productions

Free hot dogs.

That’s why Murmurs arrived too late to see the latest Elect Simon Cruz for Mayor campaign march down Lincoln Road on Sunday with special guest Shaquille O’Neal — again.

Murmurs has seen Shaq attacks before, with the Miami Heat star grinning and waving with Cruz, so there was no rush. Might as well stop on the way to devour free hot dogs at the Abbey Brewing Company. Then maybe drink a second glass of beer. Then start conversing with an altered regular who couldn’t remember exactly where he was between the hours of 5 a.m. and noon, just that he hadn’t slept. Then talk about a practical joke that involved stealing a handgun. Then … oops. Time to go.

Murmurs didn’t see the imposing Shaq on Lincoln Road, but instead spotted a pack of a couple dozen people walking with “Simon Cruz for Mayor” signs. Though determined in their mission, they seemed as if they had just woken up. Then Murmurs realized: The pack was full of nightclub operators, promoters, bartenders and servers.

What would motivate the nightlife contingent to parade around at the ungodly hour of 4 p.m., and on a Sunday no less? Probably an e-mail from Suite nightclub owner Mark Lehmkuhl, famous for his previous affiliation with the Opium Group’s Milon Brothers and for having a last name that’s really hard to spell. The e-mail, presumably sent to various nightlife types, warned of a mysterious “opposition” that sought to upset the balance between residents and the nightlife industry and end the party forever.

“This is one of the most important e-mails I have ever [written] you. It concerns the immediate future of this place we all live [in] and enjoy,” Lehmkuhl wrote. The gist of his e-mail: If Simon Cruz was not elected mayor, it would be the end of nightlife as South Beach knows it. “In May 2004, I witnessed one of the most irresponsible actions in Miami Beach politics [to] take place,” he wrote.

Was it giving millions of property tax dollars to a private developer? Nope, that was a fairly regular occurrence in the 1990s. Sorry, we interrupt.

“A devastating attempt,” Lehmkuhl declared, “was made by the opposition to end nightlife and entertainment at 2 a.m. and restrict social events, private fundraisers and many things that are the essence of what makes Miami Beach the hottest city in America.”

Oh that. Lehmkuhl was referring to a proposal to roll back restaurant and club operating hours from 5 a.m. to 2 a.m. in South Beach’s South of Fifth and Sunset Harbour neighborhoods. Three years ago, during a packed meeting of dueling condo residents and nightclub operators, city commissioners backed off on the total rollback and, instead, declared that no new restaurants and bars would be allowed to open in those areas. Everybody seemed happy. Then came the hotel “accessory uses,” which alleged hotels used to open up busy restaurants, sparking a whole other wave of grumbling, threats and the like. But that’s another story.

The point is, there was never any serious effort to yank hours back from 5 a.m. to 2 a.m. throughout South Beach, just an offhand remark from Mayor David Dermer to the media in ’04 wondering why some clubs couldn’t make their money before 2 a.m. As far as Murmurs knows, there was never any proposal to restrict social gatherings and private fundraisers — just an attempt to outlaw profit-making house parties in single-family neighborhoods.

In his e-mail, Lehmkuhl also warns that the “opposition” scoffs at the notion that people come to Miami Beach for the nightlife and insinuated that they would not mind if it disappeared. “I am a resident and I know that if you bring down the infrastructure of Miami Beach’s economy, we all will be affected, whether you own a café, a $300,000 condo or a $6 million home on the water.”

Nice sentiment, but if condo owners and single-family home dwellers really decided to annihilate nightlifedom from the multibillion-dollar sandbar, the hip crowd probably couldn’t do much about it, no matter who is elected mayor. Homeowners tend to vote, you see. Nightlifers — well, not so much. This was made painfully apparent in 1997, when nightclub marketer Teddi Segal tried to mobilize Miami Beach nightclub workers into a voting bloc. Considering that many of the young individuals who worked at clubs weren’t even American citizens, the effort didn’t make even a dent in the elections or policy-making efforts.

Nowadays, Segal sells condos.

After Thought

Murmurs made a stop at the Simon Cruz election — or not — party at the Shelborne Tuesday night and could not help but notice that at the precise moment when the county’s access channel broadcast the results of all but one precinct, the DJ began to play a salsa-remixed version of Cold Play’s “Clocks.” And while Cruz stoically stared at television, which all but declared his opponent Matti Bower the victor, the voice of Chris Martin began to croon: “Lights go out and I can’t be saved, tides that I tried to swim against, you’ve put me down upon my knees, oh I beg, I beg and plead.…” A few minutes later, supporters hugged Cruz and offered their condolences. Then the soon-to-be-former commissioner danced a few steps.