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Labor Day Guide 

“Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.”

That line was supposedly uttered by a Trojan called Lacoon in the Iliad who didn’t quite buy the whole, “Gee we give up, here’s a giant wooden horse,” the Greeks were selling.  Yet, no sooner had he said this when a giant mutant sea-snake gulped him and his sons up. So the Trojans took the horse in, had a big party, and ended up getting slaughtered by the Greeks. Definitely one of your more happy myth epics. 

Now, thousands of years later, college fraternities all over the country honor these hardy horse building people by giving their club Greek names that only Greeks know. Why, do they do that? Well, this Labor Day Weekend you can ask them because Miami is going to be the site for Greek Week. Yes, this place is going to be crawling with young frat adults intent on spending all of their money—and their parents’ as well. And, in honor of the civilization extinguished by the Ancient Greeks, many of them will be carrying Trojan condoms. 

But that isn’t all that’s happening. In honor of the Latin Grammys finally gracing us with their presence, there will be a series of Latin Grammy parties held all over the county.  And, because no one wants to drive all the way to Homestead, there will be plenty of Caribbean Carnival events in Miami and Miami Beach as well.

So, as a public service to our locals who just want to stay home and for the thousands of expected visitors we decided to put out our Labor Day Guide. Want to dine out?  Check out our massive Restaurants section. Want a drink? Browse through Bars and Clubs for options on where to kill your brain cells. Want to fix your hair? Pamper yourself?  Feeling a tad sick? Flip through the Health and Beauty listings. And, as a bonus, the Labor Day Guide has a Miscellaneous section where we list various important businesses (Cough! Advertisers!) who don’t quite fit in to any of the above sections.

Yes, we know the Ancient Greeks are known for many things: theatre, philosophy, democracy, the Olympics, etc. And this Labor Day Weekend we should definitely think about that as we get sunburned on the sandy beaches, dine in the local restaurants, get drunk at the local bars or have sex with some beautiful person we have just met. Trojans, Smojans… Who cares? Sea-monsters kept eating them anyway. 

Compiled and edited by Eppie Vega, Marissa Hight, Erik Bojnansky, Tony Guzman

Art production by Simone Fong, Gabriel Murrieta

Sales by Marc Kulwin, Peter Roth, Gus Moris, Jessica Henson, Clay Hamilton

Created by Andrew Stark