By Cubby  

IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES AND IT WAS THE WORST OF…: Usually after the chore of writing the Nightlife version of Best of the Beaches I’m ready to spit and write my yearly Worst of the Beaches. After making a list of “Worst” categories I took a walk for inspiration and instead of coming back to my computer armed with a list of negatives I returned realizing that (please forgive the mush) I’m lucky to be living in one of the best places in the world. Even when I’m at my lowest and on the verge of suicide (or feel like killing the rest of the world), a stroll (or bike ride) through the streets of South Beach lifts my spirits and suddenly (please don’t tell anyone) I feel like singing (but thankfully I never do). My publisher likes me to dish a few people and throw mud as often as possible but I usually leave that up to others (although I’ve been known to report the results). In my opinion South Beach is the Best of the Beaches but I still don’t understand the “beach” part. Is there a beach here?

A LITTLE BAD: Okay, so I woke up and was able to spit again and remembered a few things that could be included in a Worst of the Beaches listing. Although South Beach is a great place to bike it’s the Worst Place to Own a Bike (I know, I’ve had 11 stolen). Parking spaces are at a premium in South Beach so it’s the Worst Place to Find A (Legal) Parking Space (Ask Tremont or Beach Towing). Summer sizzles in South Beach so it’s the Worst Place to Live Without Air-Conditioning. Worst Thing to Say to A Doorman: Anything that’s said without a tip. Worst Thing to Say to A Babe (or which ever sex you’re hitting on): Who’s your friend. Worst Thing to Say After a First Date: What’s Your Name (or what’s your friend’s name). Worst Weekend on the Beach: Memorial Day Weekend (if you’re a peace loving local; however the hotels and restaurants rake in the big bucks to the tune of Hip-Hop). Worst Place to Buy an Ice Cream Cone Before Noon: South Beach (Try to find an ice cream store open before noon. Certainly not Haagen Daz, The Frieze, Basken-Robins or any of the gelato stores on Lincoln Road.) Worst Club Experience: City Code Enforcement (Any club who has failed to meet city codes compliances in South Beach is a closed club.) Worst Nightlife Job: Doorman. (JOKE: What’s the difference between a proctologist and a doorman? A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.) Worst Day of the Week: Monday (My SunPost deadline. I’m usually late and consider Tuesday my real deadline.) Worst Place to Stand: Between Drag Diva Elaine Lancaster and a camera. (Elaine Lancaster is one of the most photographed people in South Beach and she’s constantly posing for the camera, so don’t stand in her way. Now I mean that in the nicest way. Elaine happens to be a good friend and I want to keep all my limbs.) Worst Place to Stand at a Club: Outside Waiting to Get In. Worst Club: They’re all fabulous (ask me later). Worst Club Owner: See Previous Answer. Worst Party of the Year: Don’t ask me, I wasn’t there. Worst Promoter: Ask any promoter, they’ll tell you. Worst Greeting: You’re Under Arrest. Worst Way to End an Evening: See Previous Answer.

BEACH BUZZ: Lil’ Kim performs at LEVEL on July 16^th. Promoter Michael Tronn (Crobar/Flute) also happens to be an artist with an upcoming exhibition titled “33.1:

 Insitions” at the Diaspora Vibe Gallery (139 N.E. 39^th  Street) beginning Friday July 11^th. Edison Farrell (Martini Tuesdays) hosts a new weekly Friday night party at Jade called Euphoria. On July 9^th Bobby McFerrin will be conducting and performing with Chamber Orchestra of Hope on Wednesday, July 9^th at UM Gusman Concert Hall in a benefit for University of Miami School of Law's H.O.P.E  Project (Helping

Others through Pro Bono Efforts), Friends of Chamber Music Miami and the Miami