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Made for TV
Will NYC’s Major
Case Squad Find ‘Criminal Intent’ at Miami City Hall?
You remember, Hank, don’t you Mr. Mayor? He’s
representing those [bleep]s who are trying to [bleep] us
up the [bleep].
Satire by
Erik Bojnansky
Serious-Sounding Narrator:
In New York
City’s war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are
pursued by the detectives of the Major Case Squad.
But
recently, the Major Case Squad was loaned out to the
Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office as it investigates why
the city of Miami gave $7 million to just seven plaintiffs
to settle a class action lawsuit. This is their story.
[Doink!
Doink! Balcony of Miami City Hall, 2004. Dramatic
canned music plays in the background as Miami City Manager
Joe Arriola runs up to Miami Mayor Manny Diaz, who is
staring off into the distance.]
City
Manager Joe Arriola:
Coño, Mr. Mayor! The city attorney’s office just informed me
we are about to get [bleep]ed up the [bleep] by this fire
fee suit. We’re talkin’ tens of millions of [bleep]ing
dollars here!
Mayor Manny
Diaz
[watching a flock of birds]: Uh-huh.
Arriola:
We’re going to try reaching out to Adorno, see if we can
settle this and control the [bleep]ing damage.
Diaz:
OK.
Young
Suit-Wearing Man:
Excuse me, Mr. Mayor we have to go or we’ll be late for your
latest honors from the Greater Miami Chamber of Commerce and
the Florida FTAA.
Diaz:
OK.
[Next
scene. Dramatic music still plays in the background.
Attorney Henry “Hank” Adorno is on a cell phone while
getting a massage.]
Hank Adorno:
You know, Joe, your city charged an illegal fee and we can
get as much as $70 million from Miami. Your city will be so
poor, your police officers will have to double as
rent-a-cops for Aventura Mall and Indian Creek Country Club
just to make ends meet.
[Loud
babbling comes from the cell phone.]
Adorno:
But hey, Joey — tell ya what. I think my clients are willing
to settle for $7 million. Let’s do lunch! [Pause] OK,
breakfast then. Tomorrow at that place you like so much.
Bring the mayor. Go Miami Marlins!
[Next
scene. Canned music continues. At the Latin American
Cafeteria.]
Continued |
