Craig’s World
Beyond Sight and Sound, You Have Entered The Internet Zone

“I have two clients – who are two of the richest men in Miami – and are looking for an executive assistant who is not afraid to use her sexuality and appearance to get clients to sign contracts.”

By Rebecca Wakefield
Columnist

The Internet is not necessarily the best way to monitor sociological trends in Miami because so much of the population lives, works and plays off the grid, so to speak. But that’s slowly changing. Even now, it’s fascinating to delve into the psyche of a place through what gets posted to a free classifieds Web site like craigslist (http://miami.craigslist.org/).

It’s a little like scanning newspaper classifieds, except the Internet works in even more mysterious ways – attracting a wider range of needs, confessions, rants and ironic behavior. Craigslist confirms a lot of what you think about humankind in general and Miami in particular.

It's just mindless, addictive fun. Have a look. These excerpts are offered as is, in all their non-standard-English glory.

ACT NOW!

Strip Searched at County Jail? Then the County Owes You Money!

The Pitch:

 If you are a female and were strip searched illegally at the Miami-Dade Pre-Trial Detention Center between March 5, 2000 and February 28, 2005, you are entitled to a settlement award. Most settlement awards are for at least $1,000. Please contact us for details on how to receive a claim form, or just go to www.miamistripsearch.com for claim forms in English, Spanish, & Creole.

Motivational Trainer/Wish Manifester, get anything or become anything

The Pitch:

Im willing to train you in the most advanced personal achievment techniques, knowledge and systems. Will teach how to achieve any goal or wish, how to influence anyone, get mopre charisma, magnetic attraction, anti aging, health, fitness, business, fame, fortune, whatever it may be I can give you the advanced courses and technology to make it happen. Will train you and help you achieve those goals very quickly, Will barter for a room where i can rent for 150-200 a month, or a free room, or a place where I can sleep (anywhere) im not picky

Barter for bikinis

The Pitch:

I'm looking to barter/pay cost for female swimsuits, bikini preferred. Looking for a variety of colors and styles in small and medium sizes. I am part of a group that needs at least 50 bikinis, but will do deals for batches as small as 5-10. In exchange as barter, we can offer you legal services (skilled corporate attorney who can handle anything with business), discount on real estate commission (one of us is a real estate broker), or temporary office space in the Penthouse of a Class A skyscraper downtown.

LOVE & MARRIAGE

South Beach encounter with perfection!!

The Pitch:

I was driving down 11st Tues. and saw the most beautiful most attractive women that I've ever seen!! Make a long story short... we said by to each other as you entered your fiance's Porsche! We belong together write me soon.

Barracuda’s

The Pitch:

You were with your cousin who was playing beer pong. I was playing against him, short dude, wearing glasses and a hawaiian shirt and glasses. You had an incredible smile and eyes, which I cannot forget.

Twist On Sunday- You are Venezuelan- I lost you

The Pitch:

We made eye contact...you were with friends...walked around abit...our hands touched...our bodies pressed...we finally started to talk...u told me you were from Venezuela, I told you I was cuban...u introduced me to your friend...said you would be right back and kissed me. I lost you... couldn't find you again. If this sounds familiar hit me up with an email. You made quite an impression. I wanna see you again.

American Girl !! Do you need me?

The Pitch:

 I am a young American girl. I am down to earth, funloving, sweet, and cute too.... I love men from around the world. So if you need some papers, and also want a good friend ( and you can provide a comfortable lifestyle for me)... we are meant for each other. I need some help..I am not usually the type to ask for help, but school is getting expensive, and I am way to inrelligent to miss out because of finances. I have a very positive outlook on life, and love to travel. All I would require is that you are financially secure, and not seeking a prostitute, b/c I am not that. Maybe someone from your family needs to be able to come here to start a buisness??? If we have a mutual attraction well than that is a plus +++++ . If you can help me, than I would love to help you as well. I am in my early twenties, with light eyes, and long beautiful hair. I am caring, and very driven in my life. You will not be dissapointed....So lets see what happens.....contact me!!!

Very Attractive canadian 26, seeks US woman for marriage

The Pitch:

I am a young Canadian caucasian male 26 with model type good looks, in incredible shape who seeks a women of US citizen for marriage to be able to get my green card or citizenship. I have a very good profile, work in the fitness industry as a personal trainer and am looking to get a permenent residency in the US to open up a new business in the fitness industry. If you are a female between the ages of 18 to 35 and want to make some extra money $$$$ while helping someone out please e-mail me and include a pic of you with a slight description of yourself. PS: In return you would also get to receive a Canadian passport as well which is a great thing to have these days.

GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT

High Paying Position for a very good looking Executive Assistant

The Pitch:

 I have two clients - who are two of the richest men in Miami - and are involved in real estate, film and fashion are looking for an executive assistant - who is not afraid to use her sexuality and appearance to get clients to sign contracts. The Executive Assistant would run the companies networking and client handling and would manage relationships with other executives of a very high level. A photo must accompany a resume for consideration.

Handsome Executive Looking for Playmate

The Pitch:

 I am a busy executive with no time for a relationship but in need of regular sex. I am looking for a sexy female between the ages of 20 and 35 willing to have sex with me two nights per week. In return, I will pay your rent and (reasonable) living expenses. I am 6'1", 185lbs, clean-cut and in-shape. I'm a normal, D/D free guy with some un-met needs. If interested, please send me an email telling me about yourself. Also, please send a full-body photo (nude not required - but appreciated). I will send photos and contact info to those I am interested in meeting. Regards, John
 

I need a straight up thug

The Pitch:

I need a straight up thug who has no fear of much of anything to do some shady business for me. Don't worry you will be compensated. All the better if you can swim and know a bit about water craft. E-mail me and I will tell you what I want and you tell me if you have the balls and the know how. Don't worry this is almost completely on the up and up!

2 male dwarfs needed immediately for student advertising work.

The Pitch:

We are looking to find two male dwarfs to photograph for a student advertisement campaign. The photographs would not be of sexual or pornographic nature. As we are students, we have very limited budgets (50 dollars each for one hours work).

HATERS

Wanting to live in Hialeah?

The Rant:

I don't think anyone in their right mind would want to live in Hialeah. The place is the pits. However, do a little research and you'll see the property values in Hialeah are skyrocketting (sp?). Makes no sense to me. Is it because there are enough fools out there that actually want to live there or is it just some idiot appraisers making up these values for their brother/sister/mother/uncle/etc in the mortgage company?

This place sucks

The Rant:

Wow, does Miami ever suck! I can't believe that people think (or act) like it's actually cool to live here. This is absolutely the worse place I've ever lived. The people suck (mostly BMW driving assholes or ignorant and low-class idiots); the place itself sucks (heat and the ugliest architectuer I've ever laid eyes on). How do you people do it? How do you remain in this boring, ignorant shithole? Lord, I can't wait to leave in a few months (oh, thanks you, thank you, thank you!).

Comments? E-mail wakefield@miamisunpost.com.