By
Kris Conesa
March is over, and I don’t know about
you, but I’m pooped. Aren’t we all just done dealing with
spring break traffic or debating philosophical treatises
with South Beach door monkeys? I don’t think I even have to
mention the self-destructive tendencies associated with
WMC. Yes, I believe we are, officially, so over
it. This is the time of year, just before summer, that’s
just for us. Fuck the tourists, fuck the snowbirds and let’s
do what makes us happy. This week I purposely avoided
anything that had to do with glitterati and instead focused
on the local destinations that always come through for me …
the loyal, yet underappreciated locations that may lack in
celeb sightings, but nonetheless deliver the goods by
habitually leaving patrons with a smile and maybe even some
leftover scratch in their pockets. There are a few of these
places, but four immediately come to mind.
On Top of the World
There can be no better pre-party destination than the
Rooftop Lounge at the Townhouse Hotel. It’s an
intimate gathering of bohemian professionals, if such an
amalgamation truly existed. Orange waterbeds lie on a hard
wood deck and allow for an increase in excitement levels as
the alcohol slowly seeps in and a gorgeous water-trimmed
cityscape makes itself known. Partying on a rooftop has its
advantages, not the least of which is the seductiveness of
elevated dancers against a moonlit background. The two major
events there are Friday night’s Hooked on House party
and Saturday’s Retro Mix. Both are the brainchild of
26-year-old promoter/business manager Chris Chrebet,
a New Jersey transplant who’s as cool as a cucumber and has
the stories to back it up.
“We
were talking about spending two days in every major city
going down the East Coast and then all of sudden, just like
that, we were packing the car. We had $200, a tent, some
water and a bunch of power bars,” said Chrebet, recalling
his initial calling to the 305. He added, “We ended up
spending all our time here. We never made it anywhere else,
and the rest is history.”
Now,
just because this no-cover venue is an unpretentious piece
of heaven doesn’t mean it’s unlikely to attract A-list
guests. Ricky Martin, Enrique Iglesias and the
lovely Anna Kournikova have all been sighted lounging
on the Rooftop love beds. If there is a downside to
this place, it’s that last call is around 2 a.m., but that’s
when it’s off to one of the remaining three on the list.
|
The addition of
quality DJs like Stryke, Nova, Bobi and a whole host
of others makes this place a break-dancing boy’s
paradise. |
Don’t Forget the Fabric Softener
There’s only one place in town where you can get your swerve
on and wash your undies at the same time. That’s the famous
Laundry Bar. The place has been under new ownership
now for about a year, and the changes, though subtle, have
not gone unnoticed. Particularly, bringing the mad boppers
Culture Productions into the fold was a great idea.
Now, the tiny club enjoys a Culture Club bass night on
Saturdays that’s so true to the boom you have to be careful
where you put your drinks for fear of the vibrations
shattering your glass. The addition of quality DJs like
Stryke, Nova, Bobi and a whole host of
others makes this place a break-dancing boy’s paradise.
Meanwhile, Laundry Bar has stayed true to the gay-friendly
attitude that made the place popular to begin with.
Successful gay and lesbian nights that include dating games,
drag queens and sheer fabulousness have ensured the venue
has stayed real through its metamorphoses.
The Buck Stops Here
Ahhh,
what can I say about Buck 15? The place holds a
special place in my heart. It’s the perfect destination to
close out a night. Comfortable couches line the dark
interior space just above Miss Yip’s Chinese restaurant. The
effect leaves party people with a sense of intimacy that
lends itself perfectly to sexy private encounters with
potential breakfast partners. DJ Foxx, a reformed
California bad girl with a sticker that reads “I love
Vagina” just above the DJ booth, spins the retro hits that
keep the place bumpin’ till 5 in the morning. You have to
love a woman who knows where all the “whoaaaahs” and
“yeaaaahhsss” go in a Billy Idol song, and her
jubilant spirit is as contagious as the melodies she throws
down.
Dirty Purdy
Maybe its time has passed. I, for one, am sick of hearing it
referred to as the dirty Purdy, but I would be remiss if I
left out the one and only Purdy Lounge. So many
nights has it served me well with its two rooms of killer
grooves, reasonable drink prices and enough elbow room to
truly let loose and boogie. We’re not giving up on it just
yet. I still love you Purdy!
Spotted:
No,
you didn’t imagine it: The boobs on the beach did in fact
get bigger and faker this week due to the
Exxxotica
Convention at
the Miami Beach Convention Center. That filthy whore
Jenna Jameson, that dirty slut Tera Patrick and
that walking retrovirus Ron Jeremy were all in
attendance, as well as a bunch of people way too comfortable
watching porn in public.
Michelle Rodriguez
had some lovely lady lumps in tow when she partied at Set’s
Rotten Apple Party on Thursday. The former Lost
actress was seen twice with a gorgeous brunette cutting up a
rug and partying like it was 1999.
Tennis hottie Maria Sharapova was also at Set on
Friday night, climbing on the speakers shaking her rack-et.
Gisele Bundchen
and her sisters were
everywhere this week, drinking and sinning with Eric and
Francis Milon at Mansion and sitting with local promoter
extraordinaire Navin Chatani on Saturday.
Robin Thicke
remained super camera-shy at Set on Thursday
Ron Jeremy,
again at Mansion on Saturday, successfully convinced a
bachelorette party to ceremoniously flash him.
Howard Stern,
Billy Joel,
Tommy Mottola and
fiancée/wives enjoyed some fine Italian cuisine at
Macaluso’s on Sunday night.
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