Introducing The 411’s latest object of affection and lust: Gabrielle Union

Seriously people, I’d love to go just one week without pissing someone off. I know it’s a lot to ask for, given my vocation and my aptitude for inebriated discourse, but if I had my way everyone in this world would be as cool and as laid-back as Kenan Thompson from Saturday Night Live and as giving as Gabrielle Union.

Thankfully, there are still some people who have much love for this information operator and, as such, arranged to take him behind the scenes of the very first Cancun International Film Festival this week.

I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect when I got to the festival, founded by Matt Heien and his Eastside crew, but after a few long workdays sitting by the all-inclusive bar at the five-star hotel, our mission became crystal clear — out-drink Thompson and bust a sexy move or two with Union at some of Cancun’s hottest nightspots.

The gorgeous, altruistic Union received the festival’s humanitarian award for her activism on women’s issues, particularly violence against women.

“I’m constantly being asked by reporters who is the better kisser — Will Smith or LL Cool J — and you know I have more to say than just those topical issues.

People need to stop paying attention to celebrities like Britney Spears and realize that there is a lot of good work that still needs to get done,” said Union, addressing the festival’s gala awards ceremony. The stunning actress received a standing ovation from the crowd, which even saw Ernie Hudson take to his shrivelled old feet (Slimer did not attend). A few minutes later, Union, her sister and Brittny Gastineau were whisked away and crammed into a party van that Miami badass David Grutman managed to corral for the celebs. Serendipitously, The 411 managed to stow away as well. It sure is amazing what a handy bottle of champagne will grant one access to, huh?

While Gastineau sat grimacing during the entire ride over to the VIP section of Pure nightclub, the rest of the entourage downed more tequila than should be allowed by the federales. That’s when this reporter seized the opportunity to re-create a scene starring Gaby (as Union is known to her peeps) from one of his favorite movies, Cradle to the Grave. If you’ve seen the flick, you know exactly what I’m talking about, and as I got my sexy on with the gorgeous actress on the dance floor, I couldn’t help but think how this woman was the total package: beauty, brains and heart. I mean, you have to be a pretty giving soul to put up with my dance moves, right?

Kenan and Kris?

So, midway into a 10/420 I get a knock on the door of my opulent oceanside suite and, lo and behold, there stands Snakes on a Plane actor and funnyman Kenan Thompson. Thompson and I had been downing shots of Don Julio tequila all day, and now he wanted to sample some of the local agriculture from the comfort of my room. Happy to oblige, I poured another couple of shots and began to pontificate on the actor’s career.

“You can’t be afraid to change agents when you feel they are trying to stereotype you as the funny fat guy, you know,” said Thompson. “I mean, I feel there are a lot of roles out there I could be doing.”

“Like what?” I queried.

“Well, I’ve been watching The Departed for what seems like forever these days, and you know, I think I could have done Anthony Anderson’s role in that flick.”

So what’s it like to be the newest alumnus of the all-star cast of Saturday Night Live?

“Oh man, it’s an honor. To be in the same category with the greats like Dan Aykroyd, Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy? It’s awesome! Aykroyd is the coolest, too. He be hanging out backstage all the time just cracking us all up.”

So just how cool is this guy? Well, when we told him we had forgotten our laptop back in the 305, the generous former child actor actually offered to loan us his. What a guy!

Spotted — South of the Border

OMG! If you’ve ever watched an episode of Showtime’s Californication, then you’ve no doubt seen Rachel Miner’s bare ass bent over a deck or crawling on all fours in preparation for some light B and D. Well, we certainly have, and as aroused as we were when we kept rewinding the TiVo to watch it over and over again, we were equally heartbroken when we saw her canoodling with a shaggy-haired gentleman at the gala awards ceremony. Oh, and the tattoos are fake, people. (Pout!)

Meanwhile Haylie Duff was working the red carpet at the über-opulent El Dorado Resort, where a few lucky hotties were given a week’s free stay valued at about as much as The 411 makes in a year. Gabrielle Union, Ernie Hudson and Brittny Gastineau were also there jamming to the Spanish-language sounds of Area 305.

Also spotted were the newest cast of MTV’s The Real World filming in the lobby of the Me by Meliá Cancun resort and MTV VJ Quddus wearing a dashiki at the CIFF gala awards ceremony.