Without knowing what that special feeling feels like, it might not be so easy to understand what really motivates a significant number of straight and gay men and women to dress up in the clothing of the opposite sex. Of course, in Greater Miami Beach, it’s not always so simple to figure out who exactly is the opposite sex. But that’s another column for another time.

The purpose of this week’s column is to urge all good citizens and political activists to please refrain from jumping on the colorful bandwagon that may soon be rolling this way from Missouri via Key West to propose legislation to amend Miami Beach’s Human Rights Ordinance to include a cross-dressing clause. Please.

To steal Commissioner Simon Cruz’s favorite word, realistically, let’s just be thankful that last September’s referendum to repeal a chunk out of the county’s Human Rights Ordinance didn’t pass. If those pinheads of repeal had waged any sort of campaign, they might have prevailed.

So let’s not get carried away with that narrow win. Even if Commissioner Luis Garcia should say, some of my best friends for 40 years are crossovers…uh cross-dressers. It’s a battle at the ballot not worth the time and effort. In today’s world there are enough real issues to deal with, without worrying about matching thick wrists with frilly blouse sleeves

But cross-dressing is now in the mainstream press and headed for national debate, with Miami Beach being considered as the possible media jump off point. This all began with a fourth grade class outing to the Missouri state capitol for a lecture on how the Senate brings forward legislation. As it turned out, one of the parent chaperones was a dad dressed in the clothing of a mom. 

Nothing, of course, that would turn heads. He was dressed as tastefully as any run-of-the-mill Midwest soccer mom. But a number of “Show Me State” parents expressed near-right horror over a man dressed as a woman being allowed to watch over their children during a public school field trip.

One member of the Francis Howell School District Board is proposing a new policy that will forever require parent chaperones to wear “gender-appropriate” clothing for school functions. Upset with that proposal, it now appears the Missouri pro-cross-dressing crowd is considering hooking up with its brethren in Key West to target progressive Miami Beach to kick off its media splash.

Let’s be real. Everyone knows someone who enjoys wrapping themselves up in latex, snapping a cat-o-nine tail at a friendly butt, dripping hot wax, hanging upside down or padlocking their thumbs for enhanced sexual pleasure. As Commissioner Matti Bower might say, I don’t understand, so let’s just put it into a committee.

Back in the eighties when this writer lived in Key West, cross-dressers owned the town. The former mayor of Key West often tended his Duval Street art gallery wearing revealing halter-tops and pedal pushers. And the editor of the Key West Citizen Newspaper received tremendous notoriety for his collection of vintage, gaudy and wobbly high heel shoes worn at numerous public gatherings.

Even a head honcho with the Key West Chamber of Commerce was an incredibly popular post sunset cross-dresser. He loved matching baby blue chiffon with beige cowboy hats and copper tipped stilettos. It was never an issue in Key West and it shouldn’t be here either.

If your under ten you might not understand why some men get their jollies from tucking under in order to fit themselves into a tight thong. And what women do, well, this is still a family newspaper, so just think belts with ravenously proportioned protrusions.

As for such a cross-dressing amendment coming to the commission, well, Mayor David Dermer might say, anything relating to human rights is like an ethics ordinance, hard to vote no. But in this case, mayor, make the exception.

Although interesting and maybe even a little bit of fun, cross-dressing is pretty much a method of getting off. There are some exceptions, of course, like professional drag queen entertainers, but the real motivation with the regular Joe is to arouse oneself for a greater finish. Do we really need a law for that? Miami Beach, however, is ripe and juicy for this type of legislation.

Why Miami Beach? Those savvy proponents of cross-dressing would never bring such a proposed amendment to the Miami-Dade County Commission to consider. Why, Commissioner Javier Souto would call it a plot from Fidel Castro. Even reform-minded commissioners Jimmy Morales and Katy Sorenson would be hard pressed to sponsor any ballot language that would encourage a burly and hairy man to stroll downtown Hialeah wearing a strapless evening gown.

Not that having Miami Beach’s cherubic tourism guru Michael Aller appear on Bill O’Reilly’s “No Spin Zone” once again, this time to explain why of all the cities in the entire world, it has to be us that’s blowing the trumpet for the cross-dressers. Well, maybe more the sound of a goose call.

Can anyone argue that we don’t already have a sufficient number of cross-dressers living and working happily in Greater Miami Beach, particularly up in Aventura? Does anyone really care who shops at Pleasure Emporium to find just the right accessory to compliment the latest purchase at Victoria’s Secret? 

If proponents of cross-dressing should manage to wiggle by the mayor and commission office receptionist and make it down the hall, who would they seek out to sponsor their proposed ballot language? They might think their best shot could be with the two newest commissioners, Saul Gross and Richard Steinberg. Uh, just because they’re new, that is.

So be wary, Saul and Richard. There may be two or three guys from Missouri and Key West wearing the latest in see-through lingerie coming by your office at city hall to lobby you on a cross-dressing amendment to the Human Rights Ordinance. As Little Richard might, tell them to shut up and take it somewhere else.