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Calling Up Billy

A.C. Weinstein

Columnist

ERA: Ringg…ringg…

GMVCB: Good afternoon, this is the Greater Miami Convention and Visitors Bureau, where our new marketing campaign and motto is Miami Fashion.

ERA: Uh…is Billy Talbert there?

GMVCB: He’s in the fitting room. May I tell him whose calling?

ERA: Sure. This is Economic Research Associates. We’ve been retained by the City of Miami Beach to conduct a…

GMVCB: Hold please.

Billy: Hi there, fashion here. Just kidding…hahaha. Listen, I’m in a rush. I’ve got to catch a flight to Acapulco for a connection to Hawaii for a long weekend in Paris to preview the latest in today’s bare belly wear for the trendy traveler. Can we talk next week?

ERA: I just need to clarify a couple of points. It won’t take more than a minute or two.

Billy: Okay, but hurry it up. I’m getting my inseam re-measured to better sell the destination. I sell, you know. 

ERA: We certainly appreciate that, Billy. So what exactly are you selling?

Billy: Our new advertising and marketing program for 2003 is fashion. We believe that our upper end customers in our major markets like New York, Milan and (ahem) Paris will be most enticed to come here for our fashion.

ERA: What about the weather, the beach, the wonderful historic districts, the…

Billy: …Fashion’s the ticket.

ERA: Is that how Miami Beach sees it?

Billy: Well, there was a representative from the city manager’s office…uh…Ramiro something…who sat on the evaluation committee when we presented the concept of fashion to market Miam…uh…the destination, that is. The committee members all judged the different marketing concepts and then weighed them on a point system.

ERA: How many points did Ramiro give to fashion?

Billy: Zero.

ERA: Wait a second. Back up. Miami Beach is your client. It’s their money. How could the client give a zero rating to your fashion campaign and yet your going ahead with…

Billy: …Don’t matter. Our incoming chairman-elect and new spiritual leader, Don Peebles, he’s really big on fashion.

ERA: That’s very interesting.

Billy: In fact, one of our partners, the Beacon Council, just named Don the number one tourism leader in all of Mia..uh.. the destination. And if you did a poll among our members, Don would also be voted the most fashionable businessman.

ERA: Uh, okay. But there is one little matter to clear up. When you sell, do you sell Miami Beach?

Billy: I don’t understand the question.

ERA: Well, the City of Miami Beach retained us to do a study to answer one question. And that’s if your company performs in the best interest of Miami Beach? So when you sell do you sell Miami Beach?

Billy: Is this a trick question?

ERA: The City of Miami Beach gave you ten million dollars on a two-year contract extension to sell Miami Beach. Is that right?

Billy: That’s right. We sell, sell, sell.

ERA: Let’s try it another way. With the ten million dollars the City of Miami Beach has given you to sell the City of Miami Beach as a vacation and convention hot spot, do you actually use the name of Miami Beach in that selling?

Billy: I knew this was a trick question.

ERA: Let’s try it this way. Do you mention Miami Beach in that selling of fashion?

Billy: We say Miami. It’s the same thing.

ERA: Miami is a different city, right?

Billy: Do you think anyone cares or even knows the difference? Miami is Miami Beach and Miami Beach is Miami. It’s all the same. It’s one big fat juicy destination of fashion.  

ERA: If it’s all the same, then why not use Miami Beach to sell the fash…uh…destination?

Billy: Because the City of Miami will fire our ass if we use any other city’s name, that’s why. Every once in a while we do say South Beach, but that’s because we imply that South Beach is a beach in Miami.

ERA: But if it’s all the same as you say, then why not use Miami Beach rather than Miami?

Billy: See, this was a trick question.

ERA: Let’s put it this way, Billy. Since the City of Miami Beach has given your private company ten million Miami Beach tax dollars to sell Miami Beach, don’t you think you should actually mention Miami Beach as being the location for people to visit and vacation?

Billy: Can’t do it.

ERA: Why?

Billy: Our other client, Miami, only wants Miami mentioned. And besides, the vast vista from our new glamour office building on Watson Island just screams Miami. 

ERA: And that’s okay with Miami Beach?

Billy: I don’t understand the question.

ERA: Look, if I were to give you ten million dollars to sell my company, Economics Research Associates, and then you told me that you couldn’t use my company’s name in the selling because another client wouldn’t let you, do you think you would last ten seconds with me?

Billy: Well…uh…between you and me, all we need is four votes on the Miami Beach Commission for us to do or say anything we want. And the way we lobby, we can use that ten million to sell fashion in Orlando and we would still be able to get those four Miami Beach votes.

ERA: Did you ever really explain to the Miami Beach Commission that you can’t use Miami Beach tax dollars to promote Miami Beach?

Billy: Don’t have to. If those commissioners get a little too frisky, our other business partner, the Herald, will spank their little butts.

ERA: Yeah, I read that little editorial last week. It did seem a little odd, particularly when it said…

Billy: …Look, you ever been to Acapulco? I’ve got an extra plane ticket and you can come along to watch me sell this fashion destination to those potential tourists living in Mexico. And then we’ll zip across the pond to Hawaii for the Grass Skirt Fashion Festival and then to Paris where you can watch me set up a visitor information booth near Napoleon’s Palace to hand out fashion brochures to models living on the Left Bank.

ERA: Thanks Billy, but I’ve got this study to do.

Billy: Well, I’ve got to run, pal. My limo is waiting to take me to the airport and I’ve got to make a quick stop at Watson Island to meet with the Don to make sure the entertainment center is being properly installed to allow the view from the champagne bar to take full advantage of the vast vista.

ERA: Just one more question, Billy. About that ten-year, $50 million contract extension you just tried to pull off on the Miami Beach Commission. What was that about? Billy… Billy. Are you there? Billy…Bi…