Jesus H. Christ!

Christian purists will be happy, but that doesn’t change the Hallmark feeling that dominates every scene.

By Dan Hudak

For a movie 2,006 years in the making, The Nativity Story is unforgivably dull.

Granted, the birth of Jesus Christ isn’t a very glitzy story to begin with, but it doesn’t help that director Catherine Hardwicke (Thirteen) sticks to the Sunday school interpretation as if she had a Bible glued to her chest. The Jesus Camp crowd may think the film is a wonderful way to welcome Christmas season, but there’s not much here for the rest of us.

Hardwicke’s film begins one year before (arguably) the most famous birth in history. We meet Mary (Keisha Castle-Hughes), an innocent teenager in the town of Nazareth whose father (Shaun Toub) tells her she’s to marry Joseph (Oscar Isaac), a local carpenter. Dismayed, she accepts her role until she’s visited by the angel Gabriel (Alexander Siddig), who tells her she will become impregnated by the Holy Spirit and give birth to the Son of God. (Note: This is not the “Immaculate Conception,” as it’s often mistaken to be. The Immaculate Conception is actually the birth of Mary, and her soul being “cleansed” of the sins of mankind by God. The conception of Jesus in the womb of Mary and his birth are actually known as the “Virgin Birth.”)

As Mary visits her cousin Elizabeth (Shohreh Aghdashloo), a prophesy foretelling the coming of the Messiah captivates the interest of the power-hungry King Herod (Ciarán Hinds), who has dispatched his men to kill all newborn children. Three wise men — Melchior (Nadim Sawalha), Balthasar (Eriq Ebouaney) and Gaspar (Stefan Kalipha) —  also hear of the prophesy, and follow a star to the birth in Bethlehem; the wise men here may better be described as wise guys, as they delightfully provide the only comic relief.

Christian purists will be happy Hardwicke and writer Mike Rich are loyal to the Biblical rendition of the Nativity story, but that doesn’t change the Hallmark feeling that dominates every scene. Everything that in another (better) movie would be taken further feels restrained here, as if any extremity of emotion would scare people away.

For example, it’s clear that Herod is a ruthless king who will stop at nothing to maintain power, including murdering his son Antipas (Alessandro Giuggioli). But his brutality is always just implied, never shown. This is not to say we need to see people beheaded, but it does necessitate at least showing the aftermath of his decisions. To merely suggest this cruelty but not show it directly undermines any real danger Jesus may be in, and as a consequence the viewer is left feeling indifferent rather than inspired.

A greater problem, however, is that the movie is boring and lacks energy. With nothing dynamic happening it’s difficult to become involved in the story, which is made worse by the fact that the large majority of the audience already knows the ending.

With all the gift-giving and commercialism that has taken over the Christmas season, it’s nice to be reminded of what we’re actually celebrating every Dec. 25. But blasphemous as it may be to say, The Nativity Story is a livestock-dying, locust-swarming nightmare that isn’t even good enough to capitalize on its timely release date. Happy birthday, Jesus — you deserve better.

Comments? E-mail dhudak22@yahoo.com.

The Nativity Story *1/2

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke. Written by Mike Rich. Starring Keisha Castle-Hughes, Oscar Isaac, Shaun Toub, Ciarán Hinds, Shohreh Aghdashloo. Rated PG.

**** A genuine must-see

***  Entertaining

**   Mediocre but not worthless

*    A wretched waste of time

Also opening in Miami-Dade County this Friday: National Lampoon’s Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj, Turistas.

FILM CAPSULES

By Dan Hudak

Deck the Halls *

(Matthew Broderick, Danny DeVito, Kristin Davis) Steven Finch’s (Broderick) status as “the Christmas guy” in his small Massachusetts town is challenged by new neighbor Buddy Hall (DeVito), an irrational jerk who’s trying to have his house seen from outer space. An unhealthy and unfunny competition ensues between the two, the likes of which is not even childish enough to be amusing. This is no Surviving Christmas (remember that Ben Affleck bomb?), but it does leave you with a lingering feeling of contempt. Rated PG.

For Your Consideration **

(Catherine O’Hara, Parker Posey, Eugene Levy) As the production of a World War II melodrama entitled “Home for Purim” begins to generate awards buzz, everyone from the ditzy producer (Jennifer Coolidge) to the clueless agent (Levy) is overcome with Oscar hysteria. The film has it moments, but co-writers Levy and Christopher Guest have led their company down much funnier paths (Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show), and never quite find a rhythm here. Anyone with high expectations will be substantially disappointed. Rated PG-13.

Bobby ****

(Martin Sheen, Helen Hunt, Anthony Hopkins) The goings-on at the Ambassador Hotel on June 4, 1968 — the day Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated — is the subject of writer/director Emilio Estevez’s touching and nostalgic look at this era in American history. By focusing on the people and only showing Kennedy’s face through archival footage, Estevez allows the beliefs that Kennedy stood for to resonate with the hope for a peaceful, prosperous America. Rated R.

The Fountain *

(Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz, Ellen Burstyn) From the director of Requiem for a Dream comes a story about eternal love, a mysterious fountain of youth, and a monkey with a brain tumor. Jackman and Weisz play lovers whose bond lasts for more than 1,000 years, but is never a happy one. For the first half hour absolutely nothing makes sense. For the next hour things take a vague shape, but you’ve stopped caring long ago and are just hoping for something interesting to happen. It doesn’t, so for the last six minutes of the 96-minute movie you desperately yearn for the credits to roll and end your misery. Rated PG-13.

Déjà Vu ***1/2

(Denzel Washington, Paula Patton, James Caviezel) After a devastating bomb kills hundreds of innocents on a New Orleans ferry, ATF (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives) agent Doug Carlin (Washington) investigates. With the help of federal agents, his starts by tracing the actions of a dead woman (Patton) prior to the explosion, and becomes smitten with her in the process. He then learns he may be able to travel back in time to save her. Trust me, you’ve never seen a movie like this before. Between director Tony Scott’s thrilling visuals, Washington’s stellar performance and a wonderfully intriguing script by Bill Marsilii and Terry Rossio, this is a very fun movie that’ll keep you guessing. Rated PG-13.

Happy Feet **

(Elijah Wood, Robin Williams, Nicole Kidman) Poor, poor Mumble (Wood). Although his parents (Kidman and Hugh Jackman) found one another through song, as all Emperor penguins do, he has a terrible singing voice and is shunned by his peers. Mumble’s musical prowess instead lies in tap dancing, which isn’t acceptable until he meets Ramon (Williams) and his four friends. There’s a little too much ecological concern for a movie that’s ostensibly a silly good time, though some impressive visual sequences and fine voice work make it tolerable. Rated PG.

Casino Royale **1/2

(Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Judi Dench) On James Bond’s (Craig) first mission, he must stop a banker named Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen) from winning a poker tournament that would allow him to continue to finance terrorism all over the world. Craig has re-invented Bond with less charisma and more grittiness, making him more human (and effective) than his predecessors. His success aside, the film is unreasonably long at 144 minutes, and becomes quite tiring to sit through. Rated PG-13.

Fast Food Nation ***1/2

(Greg Kinnear, Bruce Willis, Paul Dano) Director Richard Linklater has taken a fictional twist to Eric Schlosser’s book about the fast food industry, but hasn’t lost any of its zest. The industry is dissected on every level, from the naïve cashier just trying to pay her bills to the illegal immigrants working for below minimum wage in a meat factory to the highly-paid corporate execs and everywhere in between. When the environmental, social and political consequences are thrown in for good measure, we begin to see just how alarming, shocking and, we fear most of all, truthful the film aspires to be. Think of it as Traffic for the fast food industry. Rated R.

Little Children **

(Kate Winslet, Patrick Wilson, Jennifer Connelly) Bored suburban domestics (Winslet and Wilson) are ignited at the thought of a forbidden affair, and resist temptation for as long as they can. Based on the novel by Tom Perrotta, the film has an unnecessary third person narration that distracts from the seemingly innocuous boredom of these people’s lives. Much credit to Winslet and Wilson for taking the daring roles, and for the brave ending, but on the whole the film lacks style and is too slow. Rated R.

Harsh Times **1/2

(Christian Bale, Freddy Rodriguez, Eva Longoria) Former Army Ranger Jim Davis (Bale) and his best friend Mike (Rodriguez) blow off job hunting to drink, smoke weed and chase women. As Jim’s psychotic episodes grow worse and Mike’s girlfriend (Longoria) badgers him to find a job, the friends spiral down a path of destruction and despair. Bale plays Jim with a scary ferocity that’s more unleashed than his disturbed portrayal of Patrick Bateman in “American Psycho.” Writer/director David Ayer’s (writer of Training Day”) film matches this energy, which ironically makes it a little too discomforting to be enjoyed. Rated R.

A Good Year *1/2

(Russell Crowe, Albert Finney, Freddie Highmore) London-based bonds trader Max Skinner (Crowe) inherits his uncle’s (Finney) vineyard in southern France, and unexpectedly falls in love with the place — and a local waitress — upon visiting. It’s hard to believe that Crowe and director Ridley Scott (“Gladiator”) would make such a sappy and hapless picture, but given that seeing is believing, go only if you’re interested in watching very talented artists fail miserably. Rated PG-13.

Babel ***

(Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, Gael García Bernal) Four storylines from different parts of the world intersect in director Alejandro Gonzalez Iñarritu and writer Guillermo Arriaga’s third collaboration after Amores Perros and 21 Grams. This time the pair don’t reach the same emotional heights, but the film is a triumph of editing and acting, particularly Pitt as a desperate husband and Adriana Barraza as Amelia, Pitt’s babysitter who foolishly takes his two children into Mexico for her son’s wedding. Kudos also go to Rinko Kikuchi as a deaf-mute teenage girl in Japan who wants nothing more than to be accepted. In the end, though, it’s hard to tell where the concurrent happenstance ends and anything meaningful begins. This is a sublime work of art signifying nothing but chance, coincidence and horrible luck. Rated R.

Stranger Than Fiction **

(Will Ferrell, Dustin Hoffman, Emma Thompson) Harold Crick (Ferrell) is a straight-laced IRS auditor who keeps hearing a strange woman’s voice in his head. For help he turns to a literature professor (Hoffman) who helps him discern that the woman’s voice is that of novelist Karen Eiffel, a reclusive writer who always kills off her leading men. Tension abounds as Harold learns he’s a character in her latest novel and must fight to stay alive. This is an example of a cool idea getting lost in its own cleverness. Sure, it’s fun to watch fiction melded with reality, but given that the movie ostensibly takes place in the real world there’s too much implausibility for it to gel. To his credit, Ferrell is very restrained as the beleaguered Crick, and the dramatic performance shows that he’s capable of more than the silliness of Talladega Nights. Rated PG-13.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan ***1/2

(Sacha Baron Cohen, Ken Davitian, Pamela Anderson) A television reporter from Kazakhstan named Borat Sagdiyev (Cohen) tours the U.S. in an effort to learn values and customs that can improve his native country. According to him there are three main problems in Kazakhstan: “economic, social and Jew.” Anti-Semitism is just one of the many offenses Cohen and director Larry Charles (“Curb Your Enthusiasm”) commit in this riotously-funny movie. There is no ethnicity, race, gender, sexual orientation or religious belief at which Borat doesn’t poke at least a little fun, and every time he does it it’s funnier than the last. Rated R.

Running with Scissors ***

(Annette Bening, Alec Baldwin, Joseph Cross) Before the age of 15, Augusten Burroughs (Cross) learns he’s gay, has a legitimately crazy mother (Bening) and alcoholic father (Baldwin), is sexually abused by a 35 year-old man and is sent to live with his mother’s shrink. There’s a strong sense of “this couldn’t possibly happen to one person” as the black comedy plays out, but Cross’ vulnerability as Burroughs keeps us interested enough in the main story while the impressive cast (which also includes Brian Cox, Evan Rachel Wood, Joseph Fiennes, Jill Clayburgh and Gwyneth Paltrow) overacts and entertains. Based on the 2002 bestseller written by Burroughs. Rated R.

Catch a Fire ***

(Derek Luke, Tim Robbins, Bonnie Henna) Set to the backdrop of South African apartheid in the early 1908s, the story follows Patrick Chamusso (Luke) as he’s wrongly accused of a terrorist bombing by Nic Vos (Robbins), a government agent in charge of fighting terrorism. Upset and appalled at the way he’s treated, Chamusso decides to take matters into his own hands, with deadly consequences. Derek Luke gives the performance of his career as Chamusso, and likable and charismatic man whose life is torn apart by apartheid. As for the film, it’s very well made by political thriller aficionado Phillip Noyce (The Quiet American), but fails to find true relevance to the political issues of today. Rated PG-13.

Flags of Our Fathers ***

(Ryan Phillippe, Adam Beach, Jesse Bradford) We’ve all seen the famous photograph of six Marines raising an American flag in Iwo Jima during World War II. This film, based on the book by James Bradley and Ron Powers, depicts what happened to those six men immediately before, during and after the war. This is a relatively large-scale picture for director Clint Eastwood, who usually takes a minimalist approach to his projects. Although he’s done a wonderful job, a jumpy timeline stagnates the otherwise compelling, powerful war drama. Rated R.

The Prestige **

(Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Michael Caine) After the unfortunate death of his wife (played by Piper Perabo), Robert Angier (Jackman) develops a personal vendetta against fellow magician Alfred Borden (Bale), whom he blames for his wife’s death. This is an interesting premise that has the perfect gloomy atmosphere needed for late 1800s London, but you quickly get the impression that director Christopher Nolan (Memento, Batman Begins) is trying so hard to be clever and unpredictable that he forgot to tell a good story. Rated PG-13.

Marie Antoinette *

(Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzman, Rip Torn) Writer/director Sofia Coppola tells the “good parts” version of the life of Marie Antoinette, who as a teenager in 1768 was sent from her native Austria to France and marries the man who would become King Louis XVI. The sets and costumes are fun, but the film is excruciatingly slow and makes 123 minutes feel like 180. This movie is as bad as Coppola’s performance in The Godfather: Part III. Rated PG-13.