Basel Recovery
in Three Easy Steps

Fashion suicide is apparently painless.

Artwork, singed by “Barnes,” found in the middle of the walkway near an adjacent gallery. Photo by Margaret Griffis

By Ryan Brown and Angie Hargot

After being immersed in a world of sequined skulls, painted pregnant women and turtles made of shoes, it can be hard to readjust to everyday, non-Art-Basel life.

You may feel out of place, unable to fit into a world in which a plastic bag with tape on it is not worth $50,000, but is rather just considered “trash,” and is not mounted on a wall but is instead “thrown away.”

This type of alienation may lead to the condition commonly referred to as “Post-Basel Stress Disorder.”

Little research has been done on this elusive disorder, until now.

Illustration by Moshe Franco
The SunPost has spent more than six hours and literally tens of dollars researching the many facets of PBSD, and what follows is the fruit of that research, your guide to diagnoses and treatment of the condition.

STEP ONE:
SPOTTING THE SYMPTOMS

“I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.” — Andy Warhol

The best way to determine whether or not you have PBSD is to look — into your clothes closet. The following wardrobe choices may be signs of PBSD:

• The wearing of any scarf or scarves in Florida in 70-degree weather

• The wearing of horn-rimmed glasses and white suit when bald

• The wearing of white shoes when bald and in horn-rimmed glasses

• The wearing of horn-rimmed glasses

• The wearing of large, furry boots (specific to women)

• The wearing of a Members Only jacket in a way that insists you know you have willfully chosen to wear a Members Only jacket

• The wearing of a suit with a pair of Converse sneakers or high-tops

Symptoms are not limited to dress. They may also include erratic behavior such as:

• Calling a pair of your shoes lying on the floor “an installation”

• Making your friends watch Number Eleven, which is a looped videotape of yourself eating cereal in an elevator

• Only being able to sleep in a giant egg filled with gelatin

STEP TWO: ACCEPTANCE

“Believe it or not, I can actually draw.”
— Jean Michel Basquiat

The road to curing PBSD is acceptance. Accept the fact that:

• You spent your savings on a Boetti painting but do not know who Boetti is.

• The Miami Beach Convention Center will no longer contain beautiful works of art, but rather a franchise expo, a cheerleading competition and an Internet dating convention. (Actually Art Miami 2007 will take place at the convention center on Jan. 4.)

• You did not see Keanu Reeves at the Delano, despite the fact that, somehow, everyone else in Miami did.

STEP THREE: TREATMENT

The following are the classic treatments for any art-related disorder, including PBSD:

• The Warhol: This treatment includes wearing wigs, hanging out with Mick Jagger and filming the Empire State Building for six hours.

• The Pollock: Includes drinking a lot, being depressed and occasionally painting.

• The M.C. Escher: Includes going up steps sideways and then walking into a door that is also sideways, but is actually not sideways because the rest of the doors are actually the ones that are sideways

Another effective way to treat PBSD is to remind yourself that when Art Basel is over, it does not mean art itself is over.

This disorder is rooted in the separation anxiety of art and audience, the “I and it” relationship that sometimes develops into feelings of abandonment, and like all dysfunctional relationships, must be dealt with before it gets out of control.

Remember, art is not on the walls of the convention center or the Delano, but is rather in your own eyes.

“The best reason to paint is that there is no reason to paint.... Nothing is important ... so everything is important.” — Keith Haring

ACCESSORIES TO ART BASEL

The Bald Guy With Glasses in an All-Black Suit: He’s smart. He’s classy. He’s aging rapidly. Where else would he be but Art Basel?

The Green Shoes (Alternate – Orange Shoes): In a word – supergalactic.

White Shoes (Alternate – Belts): If Art Basel was a war, white shoes would be combat boots.

The Jaunty Lid: The Radar hat could be making a comeback. Fashion suicide is apparently painless.

The Artist Dragging Bok-Choy Around as a Pet. On a Chain. Like a Tiny Dog: Major Godot points for this one, and probably the most interesting art project we saw (besides “cigarette pack on a string,” of course). And we thought tiny dogs as fashion accessories were absurd.The Orange Pants: According to a recent SunPost study, only two people in the city still wear orange pants, including former ravers. Both were at Art Basel Miami Beach.

The Karen O Haircut: If you don’t know who Karen O is, chances are you will walk out of your next salon visit with her haircut. Seems a lot of people don’t know who she is, or like her way too much.

The Molly Ringwald: Complemented beautifully by the Karen O haircut, this ensemble is characterized by striped off-the-shoulder shirts worn with a low-slung belt, leggings of some sort and ballet slipper-style flats.

The Better-Off-Dead Ski Suit: Understandable. Seventy degrees is, like, freezing.

The Eighties Workout-Craze Gym Clothes Getup: Complete with terry cloth headband and wristbands, vintage T shirt, Dolphin shorts, aviator sunglasses (at night in a darkened brewery) and Converse, this outfit is usually seen shadowboxing in a corner. Alone. Very alone.

The Most Welcome Trend of a Long Basel Evening: The flannel-shirted taxi driver. Poor bastard. He had to listen to this column the whole inebriated (ours, not his) ride home, all while talking on his cell phone and screaming at other drivers. The column idea seemed much funnier then.