Benicio Del Toro is seen here partying like an old man. But at RokBar, Benicio partied like a rock star with Mickey Rourke. Photo by Getty Images

As much as I’d like to cash in on some child support payments, I must dispel all the rumors out there once and for all — I was not off fathering Britney Spears' alleged bastard child last week. Nope, it wasn’t me.

I was off celebrating Thanksgiving and pretending to surf the overhead waves off the coast of Rincón, Puerto Rico, when it dawned on me that I’d better not piss off any more readers with my salacious rumors and innuendos.

Of course, that means I’m forced to direct my entire libation-induced rage and witticisms toward that bastard, Art Basel! First of all, who the hell does he think he is, depriving me of the Saturday night block party in the Design District? I mean, they didn’t have to cancel the coolest part of Basel week!

Oh well, on the plus side, it’s about that time of year when everyone needs to hang out with trendy Design District kids and say cool things like, “Fuck art; let’s dance!”

That’s right, we’re Baseling, baby! I, for one, am dying to know if my favorite installation, that of a random man sitting on a toilet and reading a book, an obvious modern masterpiece even to the untrained eye, will return this year.

Oh, and let’s not forget about the enormous, machine-gun-toting, camouflage-wearing, inflatable Mickey Mouse that fell in bloody battle around Second Avenue. I’ll bet President Bush would so love to display that on the White House lawn — after all, it was inspired by him.

But I digress from my original question: Who is this Art Basel dude? Well, if you don’t know, let me be the first to label you an uneducated Philistine unworthy of the artistic extravaganza heading our way. The 411 is continually surprised at the number of people who remain completely unaware of the copious amounts of free liquor that “Mr. Basel,” a Swiss national with a predisposition for art collecting, boozing and hangin’ with women of questionable morals, has in store for them. If you are one of those uninformed parties, then you deserve to be kept in the dark. But my editors won’t allow it and, as such, have devoted much of this issue to educating you with a compendium of the coolest happenings around town during Basel week — Design District kids not included.

Art Basel Suggests

Watch the skaters surf the Concrete Waves to the sounds of their favorite DJs at Collins Park from 6 to 11 p.m. every night till Saturday, when DJ DadeABass takes to the decks and drops the boom.

Stash, Dave White, Futura, Ron English, Sam Flores, Chris Garver, Chris Nunez, Blaine Fontana, Kris Kuksi and Amy Sol will be at the by-appointment-only F.A.M.E. Collective, a cultural amalgamation of fashion, art, music and entertainment featuring a four-story exhibition by more than 25 contemporary pop and graffiti artists.

If you’re lucky enough to get invited, or smart enough to finagle your way past the door Nazis, the Ball of Artists at Vizcaya starts tonight (Thursday) at 9 p.m. It should be, well, a ball.

The Ocean Drive Magazine Paint the Town Green party takes place from 8:30 p.m. till midnight Friday at the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables. The event will benefit the Environmental Media Agency.

Or take a stroll through Fountain Miami in Wynwood on Friday. This guerilla-style art fair, always a hub of things to come, is off the beaten path with its roots deeply planted in Dada. It’s from 7 p.m. to midnight at 2825 N.W. Second Ave.

On Saturday, Eva Mendes hosts the launch of the Campari Calendar at 3930 N.E. Second Ave., Suite 202, from 8 to 10 p.m.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a true Basel experience if you neglected passing by Joe Budious’ warehouse. Just find a cool Design District kid to point the way.

Spotted:

Benicio Del Toro and ma’ boy Mickey Rourke were rockin' out at the newly opened Rokbar till the wee hours Thursday night.

Brooke Hogan may not have a happy home, but she sure escaped her woes by partying at The Forge Thursday night.

Puffy Diddy Daddy Combs at Mansion on Friday night.

Upcoming:

Freakin’ MSTRKRFT at the Pawn Shop Lounge on Friday night. You’d better be there, fool!

Got the 411? E-mail The411@miamisunpost.com.