New Year’s Eve Guide 2007

A Roadmap to Debauchery,
Gluttony, Lust and Intoxication

Hey! Didja know? New Year’s Eve is coming.

We felt we should remind you as you are probably knee-deep in a last-minute holiday shopping spree. We are willing to gamble that you have been so swamped at work that you’ve been putting off your obligation to the system, finding gifts for loved ones, friends, distant relatives and Secret Santa assignments. Or maybe work isn’t to blame? Maybe you are just too lazy to go to the mall? Maybe you are just broke at the moment?

Or perhaps you are a Scrooge? You’ve got plenty of money but are hiding it away for some reason and tempting anger from capitalist spiritual forces. If so, you’ll get yours. You will receive a visitation from dead people in the form of The Ghost of Holiday Season Past, The Ghost of Holiday Season Present and The Ghost of Holiday Season Future. And they will show you how you made bad decisions in your life, how everyone really can’t stand you, and how you are going to spend eternity in a cheap coffin when you die. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Then again, maybe you aren’t a last-minute-holiday-season-shopping type. Maybe you are one of those folks who commenced shopping the day after Thanksgiving, when stores lure customers with sales from 4:30 a.m. to 9 a.m. And from there you kept on shopping — crossing off everyone on your list, including gifts for friendly acquaintances, by Dec. 10.

Either way, the SunPost New Year’s Eve Guide is for you. For those who plan ahead we offer a list of parties, activities and dinner engagements throughout South Florida. And for those who procrastinate — let this be a friendly reminder that time is running out if you want to invest in that VIP table at that party where celebrities and famous-types will surely show up. Who knows? Wait too long and you’ll end up in front of a television set all alone, feeling like a loser, while watching cheesy TV broadcasts of intoxicated people having a good time.

And for the Scrooges (or those who really are broke) — well, you can compare prices. Believe it or not, not every event out there requires $300 to get in the door. You can find a place where you can enjoy the coming of 2007 without spending a fortune, thus enabling you to shake off the effects of your visitation by dead people or annoying creditors with economic ease.

So don’t let the immature and trivial tone of this introduction turn you off. And don’t get too bogged down in holiday-season-shopping heck. Flip through the SunPost’s New Year’s Eve Guide. Find out what’s out there. Have fun. And if you start seeing dead people while in the midst of your New Year’s Eve revelry, buy them a drink!

— Introduction by Erik Bojnansky

— Compiled by Angie Hargot, Erik Bojnansky and Robin Shear.

Continued