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Introduction to the Best of 2006 Hi. Sparky’s the name. OK, it’s my nickname. I don’t give my regular name out in public. Never know who can look up your address and knock on your door. That’s what happened to Boulis, ya know. I mean, you don’t see the owner of Burger King running around talking about Whoppers. Konstantinos “Gus” Boulis, on the other hand, was like, “Hey, I’m Gus Boulis. I own Miami Subs and I own a casino cruise line. Not bad for a Greek immigrant. I don’t even have an American citizenship. Look at me!” And then, bada-bing! The state goes after his ass for owning a gambling cruise line without having a citizenship, he’s forced to sell to Americans who happen to be sleezy lobbyists with mob connections, and poor Gus ends up getting hemmed in on some street in North Miami long enough for a schmo named John Gurino to shoot him up close — close enough to mess up his suit, to paraphrase Sonny from The Godfather. Bada-bing! So I don’t give out my name. Just call myself Sparky when I go to the slots and the poker tables at the Seminole Casino. I’m a professional gambler. Make a living out of it — that and selling items in Pompano that happen to fall off trucks. And maybe some land speculation in Palm Beach. But mostly gambling. Anyway, SunPost gets word about my reputation and my knack for writing (haikus mostly), and the next thing I know I’m enlisted to do intros for their Best Of. They were all like, “Please Mr. Sparky, would you write the introduction for our ‘Best Of’ issue?” And I was like, “I dunno.” And they were like saying, “Pleeeeease. Only you can do it, Sparky. Man, you are a high roller.” And I was like, “OK, I’ll do it for 10 cents a word.” And then they got all quiet. Anyway, I don’t hear from them for a while. Then, I made the mistake of betting five large on the Pistons and, damn their hide, they lost to this pissant team from Miami. (Hey, I don’t want to hear it! I was born in Michigan and I don’t live in Miami. I live in Pompano Beach. Broward is an advanced civilization compared to Miami-Dade County. More on that later.) So, anyway a couple of weeks go by and my bookie is like, “Hey, where’s my friggin’ money?” Pardon my French. And he said, “Look, I don’t want to have to hurt ya.” So, I make a quick deal with the SunPost. Long and short of it, I now have to write five out of six introductory spiels (not doing the the Real Estate advertorial — conflict of interest) for crap money. I mean real crap money. I ain’t even gonna tell you how low. OK, here’s a hint: 4-year-old Malaysian kids make more money making shoes in a factory than I get doing this. But I gotta do this because I don’t know any Southeast Asian-run factories for me to work in around here and my fingers are too fat to work those sewing machines. Anyway, in this issue, the SunPost staff give their picks for high rollers in I browsed through it. Not bad, except they don’t talk much about gambling and, more importantly, why slots should be brought to Miami-Dade County. So I’ll do that. I love to play slots but I can’t for a while ’cause my bookie, Vinnie, found me there once and said, “Oh, what’s this. You got money for slots and you won’t pay your debt?” So, that’s a no go. Anyway, here’s the Best Of. Where’s my money?
Main Cover and Section Covers:
This issue is dedicated to the newest member of the Stark family, Finlay Mae Davidson, born June 23, 2006. And to the entire SunPost staff, who made the paper’s biggest issue ever possible. |