The Miami spinoff of the Swiss Art Basel fair has come and gone, and all is right in the universe, according to an official Art Basel press release. The international show attracted a record number of art enthusiasts, journalists, curators and other sophisticated gawkers. “With a record number of 43,000 visitors from every continent plus 1,600 journalists, the show attracted more people than ever,” the release proclaimed. “Many thousands of guests were seen at the surrounding cultural exhibitions and events. Celebrated artists and leading art-world personalities participated in the programs of Art Basel Miami Beach. The economy prospered, the sick were miraculously healed and the answers to the universe were instantly transmitted into the minds of VIP patrons.”

All right, Murmurs made up the last sentence in that quote. However, both local government types and Basel delegates seem to be glowing about the latest Basel experience. “It was a wonderful week,” said Bob Goodman, a local political consultant who served as Art Basel’s spokesman. “It went by splendidly.”

Yes, everything went fairly well. But not even art, alcohol and free concerts could prevent violence and mishaps from visiting Miami-Dade County.

Last Thursday, while crossing Meridian Avenue right in front of Macy’s near Lincoln Road, a woman was nearly killed by a speeding vehicle. Witnesses described plenty of blood, but it turns out the woman will survive her injuries. No charges have been filed against the vehicle’s driver, who did stop after the accident. Whether or not the pedestrian, or the vehicle driver, was a patron of Art Basel was not revealed.

Then, on Sunday morning, on that same street, a white man wearing no shoes allegedly pistol-whipped a taxi driver in an apparent carjacking, according to Miami Beach Police. Undercover officers (who happened to be on the corner) chased the no-shoe-wearing man down Lincoln Road and into the alley behind Frieze ice cream shop. That’s where one of the undercover cops opened fire on no-shoe-wearing man. By daylight, a few brightly colored police cones marked where the shell casings fell. How many times no-shoe-wearing man was shot was not released by police, who cited an internal affairs investigation. Also not released: no-shoe-wearing man’s name.

Across the bay in Miami, far away from the cursed Meridian Avenue, art went up in smoke. An “advertising balloon” was blamed for starting a fire at the Harold Golen Gallery in Wynwood Monday night. According to a Miami Fire Rescue spokesman, the wind swatted the balloon around during Art Basel week, which, in turn, wore out a PVC pipe the balloon was tied to, which weakened electrical insulation, which caused a storage room breaker to blow, which sparked a fire that torched paintings and other art forms. We know what you are thinking: “What about the poor balloon?” As the Miami Herald deftly observed: “The balloon was not damaged.”

So there was no death in Art Basel. Even an elderly and bony Iggy Pop survived his multiple stage dives into several thousand pot-smoking rock fans at last Wednesday’s “Art Loves Music” Basel kickoff concert.

So maybe there’s no point in bringing up the fact that this paper’s First Amendment rights were trampled on during the festivities. Oh, what the hell. As per tradition, the SunPost sends out a team of hawkers to hand out copies of our annual Art Basel issue to anyone who might want one at the Miami Beach Convention Center, where the main Basel exhibition takes place. This year, the SunPost hawkers even donned matching orange T-shirts with “SunPost” on the front and “The World Erotic Art Museum” on the back. Anyway, despite snickers from Swiss art snobs, and the glaring eyes of Convention Center workers, the hawking went off without a hitch — till Sunday afternoon, when one Angel Vazquez, a major with the Miami Beach Police Department, stepped into the mix. Backed by an unnamed sergeant, the smallish Major Vazquez told hawker manager John Fennessey that he couldn’t pass out newspapers on a public sidewalk in front of Hall D. Vazquez couldn’t actually cite any laws that gave him the right to prevent our hawkers from passing out free information on a public sidewalk, but with the USA Patriot Act, who needs laws? That being said, a grumbling Fennessey gathered his motley crew and took them down the sidewalk and away from the pretty art people and their fancy cars.

Goodman, the Basel spokesman, said he heard some individuals were overly aggressive in handing out fliers near the Convention Center’s entrance. “It got to the point where it interfered with people walking in…. There was a lot of trash.” But Goodman said he heard no such complaints directed toward “the newspapers” and denied that Basel had anything to do with the SunPost hawkers’ forced exile from a public sidewalk. Neither SMG, the company that manages the center for the city of Miami Beach, nor the Miami Beach Police Department returned phone calls for comment.

Murmurs, meanwhile, went forth and enjoyed the Basel spectacle. One of our favorite stops was the Shanghai Supermarket booth, basically a Chinese bodega that sold empty containers of Chinese products for a buck or two so anyone could afford to buy art at Basel. We also could not help but notice the giant penis sculpture, especially since one of our photographers repeatedly asked us, “Hey, did you see the giant penis sculpture?”

Yes. Yes, we did. We also noticed that Mao Zedong’s face appeared in various paintings that hung throughout the Convention Center. So did the male half of at least one 20-something-year-old couple who muttered, “There’s that guy again.”

To which the female half replied, “Hmmmm.”

Got Murmurs? E-mail editorial@miamisunpost.com.