Episode 3: The Lost Boys

As contestants claw for Southern footholds, Team Republicans discovers just how lost it really is

By Lee Molloy

Barack Obama couldn’t make it to the MLK parade in Liberty City on Monday, so supporter Dave Patlak carried around a life-size cardboard cutout of him instead. Photo Richard M. Brooks

For our reality series Make Me the President, we scoured the country to find the most power-hungry, Machiavellian and downright unattractive people in the United States of America (“The Greatest Nation On Earth” ™) to find the man, or woman, who could raise the most money, be willing to break the most promises and offer the most bland reason to become — The President.

Previously on MMTP

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg flirted with the idea of throwing his yarmulke into the presidential ring. Sens. Barack “Damn, I told you we needed to keep ‘Hussein’ on the down low” Obama and Hillary “Let’s forget about Rodham” Clinton got into a catfight about race and gender issues. Clinton and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt “Cyberdyne Systems Model T-2008” Romney took the top spot in the Michigan primaries for their respective teams. And, in Nevada, Team Democrats had an interesting sit-down debate during which Clinton showed off her skills and convincingly put the smackdown on both Obama and Edwards. Finally, last season’s MMTP winner, George “Dubya” Bush, spent the week gallivanting around the Middle East selling arms to the Saudis while trying to bring peace to the Israelis and Palestinians — the irony of which would probably be much more newsworthy if Bush wasn’t now as embarrassing as a Miss America beauty queen who just posed nude for Playboy. Team Republicans contestants, meanwhile, just pretended not to know him.  

This week on MMTP

After the debate in Nevada, Hillary Clinton won the primary as expected, but due to some quirky accounting that could only happen in Las Vegas, Barack Obama took the most Team Democrats delegates. Romney won for Team Republicans because the good gaming industry folks in Nevada liked his business message. Of course, the fact that there are a large number of Latter Day Saints in the state probably didn’t hurt either.

Team Republicans also held its South Carolina primary this week. As we found out in the previous episode, the South Carolina primary has not only been the right-wing team’s gateway to the South, but also the stage where it traditionally crowns its heir apparent.  However, this time things may not be so certain.

Since the Reagan coalition — which was made up of social conservatives (Christian crazies), fiscal conservatives (tax-evaders and robber barons) and believers in a strong national defense (gun-toting xenophobes) — Team Republicans have always known just who they are and what they stood for. However, they haven’t exactly had a great self-image since that son of a Bush, George Jr., his pal, Darth Cheney, and their various cronies and toadies totally fucked up everything in Iraq, dropped the ball in New Orleans and oversaw the biggest economic crisis since the Great Depression. 

So, instead of getting those Queer Eye boys to give them a makeover, they started fighting among themselves for a direction — just like Team Democrats usually does.

The problem with Team Republicans this season is that no one candidate satisfies the majority of the fans. Early fan favorite Dame Rudy lost his way pretty quickly because of social conservative concerns about his multiple marriages, cross-dressing, business practices and lack of hair. (It is a fact, or close enough to one anyway, that no bald man has been elected president since the top hat went out of fashion.) Sen. John McCain, after almost going broke early in the competition, has also had a problem among the social conservatives, even as a bona fide war hero, for his radical positions on such wedge issues as abortion. He believes that a girl who has been raped by a relative should be allowed to terminate her pregnancy — that crazy fool!

Romney, although an obvious darling of business with the most presidential bearing of the Team Republicans hopefuls, has one major flaw, aside from being a habitual liar and flip-flopper — he’s a Mormon. And, Mormons are weird. So, that really leaves Mike “Trust me my name’s” Huckabee, who, although a favorite of the grass-root evangelicals, just isn’t getting the love from the business community. His plan to move to a “fair tax” system, which is really just a flat tax system, is about as revolutionary an idea as one can fiscally get. Now, conservatives, as their name may suggest, aren’t exactly known for being revolutionary, so the plan isn’t making him overly popular with the business types in the fan base.  

So, what is a Team Republicans fan to do? Settle on one of these guys? Hope for an Independent contestant? Vote for a contestant from Team Democrats? Or, more likely, will they just ultimately stay home for the grand finale and watch reruns of American Idol? Who knows, but we should get a better idea after the Florida primary.   

Team Democrats headed to South Carolina on Monday for their latest talkathon.

Since it was MLK day, since the debate was sponsored by the Congressional Black Caucus, and since Clinton and Obama have been fighting tooth and nail for the black vote, which makes up approximately 50 percent of the Democratic constituency in that state, the stakes were sincerely high.

The debate briefly got interesting with a he said, she said game between Clinton and Obama about how the Clintons interpreted Obama’s words. Well, let’s be honest here: Sens. Obama, Edwards and Clinton, and former MMTP winner Bill Clinton are all exceptional lawyers who are very capable of interpreting the meaning of words in any way that is convenient for them at any given moment. “I did not have sex with that woman” is an example that we may all recognize.

But, when the three members of Team Democrats took their seats in the second half of the debate, the entire thing turned into a bit of a snoozefest. The only noteworthy events were that Obama had to reiterate the fact that he is a Christian, all three contestants seemingly anointed John McCain as the Team Republicans nominee and the fans amazingly didn’t fall into comas due to the lack of excitement.

Oh yes, and as predicted last week, Rep. Duncan “Who?” Hunter finally hopped on the short bus home. Seriously, there really was a contestant named Hunter this season.  Honest. And, while we’re discussing those heading home, Fred “That guy from Law & Order” Thompson decided it was time to throw in the towel and head back to TV Land. Rumors that he will be appearing in the next season of NBC’s reality show The Biggest Loser are, however, we suspect, entirely without foundation. 

Finally, Obama was seen campaigning in Miami this week — well, at least a cardboard cutout of him was. Fans of Obama commandeered a float during an MLK parade through Liberty City and held aloft an effigy to the senator. It seems that these fans were unaware of the Second Commandment and are probably all going to burn in hell. Other locals, who appeared to be suffering from a medical condition, as evidenced by the uncontrollable twitching and lack of weight, seemed confused by the famed orator’s lack of vocabulary and his refusal to give them any of his much-vaunted “change.”

Next week, competitors get a little closer to a private suite on Air Force One. Which ones? Tune in and find out.

Hail to the chief! 

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