Best of Nightlife

Hit Me!

Sparky again. And I just want to say that I don't do cover charges.

Well, I don’t but Joan does.

For Joan I have stood in line at exclusive clubs in South Beach and downtown Miami at 1:30 in the morning. And you know what happens? The door guys take a look at 6-foot-2 Joan and start waving her in. She pushes ahead, I’m hot on her heels and then the next thing I know, the bouncer pushes me — a 5-foot-6 middle-aged guy with thinning hair on his head but plenty on his body — back into the crowd and, for emphasis, hooks the velvet red rope in front of me.

“I got money,” I would say, flashing a handful of bills.

“Joan, tell ’em I’m with you!”

“Come by and pick me up at 4:30,” she would say, not even looking back. “That’s for taking my money without asking, bitch!”

This has happened to me three or four times since we got remarried. Maybe I should stop sneaking into her purse to place bets on sporting events?

To me, and to most people, nightlife is about drinking. And, you know, after two drinks, the whole thing is boring to me. Really, I mean what is so exciting about feeling your brain cells being slowly incapacitated? Now, compare that to the thrill of going all in with pocket fives during a game of Texas Hold ’Em. Some schmo wearing an X-Men shirt just across from you calls. And then — bada bing! — another five comes on the flop. But then X-Men wanna-be also flops a straight draw. Then on the turn your heart sinks — he gets the straight. It’s over, right? Wrong! Because then another five comes on the river! Four of a kind! You win! You win! You win! X-Man won’t be able to buy any more comic books, now! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Awwww, man, it’s the best feeling in the world! That and nailing the baseball spread! Where’s Joan’s purse? Where is it? Where? I got a good feeling about the Cubs! Oh, hi, Joan. No, I was just looking for the TV guide. Put down the ketchup bottle. See, there it is! OK, gotta finish those intros for the SunPost. Just put down the — alright, I’ll be in the study if you need me. Love you!

Whew!

Anyway, in this section you will get the SunPost’s best picks for nightlife, drinking and other forms of debauchery. Enjoy reading as I beg Joan to lend me $40 for the $1 and $2 games at the Seminole casino. And SunPost, where’s my money? Daddy needs to get his fix.

Naomi’s $1.8 Million Birthday Extravaganza

When British supermodel Naomi Campbell turned 36 on May 21 of this year, it took her three days to throw a party for herself. According to Vogue and various blogs, gossipy rags and Internet chat sites, most of the Burj Al Arab hotel in Dubai was rented out for the blessed and beautiful-people event, which was hosted by her boyfriend of eight months, Badr Jafar. The affair reportedly cost about a million British pounds and featured a theme for each day: "All White," "Hip-Hop" and "Brazilian Samba." There were plenty of supermodels and A-listers on the invite list of course. As for the aftermath, apparently at least one invitee ended up in jail.

Best Karaoke Night

Sundays at Titanic Brewery

Sunday: Otherwise known as the last day before you must return to work. What better way to start the week off right than to spend the night belting out a heartfelt rendition of “Always and Forever” in front of a sizable crowd. Lucky for you, Titanic Brewery closes at 1 a.m., which gets you in bed late enough to not be dubbed a homebody and early enough to function at those 9 a.m. Monday meetings. Titanic now has WiFi for all you techies who can’t bear to be away from the Internet. Its starters, like Cheddar & Jack Quesadilla, pair nicely with the Titanic Porthole Sampler. For $4.50, you can sample six five-ounce glasses of the eight beers brewed in-house. The singing fun starts at 9 p.m. Location: 5813 Ponce De Leon Blvd., Coral Gables. Phone: 305-667-2537.

Best Karaoke Club

Studio

There’s always that one person in the office who uses whatever is said to her as an excuse to break into song. Sometimes you just have to sing — and sometimes you just need the right place to do it. In South Florida, when one does, the best venue is Studio nightclub at the Shelborne Beach Resort on South Beach. With 22,000 songs in 20 languages and open nightly, it is still the choice location for local vocal stylings. A giant dance floor with lasers, strobe lights and smoke, and instruments, plus two separate VIP rooms with music help set a proper show biz environment — and make for a lot of fun. Location: Shelborne Beach Resort, 1801 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-695-1770.

Best High-Roller Cocktail

The Chili Passion

Who can put a price on luxury? Well, the Setai, for one. At the trendy hotel on Collins, $21 gets you a little high-roller treatment in the form of a Chili Passion, the signature drink of the Setai bar. The cocktail is a delicate mix of passion fruit rum, cranberry juice, O.J., ginger juice, fruit puree and chili flakes sprinkled on top. Despite the hefty price tag (which includes tip), the delicious drink is worth the cost. The crowd is posh and the extra-friendly bar staff serves up drinks with flare and decorum. Grab a seat at the mother-of-pearl-encrusted bar and treat yourself to some VIP pampering. Location: 2001 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-520-6000.

Best South Beach Sports Bar

Finnegan’s 2

Tired of the club scene’s long lines and dry-humping on the dance floor? Finnegan’s 2 offers another alternative for a fun night out at the Beach (and the drinks are less expensive too). The local hangout offers live entertainment four nights a week, and outdoor seating for you and your friends. And when a game comes around, Finnegan’s 2 encourages sports fans to celebrate the occasion with liberty and passion, whatever the sport (why else would they have 14 TVs?). So if the occasion is cheering for your team or listening to live entertainment, the Finnegan folks have you covered. Location: 942 Lincoln Road, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-538-7997.

Best Suggested Name for a Drink

The Johnny Winton

A glass of Heineken draft with a shot of Knob Creek whiskey dropped inside. Guaranteed to make you feel like you can take on the entire Miami-Dade Police force.

Best Take-out

Jell-O Shots

Pizza? Too boring. And Chinese? Well, there’s only so much lo mein one person can eat. Enter the alcoholic goodness of Fox’s Sherron Inn’s notorious Jell-O shots. Available 365 days a year through the walk-up window in the rear of Miami’s first real lounge, the vodka and gelatin shots pack a punch that has been known to leave stumbling party girls lining up to ask for yet another of the cherry or lime “shello jots.” Originally introduced two years ago as a happy hour special to lure University of Miami students from their usual Grove haunts, the shots are so popular that the tight-knit staff at Fox’s prepares around 60 a day to keep their clientele happy. And, at $2 apiece, the sugary treats more commonly associated with frat parties than nostalgic neighborhood resto-lounges are hard to resist for the regulars who congregate nightly to share the day’s tragedies and trivialities. So the next time you crave a little Animal House at your own pad, give Fox’s a call. They’ll be more than happy to gratify your yearning for a return to the days of house parties and nights better left forgotten. Location: 6030 S. Dixie Highway, South Miami. Phone: 305-666-2230.

Best Last-Stop Bar

Mr. Moe’s

After you’ve had all the Mudslides you were going to have at Fat Tuesday in Coconut Grove and danced all you could at Oxygen or Flavour, Mr. Moe’s is undoubtedly where you’ll end up. It’s where everyone goes for that one last drink of the night. The kitchen closes at 4:30 a.m., perfect for those after-party cravings for cheese fries. This restaurant offers a delicious American-style menu, including Black Angus beef dishes. They also have more than 35 different beers for a night out with friends. Need entertainment? Mr. Moe’s has a mechanical bull, live entertainment and karaoke. Location: 3131 Commodore Plaza, Miami. Phone: 305-442-1114.

Best Overused Party Gimmick

Ladies Drink Free  

Whether the phrase above is completed by “all night” or a set time, this tried-and-true club lure is really a no-fail business plan. If drinks are free, then the ladies come. If the ladies are there, then the guys come, too, and they in turn spend more and more money on getting the girls even more drunk. It’s overdone but it works. So if it ain’t broke.…

Best Place to Play Pool

Felt

Whether you can’t keep the white ball on the table or you’ve got a pool hall nickname that would fit well in a Tarantino film, get your stick down to Felt. As if some of you needed more fodder for delusions of grandeur that make up your pool-playing skills, the flash and glamour of Felt will replace your Tom Cruise impression nicely. Felt has 10 regulation-sized tables, a full bar and plenty of uppity South Beach locals to school. Just don’t forget the immortal words of Fast Eddie Felson: “You gotta have two things to win. You gotta have brains and you gotta have balls. And you got too much of one and not enough of the other.” Location: 1242 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-531-2114

Best New Hotel Hangout

Rex @ The Marlin Hotel

Everyone knows you can catch the most elite scenesters downtown on a Saturday night, but where do you go to find those fringe cuts and vintage tees on a weeknight? Look no further than Miami Beach’s lounge-like hotel bars. Leading the pack with gritty glamour and packed parties Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights is Rex, the Marlin Hotel’s punk-inspired hangout. With party names like Damaged and BOB, Rex has ditched the notion of champagne and suede to attract local celebrities looking for a place to showcase their absolute cool, often on the patio fronting the quiet stretch of Collins Avenue. Inside, partiers travel to the tune of familiar local DJs on their way to the bar and dim enclave of booths in the rear, often sidestepping break-dancing b-boys. With no cover or bothersome lines, both those in the know and random groups passing by flit in and out, making for a fluid scene where a suited banker from L.A. might find himself conversing with American Apparel’s newest salesgirl. Location: 1200 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-604-3595.

Best Inexpensive World Beer Selection

Zeke’s Roadhouse

“Don’t write about Zeke’s,” one local said when asked for the dirt. “It’s the last place we have.” Another, on a separate night, said, “Over 100 beers, all for three bucks … what else is there to say?” And honestly, what else is there to say? The boutique beer lover’s hideaway on Lincoln Road is exactly what all other brewpubs wish they were. Serving the best in American microbrew rarities and a collection of the imported classics, Zeke’s quenches the more cultivated thirst at a price — $3 across the board ($4 for wine) — so astoundingly reasonable that it’s not out of line to do a double-take when passing the chalkboard with prices that sits just outside the door. “Common sense is the most precious commodity in the world,” the second local, assuming a wizened seriousness, said about Zeke’s and, you know, he might just be right. Location: 625 Lincoln Road, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-672-3118.

Best Mainland Beer Selection

The Bar

What’ll happen is, you’re gonna walk in and kinda ignore the crowd because there’s a large blackboard over the bar with a deliciously varied array of brews – including Alley Cat Amber Ale, Hoegaarden, Rogue Hazel Nut, and Old Thumper. The Bar holds about 60 different beers from a dozen countries and several U.S. specialties. If you’re undecided, ask for the “Tap of the Month” (Kostritzer, last time we checked). Then you’ll saunter over to the nearest table, have a seat and contemplate the lovely Art Nouveau posters on the walls. Try another beer this time, maybe a trappiste. Then repeat again after that, something new for every glass. You might need to eat in between the tasting, so it’s a good thing this is one of the only places in the Gables that serves food until 2 a.m. Location: 172 Giralda Ave., Coral Gables. Phone: 305-442-2730.

Best Locals Hangout (Beach)

Lost Weekend

When Top 40 rap, bouncers with big egos and rich-for-the-weekend suburbanites make their appearance on the Beach, locals disappear more quickly than middle school kids hearing the final bell. But where do they go? Places like Lost Weekend, where décor and dress take a backseat to aimless chatter, friendly games of pool and drinks cheap enough to afford a slice of pizza on the short walk home. Located far from the congested sidewalks of club central, the bar provides the perfect place to get out of the house without going out and a night of low-key adventures ideal for recounting at Sunday afternoon barbecues. Location: 218 Española Way, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-672-1707.

Best Excuse for Not Going Out

Netflix

There is no doubt that the little red envelopes bring so much joy to those who subscribe. Who wants to deal with traffic, expensive drinks and ridiculously overpriced parking spaces? Plus, if you circumvent all of the above, who’s to guarantee you a good time anyway? Instead just relax, pop the disc, press play and vege out. No need to show some leg to the bouncers or drop loads of cash on drinks for girls who will probably ignore you. Yeah, just stay home and flirt with Angelina in Tomb Raider or something. Web site: www.netflix.com

Best Place to Spot a Celebrity

Miami Fashion Week

It’s a fact of life, celebrities have nothing else to do but attend premieres and look good. And to look good, they love to get front-row seats at fashion shows. During Miami Fashion Week in May, you’re almost guaranteed a celeb-spotting, no matter where you are on the Beach. Among last year’s attendees were Patti Labelle, the Gotti family, America’s Next Top Model Naima, Diddy, Kimora Lee of Baby Phat …you name them, they’ve been here. (We’re sure Paris Hilton has been spotted, but then again, she’s down here all the time.) You’ll get the 411 on upcoming fashion trends and you can not only see celebs, you can dress like them, too. And MFW’s events are sometimes free so it’s not like you have to pay $600 for a bottle of Grey Goose at Privé for your brush with celeb-dom. Web site: www.miamifashionweek.com.

Best Bartender

Jimmy Ridao at the Room

He doesn’t take any bullshit, but once you get to know Jimmy Ridao, he’s the only friend you’ll need as you gulp down those Deliriums at the Room. A good bartender is knowledgeable and effective, and somewhat friendly without being overly imposing or too demure. Jimmy’s all that, and then some. The guy’s got a keen appreciation for music and always delivers a choice selection from the many albums he keeps at the bar. Moreover, Jimmy’s got a grip on the whole inebriated scene, allowing you to bask in the dark hues and take time off from those hazy days. And once in a while, you might be easily amused when, as it happens, two white-collar dregs trickle in from Opium for a nightcap and ask for a Bud. Jimmy tells them the Room’s beer-hallowed cave doesn’t carry any Budweiser. “No Bud? Really?” one dreg asks, all disappointed and slightly irritated. Jimmy will then approach them calmly and, pointing to the chalkboard, he’ll tell ’em, “We’ve got many different beers from many different places. Pick one.” Location: 100 Collins Ave., (entrance on First Street), Miami Beach. Phone: 305-531-6061.

Best Place to Believe in Miami Again

Stop Miami

For a long time now, the good people of Miami have been complaining about the dearth of something in the culture scene, especially when it comes to live music venues. Stop Miami, located right on the outskirts of the Design District, wasn’t exactly fashioned as a performance space. Frankly, it’s too small and the outdoor patio isn’t ideal either. However, this has been one of the few joints in the area that has consistently showcased and cultivated local musicians, including Jesse Jackson, the Bacon Bits and Fitzroy. Moreover there’s never been a cover charge for the shows and there’s always an eclectic enough crowd to find like-minded people, all of whom have gathered to commingle with owners Danny Brody and Alexandra Rangel, step back from Miami’s day-to-day madness and take a break for a drink, maybe some tapas and always good music. Select a bottle from the wine bar and get comfortable. For a few hours, you just might start to believe in this town again. Location: 3533 NE Second Ave., Miami. Phone: 305-576-0900.

Best New Nightspot You Don’t Know About

Bullfrog Eatz

All right, we’ll give you some hints, but that’s it. Remember where the original Sweat Records used to be in downtown Miami? Well, nearby there’s this warehouse of sorts, with a bar facing the outdoor seating area serving cheap beer and special treats from Chef Jeremiah. Live music, real people, lots of energy. This is one of the only spots in town that still has underground cred, so don’t fucking ruin it. We’re serious. Location: 2344 NE Second Ave., Miami. Phone: 305-576-3289.

Best Interior Bar Design

The Pawn Shop Lounge

Miami is known as a premier spot for party animals with its crazy clubs, bouncing bars and even parties in the middle of the street where people can get their groove on. But if you’re in the mood for something a little different, maybe a modern-meets-vintage type atmosphere, the Pawn Shop Lounge has a decorative interior boasting “secondhand art transformed into living art.” It features an air stream trailer, a school bus and of course you can’t go wrong with the VIP area in the fuselage of a jet plane. Nightclub veteran Kurt VanNostrand’s chic downtown Miami spot has weathered some personnel changes but the Pawn Shop Lounge is a place that still manages to draw SoBe Clubbers across the causeway.  Doors open at 10 p.m. and close at 5 a.m. Location: 1222 NW Second St., Miami. Phone: 305-373-3511. Web site: www.thepawnshoplounge.com. 

Best Gay Club

Twist

One SunPost writer refers to Twist as Miami Beach’s “gay Cheers,” but he quickly qualifies that by saying he does not mean in terms of décor, ambiance or that stench of stale beer and desperation. Nope, he’s talking about the comfortable, friendly feel of a bar that caters primarily to locals and regular visitors, and where it is entirely possible to find a gaggle of drinkers who all know one’s name. Besides fun and friends, Twist offers several bars, each gravitating toward its own theme in terms of music and atmosphere—something for everyone’s tastes. The front bar caters to conversation and catching up on local gossip while the patio bar is all about the show—dancers primarily. The variety under one roof permits patrons a virtual theme-park bar experience, strolling from dance music and an energetic dance floor in one room to videos and hip-hop in another. Regulars also hail Twist for generously poured drinks. Location: 1057 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-538-9478.

Best Gay Bar

Boy Bar

When owner Karen Olin decided to open Boy Bar on Normandy Isle in North Beach, it might not have been as unusual a concept as The Laundry Bar down south, but it was still a daring move. After all, gay life on Miami Beach was long presumed to be centered in South Beach. Yet this fairly small, unassuming bar has managed to acquire and maintain a steady base of patrons from the area who are drawn to it for its mellow, intimate nature and notable lack of poseurs and attitude. There is often entertainment planned for weekends and special events including some fun drag shows. But the real draw has been having a friendly bar catering to a part of town that needed it. Location: 1220 Normandy Drive, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-864-2697.

Best Gay Party

White Party

Even in an era when there are a multitude of circuit parties around the country, how strong an attraction is White Party? Consider the thousands of visitors who schlepped to South Florida last Thanksgiving weekend for the party, despite the fact that the town was then awash in blue roofs and debris from that bitch Hurricane Wilma. Now, that’s a tourist attraction. But the truth is, White Party evolved from being “just” a circuit party years ago and is actually a slate of parties—social, community and cultural events catering to the GLBT community but with a goal of raising funds to help Care Resource, Inc. combat the scourge of HIV/AIDS. That could explain why White Party remains the reigning queen of local gay parties. Or it could be the elegant party itself with its world-class DJs, fabulous décor and entertainment. Whatever the reason, White Party remains little challenged for its designation. Web site: www.careresource.org/whiteparty.

Runner-Up: Upper Eastside Halloween Party

Although definitely on a different scale, a nod should be given to the Halloween Party held annually in the Upper Eastside. No, it’s not officially a “gay” event, but it’s impossible to miss the influence and the integrated affair speaks well of a community that can come together.

Best Drag Queen

Daisy D

The former Daisy Deadpetals might be South Florida’s most ubiquitous drag queen but she is also its best. The nocturnal-oriented would have a hard time partying on South Beach without routinely bumping into Daisy, either appearing or hosting an event somewhere. Elegant but saucy, sexy, with just the right touch of bitch, Daisy is enormously generous with her time and throws her all into her performances. She definitely livened up Deco Drive a couple of years ago and, strangely, occasionally seemed like the most gender-appropriate entity on the show. Who knew? The SunPost also happens to know that beneath the makeup, Daisy D is a really nice guy, and we would take that into consideration even if Daisy weren’t as fun, friendly and talented as she is.

Best Nightlife Web Site

MiamiMusicGuide.com

In this melting-pot-of-a-city we live in, you can find nightlife experiences ranging from hip-hop to soul to of course Latin. Through all of this melodic chaos, there must be a way toward organization.

MiamiMusicGuide.com publicizes Miami’s music and arts culture while attempting to help us Miamians realize just how much music is produced and performed in our Magic City. The musically motivated Web site posts two events calendars – special and weekly – as well as venue information to help music mavens locate and navigate their way to any nightspot. There’s also information on local performers and DJs who work in and around the Miami area, plus a section on record labels to link artists and others interested in Miami’s local independent labels. So while roaming the Web, stop on www.MiamiMusicGuide.com  and you’ll find the best the local music and nightlife world offers.

Best Locals Lounge – South Beach

Liquor Lounge

Want to chill with some friends in a comfortable atmosphere? At the intimately sized Liquor Lounge, you can have a great time, any time, beyond happy hours. Despite its diminutive dimensions, there’s still room for a jukebox and a dance floor. Plus there’s never a cover charge. So after a hard day at work, this is the place to come and relax with friends for a variety of drinks, specials and music. Location: 1560 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-672 7171.

Best Place to Go on a Bender

Free Spirits

Who says Miami Beach doesn’t have a relaxed, friendly neighborhood bar? Sometimes people want to be natural and pay reasonable prices for drinks. Sometimes they want to do this starting at noon. This is possible at Free Spirits (during the World Cup they even opened as early as 8 a.m. some days – and yes, you could start drinking then). Here you can actually stop pretending to be fabulous all the time and enjoy yourself. You might even get a bit drunk and have some money left the next morning. Location: 100 21st St., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-532-5399.

Best Downtown Happy Hour

Novecento

Novecento is the place for late-afternoon drink specials with friends. This bistro brings South Florida an Argentine style popular in all cities where Novecento is established, from SoHo to SoBe. Besides offering a great variety of dishes and appetizers, this is the place to mingle and have a good time with the stylish people. It’s a popular spot for locals to chill and have a drink after work or before hitting the town--it’s hip without being snooty. From 4 to 7 p.m. daily you can revel in $7 martinis (the good kind), $3 drafts and $4 glasses of wine. And because this is a quality restaurant and not just a bar, you can get tasty made-to-order appetizers like shrimp cocktail and empanadas for an affordable $5. Location: 1414 Brickell Ave., Miami. Phone: 305-403-0900.

Best Simulation of an MTV Hip-Hop Video

Club Deep

The women look like cutouts from Playboy Magazine, but here they are appropriately dressed (depending on your personal definition of appropriate). Club Deep’s popular theme nights like College Night, Mardi Gras and Sinfully Sexy attract locals and tourists alike for a good time. Champagne, Cuban cigars, the exotic women and booty shaking are not figments of your imagination or a video from MTV – at Club Deep, it is just another night of ghetto fabulous. As we all know, it is hard out there for a pimp and everyone is entitled to have fun. Liberate your inner thug and show off that custom-made grill all night. Location: 621 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-532-1509.

Best No-Frills-Thrill Bar

Purdy Lounge

With couches lining every wall, dim lighting and enough distractions to keep even the most ADD of lounge lizards amused for a few hours, Purdy Lounge is the place to escape the summer doldrums of rerun TV and broken AC. Whether you come straight from the beach, clad in flip-flops and carrying a towel, or you put a little effort into your evening attire, it’s likely that very few of those inside the spacious lounge will notice. They’re more interested in who has the next game of pool, whether you’re finished with Connect Four and what movie’s playing in the back room. This is a crowd that has seen the glitz and glamour of South Beach, only to opt for the hominess of well-worn couches and a decent selection of beer that won’t break the bank. Liquor is poured by a clan of adept and attentive bartenders who might even listen to your woes during the rare lulls. The crowd depends largely on the night but is usually a mix of locals of every breed plus a few tourists. Nightly parties with drink specials, live shows and local DJs keep the venue fresh from monotony. Location: 1811 Purdy Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-531-4622.

Best Basement Bar

Beaches Bar and Grill

Middle Collins Avenue had a happenin’ spot once upon a time if you can believe it. A trendy kind of bar where the hip crowd lounged and danced. It was called the Chamber Lounge and it operated in the basement of an abandoned building. It closed last year, mainly because the owner decided to rip into the building.

Anyway, Beaches Bar and Grill has little in common with Chamber Lounge. First of all there is a Days Inn. You won’t usually find the DJs and the higher than mighty promoters don’t push Beaches Bar and Grill. Having said that, what you will find is a nice, laidback bar without all the hype of South Beach but all the ingredients needed to kick back and relax — either with friends or by making friends with new locals. The drinks are on the affordable side, the bar menu is pretty good, there’s an excellent jukebox and, what’s a true bar without it, a pool table. And the decorum is just so, well, relaxed as any bar that’s underground, or close to underground, should be. Location: 4299 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-672-1910.

Best Transformation

Santo

By day, Santo, which opened last year, is an upscale restaurant serving Pacific Coast and Mexican dishes. At night, the velvet rope arrives, the curtain at the back of Santo is drawn and various bars become fully operational as a DJ spins tunes alongside a resident live band. Upon entering, longtime South Beach clubgoers will probably swear they are at Level or Bar Room. Yet Santo is not located on the crowded and still somewhat grungy club realm known as Washington Avenue, it’s on Lincoln Road. Thus you can enjoy a pleasant walk down a road that has been transformed into a pedestrian mall while talking about your Santo experiences without having to worry about dodging cars. Location: 430 Lincoln Road, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-532-2882.

Best Affordable Bender

Wynwood Second Saturdays

Every second Saturday, Wynwood’s trendy galleries pull out all the stops. This doesn’t just mean art work but also free food, live music and —of course—free alcohol. By booze we don’t just mean wine but also hard liquor, mixed drinks, Red Stripe, Heineken, cans of Budweiser, etc. Worried about driving? Two words of advice: Fill up on the free food and walk from gallery to gallery. This is an “arts walk” after all. Still a tad nervous about walking around Wynwood at night? Bring along some friends but you’ll find that the local residents will be more weary of you than you are of them. Oh, and the Florida Department of Transportation is hard at work “improving” the local roads so be careful that you don’t fall into a ditch.

Best 24-Hour Strip Club

Goldrush

Guys, especially guys who go on wacky drinking binges with their bar friends, probably know the story. Here is a summary: It is 4:55 a.m. and you have just drunk yourself sober at your favorite South Beach, West Dixie Highway or wherever bar. Then suddenly Ralphie has a brilliant idea. “Dude! Let’s go to Goldrush! It’s still open!” And you’re like: “What are you talking about? By the time we hail a cab and get there it will be 5:25 a.m.” But you’re drunk, you have the day off tomorrow and you figure, “What the hey? I got nothing else to do.” So off you all go to Goldrush and — sure enough — it’s still open, fully staffed with bartenders eager to serve you drinks and teeming with beautiful (naked) women eager to take your money.

The above scenario, it should be said, occurs Wednesdays through Saturdays when Goldrush is open 24 hours. Why? Probably because the owners read studies that this is the part of the week when lonely and frustrated men get plastered and want to spend their money on strippers. How should we know? But during that period Goldrush is there, serving as a beacon of light to guys who gotta see naked girls. Location: 29 NE 11th St., Miami. Phone: 305-358-9848.

Best Men-Only Club

Club Body Center

For more than 30 years Club Body Center has been a leading private health club for men only (alternative lifestyles). Featuring a gym, shower and steam rooms, saunas and over 30 rooms (VIP, single, double), there is always action at Club Body: adult programmed entertainment several times a week and a focus on fetishes of all sorts ramps up the fun. Promising that they’re open 365 days, 24 hours a day helps as well (“We never close — except if a hurricane BLOWS us”). As their Web site suggests, 18 and over only. Location: 2991 Coral Way, Miami. Phone: 305-448-2214. Web: www.cbcresorts.com.

Best Resto-Lounge in Aventura

Q Lounge

Q Lounge is a great, easily accessible gathering spot for those in north Miami-Dade and is well known particularly to a younger, professional multiethnic crowd that helps infuse the comfortable Shoppes at the Waterways restaurant-lounge with energy. They come for the kitchen’s clever and fresh dishes and focus on perfect preparation as demonstrated in a stellar carpaccio; and for the bar, where martinis are worthy of the James Bond stamp of approval. Q Lounge is particularly fun in the evenings but worth a visit anytime. Location: 3575 NE 207th St., Suite B-11, Aventura. Phone: 305-931-9957.

Best Place to Get a Bud

The Clevelander Bar

The Clevelander Bar on Ocean Drive is where the magic happens when partygoers are out and in need of a great time. With five fully stocked bars screaming “PARTY!” there’s no way even the top party connoisseur can doubt this place. That’s probably why it’s been the backdrop for many a photo shoot and Budweiser commercial. The scene here is all about the ocean breezes, live entertainment and of course a variety of fun drinks. The Clevelander Bar has made its legendary name on South Beach by being a highly known landmark in the heart of Miami Beach’s historic Art Deco district. As fairy tale has it, nearly every late night specialist that parties on the streets of the Beach has a Clevelander story considering that “a Clevelander Bar experience is the stuff legends are made of.” And if you are lucky enough to grab a Bud and a bud, there is a hotel attached to the poolside bars. Location: 1020 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-531-3485. Web site: www.clevelander.com. 

Best Club Empire

The Opium Group

Let’s just paint a scenario for you: You’re in your best Saturday night outfit cruising the streets of South Beach looking for the hottest club to get your groove on if that’s what you’re into. Three choices: Opium Garden, Privé and Mansion. All owned by the Opium Group, one of the country’s most successful hospitality conglomerates operating Miami’s grandest nightlife sites, owners Eric Milon, Roman Jones and Francis Milon say they strive to give you a “tour de force of hospitality, design and ambiance.” Opium Garden is a 30,000 square feet space of Asian-themed bliss with golden Buddha statues, Chinese lanterns, and towering palm trees, which caters to 2,500 guests per night. Privé is a chic uber-lounge with cutting edge décor, streamlined sofas, and Helmut Neutron photography decorating the walls. The last nightclub of the trio is Mansion which has brought world-class glamour back to legendary Washington Avenue with 40,000 square feet featuring sweeping staircases, ornate fireplaces, Venetian glass mirrors, and dramatic crystal chandeliers (to give it that, well, mansion-like vibe). Location: 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-531-5535. Web site: www.theopiumgroup.com.

Best Promotional Duo

Tommy Pooch, Alan Roth, TAI Entertainment

One of the Magic City’s allures is its booming nightlife of bars, clubs and lounges. Even though Madonna, Versace and the models are gone and despite forecasts of gloom for the industry, instead of losing faith, TAI Entertainment has kept the music playing. It’s hard to attend a TAI event without seeing Tommy Pooch, wife Michelle or NFL legend Jim Brown. TAI’s New Year’s Eve party by the Raleigh hotel pool was packed with extremely well-lubricated folk, proving the draw of this pair of promoters. Started in January of 2004, TAI Entertainment is headed by Miami’s promotional superpowers — Tommy Pooch and Alan Roth (Ingrid Casares was part of the original team, but no longer). With these joined forces, TAI Entertainment has become a pinnacle promotional venture sponsoring high-class entertainment venues in and around South Florida. Whether promoting well-known liquor brands (which, as we know, make the nights go even smoother) or high-society weekly events, Pooch and Roth, with TAI Entertainment, have fixed themselves as prominent figures in the South Beach restaurant, lounge, bar and entertainment scene. Location: 940 Lincoln Road, Suite 323, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-673-3873. Web site: www.taient.com. 

Best Head Freeze

Wet Willie’s

This place has a drink named “Call a Cab.” And that pretty much sums up what you can expect at Wet Willie’s, a bar chain that begun as a dream by a car salesman to sell frozen drinks by a “nude beach.” We aren’t talking about Slurpees but drinks made with “fruit and fruit flavors that have been selected after years of on-going research and taste testing,” as described by Wet Willie’s Web site. Oh, and healthy doses of “premium brand liquors” like Bacardi and Sauza tequila. The two combined ingredients enable high-proof alcohol that, in its pure form, could act as an alternative fuel source. Thus intoxication sneaks up on an individual yet when it comes — wham! — there will be much hilarity, at least among those sober bystanders watching said Willie’s patron trying to communicate whatever thoughts are occurring in his or her temporarily deranged mind.

There are also plenty of fun facts that can be found at Wet Willie’s Web site by the by, like the history of the daiquiri, how the idea for Wet Willie’s came to be, the numerous number of Wet Willie’s location (including Paris, France!) and the fact that they like to have cops on the premises. “To ensure safety of our guests we cooperate with local authorities and have zero tolerance for unlawful or otherwise dangerous behaviors or activities on or near our premises,” Wet Willie’s site states. “In all of our locations off-duty police are used to ensure our customers enjoy Wet Willie’s and stay safe.” This brings to mind the various Wet Willies’ drunken arrest stories we’ve collected over the years from the South Beach location. So, if you are one of those wacky, angry type drunks, maybe stay clear from here. If you are a happy, jolly drunk then come on down! Call a cab afterwards. Location: 760 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach; 2911 Grand Avenue, Miami; Phone: (Miami Beach) 305-532-5650; (Miami) 305-443-5060.

Best New Watering Hole on Lincoln Road

Polar Bar

If you hung out at Finnegan’s 2 on Lincoln Road you have likely met him: Mike G, a contractor by trade (cabinets mostly) who was the de-facto mayor of the bar. Anyway, Mike G got a job offer that is probably the fantasy of any hardcore bar patron — to build the sister establishment from top to bottom, soup to nuts as it were. It was a labor of love that took many, many moons. Finally, Polar Bar opened to the public this year serving mixed drinks, frozen drinks that give Wet Willie’s a run for their money, pretty decent bar food, good DJ talent on the weekends, attracting nice eye candy of the male and female variety and (call it a Finnegan’s tradition) employing good-looking female bartenders. Incidentally, Mike G’s task has not ended with the completion of Polar Bar. He’s now one of the managers, often holding court at the end of the bar as he had at Finnegan’s, ready to step in when needed and willing to offer conversation on-duty or off. Location: 938 Lincoln Road, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-695-9334.

Best Happy Hour Marathon

Ted’s Hideaway

Typically happy hours are from 5 to 7 p.m. And ya know, that’s nice for the average working stiff. But in places like South Beach, there are weird hours. To put it bluntly: what about the waiters, bartenders, bussers and hospitality managers who bust their asses until midnight or 1 a.m.? Don’t they deserve something? Come to think about it, what about the designers, journalists, architects, promoters, municipal workers, cops, fire fighters, real estate agents, store clerks, entrepeneurs, models and various others who have, to say the least, divergent schedules. Don’t they deserve to kick it after a hard day of work? Ted’s has them in mind with two, that’s right, two sets of happy hours. The first is a marathon: from noon until 7 p.m. The second set gives respect to the night owls and members of the industry: 1 to 3 a.m. Then add in the other factors: food, jukebox , pool table and an eclectic crowd — a crowd, by the way, that truly gets more interesting in the late night hours. Location: 124 Second Street, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-532-9869.

Best Neighborhood Bar

Dewey’s

What are the essentials of a good bar atmosphere? A good jukebox? Check. Full bar? Check. Several television sets? Check. Pool table? Check. Yummy and affordable food? Oh, double check here (tasty hamburgers). Friendly bartenders? Check. A diverse crowd that attracts not just neighbors but folks from every corner of Miami-Dade County? Check. Should this bar be checked out? Checkarooooooo. Location: 852 Alton Road, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-532-9980.

Best Place to See Naked Women on the Beach

Club Madonna

Yes, women do tend to be topless on Miami Beach’s sandy areas, but, guys, staring could get you in trouble. And, unless you are really smooth, they aren’t likely to swing on poles or give you a friction dance upon sight. And then there’s Club Madonna, the only place in Miami Beach where women are allowed to be — well — naked thanks to the sheer will power and tenacity of owner Leroy Griffith. Drawback: no alcohol is served on the premises. But that’s a thing Griffith is tenaciously working to reverse. Griffith, who isn’t afraid to continuously lobby city officials or sue city hall on constitutional grounds, will likely get his wish on a day very near the future. Location: 1527 Washington Avenue, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-534-2000.

Best Place for Live Music: Blues & Rock

Tobacco Road

Boasting the longest running liquor license in Miami-Dade County, and seven nights of live music a week, Tobacco Road stands as Miami’s greatest spot to hide out and feel sorry for yourself. Their live hosting resume lists B.B. King, Koko Taylor and Albert Collins. With dark wood as far as the eye can see, The Road is open until 5 am, and ducks out of sight in a relatively anonymous corner of downtown Miami. Blues fans wouldn’t have it any other way. Lose a game of chess/checkers/ backgammon with a regular or just slap your prosthetic limb up on the bar and order a double. Either way you’ll be feeling sorry for yourself with the best of ’em. Location: 626 S. Miami Ave., Miami Phone: 305-374-1198.

Best Upstairs Lounge

Buck 15

In an environment that feels more like a NYC loft party, Buck 15 has all the pre-requisites you need to make the scene: reasonably priced drinks, happening DJs and good-looking people to talk to until 5 a.m. (You might even catch the “beautifuls” once in a while.) But it’s the extras that set this club apart from the pack: inviting sofas, intriguing art — from the psychedelic stairwell to the ceramic pig — and picture windows overlooking Lincoln Lane at Meridian. If all the dancing or art criticism makes you hungry, there’s dim sum waiting for you downstairs at Miss Yip’s. Location: 707 Lincoln Lane, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-538-3815. Web site: www.buck15.com.

Best Goth Club

Danse Society Fridays & Kitchen Saturdays

Suddenly the door opens and the promoter, Joseph “father of the scene” Bonilla, comes creeping out. Hansel and Gretel are so terribly frightened that they let fall their I.D.’s and $5 cover. The promoter, however, nods his head, and says, “Oh, you dear children, do come in, and stay with me. No harm shall happen to you.” He takes them both by the hand, and leads them into his little goth club. Then good drinks are set before them, free for ladies before 11. Afterwards two pretty little beds are covered with clean white linen, and Hansel and Gretel lay down in them, to get flogged, and think they are in heaven.

The promoter had only pretended to be so kind. He was in reality a wicked witch, who lay in wait for children, and had only built the little goth club out of liquid eyeliner and clove cigarettes in order to entice them there. When Hansel and Gretel came into North Miami Beach, he laughed with malice, and said mockingly, “I have them, they shall not escape me.” Before the children stumbled out of the club at 5 am, he was ready, and when he saw both of them dancing to classic goth, industrial and ’80s and looking so pretty, with their plump and rosy cheeks, he muttered to himself, that will be a dainty mouthful. (On the third Saturday of every month the club is transformed for a monthly dress code fetish event, Darc Karnival, offering BDSM equipment in varying degrees of curiosity as far as the eye can squint.) Location: 17813 Biscayne Blvd, Aventura. Phone: 954-822-6350.

Best Hired Performer Resource

GS Entertainment

OK, you’re throwing a cocktail party celebrating the opening of your condo venture, or your birthday, or the fact that your business hasn’t been crushed by rising costs of living and doing business in today’s 21st century, War on Terror-infected, overpopulated world. But is it enough that you have a live band, fancy platters and lots of booze? Don’t you want acrobats? First the bad news: The performers of Cirque du Soleil are no longer in town and even if they were, they’d be too busy doing dangerous tricks at the Montreal-based circus’ various hard-to-pronounce shows. But you know what, who needs them? Especially when there are plenty of local contortionists, fire eaters and various other dance forms available right here in South Florida. And GS Entertainment has a Rolodex of “high-energy performers and dancers” to hire. Heck, they even have “Wild West trick ropers” as described on GS Entertainment’s Web site, www.giosue-sensation.com.  Need a theme to your shindig? Don’t ya worry, GS Entertainment can help out in that category as well. Location: 1011 Euclid Ave., suite 9, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-534-5176.

Best Name for a Bar

Amendment XXI

Any bar that gets people to refer to the U.S. Constitution is worth a plug in our book. Check out Prohibition Tuesdays and live jazz on Saturdays. Location: 190 NE 46th St., Miami. Phone: 305-571-7200.

Best Place to Hear Live Jazz

Arturo Sandoval Jazz Club

If you have an ear for jazz, Arturo’s Sandoval Jazz Club –repetitive– is the place for you. Directed by award-winning trumpeter Arturo Sandoval, this club hosts top headliners of the genre nightly. Enjoy a fine dining experience and choose from a well-endowed wine list while relaxing to the smooth tunes. In a town that lacks proven jazz venues, this place is crucial. Location: Deauville Beach Resort, 6701 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-403-7565. Web site: www.arturosandovaljazzclub.com 

Best Wanna-Be Band

Fashionista

The guys in Fashionista think they’re really cool. The lead singer, Anthony Fashion, meanders around the South Florida club scene forgetting who you are. The guitarist, Howard Melnick, never returns phone calls. Ry the bassist and George Borghi the keyboardist sometimes dress like dandies and have been known to blog in old English. Too bad for us, they are really cool. Their songs are lyrically moving while still being depressingly catchy. Their 2004 EP “40 Seconds,” and their Poplife/Spiderpussy/IO/Etc. type live schedule always get us all parking in places we really don’t want to. Alas, some say they have a sound somewhere on the map near The Smiths, down the road from Joy Division, and around the corner from My Bloody Valentine. Their new full-length album is pretentiously in “pre-release.” So there. Get ready to worry about your car. Web sites: www.fashionistasound.com,  www.myspace.com/fashionista.

Best Goth Rock Band

The Children of the Plague

Although they can’t offer an alternative description that would fit on this page, the members of The Children of the Plague would hate to be considered “goth.” Granted, when the Official Marilyn Manson Goth Kit went on clearance at Hot Topic it kind of ruined it for all of us. But the team of lead screamer K-La, Nameless on guitars, Mr.e on bass, and Nyne on drums have still managed to grab our beating, bloody hearts right out of our chests and renew our faith in dark rock. Indeed, with the amount of mannequin parts and fake blood they throw around onstage, you have to wonder what to call them too. Thanks to them we are reminded that manic-panic’d vinyl-clad 17-year-old girls actually cannot make “goth” music — it takes a life of anger and pain to do that. Web site: www.myspace.com/thechildrenoftheplague. 

Best Nightlife Alter-Ego

Blowfly

One of Miami’s true cultural gems is called Clarence Reid. Well, that’s when he’s going to church, receiving utility bills or writing hit R&B numbers for artists like Gwen McCrae and Betty Wright. You’ll never see Reid perform though…’cause it’s too much fun for him to don his glittery supervillain outfit and appear as his alter ego Blowfly instead. Reid/Blowfly released the very first rap song way back in 1965 — that’s not a typo — and has been making funny albums every since. In fact he’s got a new one, Blowfly’s Punk Rock Party. According to Blowfly’s management, “We may be playing Churchill’s on August 19 … it will serve as our local CD release party before we hit the road for a month.” The main thrust of his comedy comes from writing dirty parodies of hit songs. (Think Weird Al, but really naughty.) Live performances — everywhere from New Mexico to Hollywood, Calif., to Canada — are an obvious hoot, if you can handle the possibility of becoming the object of Blowfly’s stinger. Web site: www.blowflymusic.com.