Episode 4: Everybody Hates Romney

Strange bedfellows and interesting fashion trends emerge from latest round of political bouts

Republican Ron Paul may have done better in the debate at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton last Thursday had he chosen a better tie. Photo by Nicole Letaw

By Lee Molloy

For our reality series Make Me the President, we scoured the country to find the most power-hungry, Machiavellian and downright unattractive people in the United States of America (“The Greatest Nation On Earth” ™) to find the man, or woman, who could raise the most money, be willing to break the most promises and offer the most bland reason to become — The President.

Previously on MMTP:

Sen. Hillary Clinton and Gov. Mitt Romney both claimed victory in Nevada in their respective team contests. Then, Sen. John McCain won the South Carolina primary, which for more than a quarter century has been the state where Team Republicans have gotten together and agreed on their nominee. This year, however, things may be different, as the grand old team isn’t quite as sure of itself as it has been in the past. Team Democrats were also in South Carolina last week for their latest talkathon. Sens. Clinton and Obama got a little heated as they went toe to toe over the issues, while Sen. Edwards desperately tried to get some air time for himself. But, honestly, what chance does a good-looking white guy have of getting any love from Team Democrats this season?  And, finally, last week saw two Team Republicans contestants, Hunter and Thompson (whose names written together form that of a far greater man than the two of them combined — R.I.P. Dr. Gonzo), wave the white flag and head home on the short bus.

This week on MMTP:

First up, Team Republicans came to everyone’s favorite Sunshine State and talked about the issues near and dear to their fans. But, due to the lack of interest in what the candidates were discussing, we decided to take a look at their sartorial choices instead.  Of course, everyone wore a black business suit, except Romney, who stood out from the pack in blue. First blood to Romney then, as everyone — well, everyone who knows anything about power dressing — knows that a blue suit strikes just the right amount of seriousness without being too somber. When it came to neckwear, Romney went with the blue tie — this could be seen as a sign of confidence, with blue being the color of Team Democrats and the necktie often being the garment one uses to display his colors, also shared by former Gov. Huckabee. McCain and Dame Rudy, however, both played it safe and went for the red. Crazy Ron Paul proved there was nobody helping with his wardrobe as he went for black, red and blue diagonal stripes. It’s no wonder no one takes that dude seriously. The only other factor that divided the Team Republicans contestants was their choice of jewelry. Dame Rudy, with yet another reference to 9/11, decided on a flag pin for his lapel. Ron Paul also wore a pin, but it was hard to see exactly what it was. And, it is interesting to note that none of the other contestants displayed any bling at all. The bottom line is that if Tim Gunn from Project Runway were here to judge, we believe the night would have gone to Romney. Congratulations Governor.

Team Democrats hit South Carolina and the vote was on. Both Sens. Clinton and Obama were looking for a win here and Obama brought it home for his fans with a massive majority. So, what does that mean for the Clinton fans? Well, it is now time for some cold, hard thinking. As 50 percent of the Team Democrats’ vote in South Carolina is African-American, Obama had a built-in advantage, as many black people would obviously love to see one of their own in the White House. Meanwhile, the mainstream media made a big deal about black women being the soccer moms of this election, but ones only capable of choosing a woman or a black man.

Anyhow, it seemed that Sen. Clinton’s attempt at dropping a tear a couple of weeks ago wasn’t enough to give her the female vote this time, so color trumped gender at the polling booths. Former MMTP winner Bill Clinton stated the undeniable fact that former contestant Jesse Jackson had won the Team Democrats’ South Carolina primary two times in the ’80s but had failed to win the team’s nomination. President Clinton was then jumped on by the p.c. police and accused of racism yet again for trying to make Obama the black candidate. Well, no matter what anyone in the tree-hugging, holier-than-thou Team Democrats wants to believe and no matter how much Sen. Barack Hussein Obama would love to never mention being black or raise black issues, his skin color is out there and does it for him.

And, if Team Democrats thinks that if Obama’s nominated for the grand finale, Team Republicans isn’t going to “swift boat” the hell out of the fact that he is black, his father was a Muslim, his middle name is the same as Saddam’s last name and that he freely admitted to taking cocaine, let alone the fact that he has no foreign policy or executive experience, they are being incredibly naïve. Team Democrats needs to think about the picture beyond their nomination and ask themselves if the United States of America as it is (as opposed to how they want it to be) is truly ready to vote for a black president, or indeed a female president, and if the answer to those questions is no, well, then they may regret letting the white guy with the great hair and perfect teeth (Sen. Edwards) drop out of the game this week. But, then again, Obama has gotten the endorsements of former MMTP losers Sens. John Kerry and Ted Kennedy so he must be doing something right. Right?

Monday night, last season’s MMTP winner and son of a Bush, George Jr., gave the State of the Union Address. It was mostly a cure for insomnia, but it was fun to see Obama and his new BFF Ted Kennedy sitting next to each other and applauding, or not applauding, in unison as the president made his points. Apparently, the state of our union is strong — well, I’m sure we’re all glad that Dubya cleared that up for us.

Finally, this week we had the Florida Team Republicans primary and the Team Democrats non-primary. That’s right, the votes of the more than 1 million Team Democrats fans who stood on line for hours to vote will not count because of a little internal politics and because Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean is still pissed about the “yee-har” thing. So, Clinton stormed home in Florida with no delegates, though she did treat it as a major victory and certainly got a heck of a lot of media attention. Is the Sunshine State statistically more representative of Team Democrats fans in general than South Carolina? Hillary thinks so, and in a week we will all know for sure. And, as a point of local interest, Clinton thanked Miami Beach Mayor Matti Bower — the city’s first female and first Cuban-American mayor — for her support. It has yet to be confirmed, however, if the two plan to have a slumber party to talk about boys and paint each other’s toenails in the event that Hillary wins.

When it comes to Team Republicans, the long knives are starting to come out. McCain beat Romney by a comfortable margin, but it is fair to say that Huckabee is funneling a certain number of conservative votes away from Romney by staying in a game he can’t win. Team Republicans’ internal squabbling is fascinating to watch. The hardcore Republicans fans can’t stand John “Maverick” McCain because, military issues aside, he isn’t really much of a conservative, and the right wing talk-radio shows are saying that “a vote for Huckabee is a vote for McCain.” They are correct. However, from the point of view of the contestants and their staff, they all hate Mitt “Cyberdyne Systems Model T-2008, with added economy in the DNA” Romney, because he is über-rich, a flip-flopper and comes without any discernible conservative principles. And that is why Huckabee is going to stay in the game for another week — to keep siphoning his votes to McCain in a bid to claim the vice presidential spot for himself. Meanwhile, Dame Rudy — McCain’s BFF — gave the senator from Arizona the reach-around on Wednesday by way of his endorsement after claiming his short bus pass. Basically, Team Republicans contestants are playing their own game, “Everyone Hates Romney,’ and who are we to argue?

Next week, tune in for Super Tuesday. ’Nuff said!

Hail to the Chief!

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