The SunPost

Even Ann Coulter endorsed Sen. Hillary Clinton, pictured here at a campaign rally in Davie last week, after she won the Florida Democratic nonprimary. Photo by Reuters

We scoured the country to find the most power hungry, Machiavellian and downright unattractive people in the United States of America (The Greatest Nation On Earth ™) to find the man, or woman, who could raise the most money, be willing to break the most promises and present the most bland reason to become — The President.

Previously on MMTP

The contestants from Team Republicans hit Florida to talk about their issues. However, in true Tim Gunn style, we decided not to listen to what they had to say and instead paid attention to the way they presented themselves. Gov. Mitt Romney, in a beautifully cut blue suit, was the clear winner, but only because Dame Rudy left his party dress at home.

Meanwhile, Team Democrats headed to South Carolina, where the only thing anyone could talk about was how black women held the keys to the state primary as they chose between Sens. Clinton and Obama. Obama easily won the state, while two-time MMTP winner Bill Clinton got his wife’s campaign in trouble yet again by suggesting that this was just a black thing. Meanwhile, Obama’s campaign, controversially preferring to stick to the issues, refused to confirm that Sen. Obama is indeed black. Both teams then headed to Florida for the biggest nonevent of the week, since Team Democrats had decided not to count the votes of more than a million fans and Team Republicans decided to allow only half of its state delegates to play at the convention. For the record though, Hillary Clinton won her team’s nondelegates and John McCain won half of his. To top it all off, last season’s MMTP winner, George “Dubya” Bush, gave the State of the Union Address. Our union is strong — in case you hadn’t noticed.

This week on MMTP

The two teams headed west to California to, yet again, accuse each other of all sorts of nonsense. Amazingly, even though the debates are getting to be as frequent as a Britney Spears mental breakdown, the public tuned in to these two sleep-aids in record numbers. In much the same way that some teenagers watch an entire 90-minute movie just to glimpse a pair of breasts for a few seconds, these debates have become about sitting through 90 minutes of the same old, same old just to catch a moment of genuine action.

First, the contestants from Team Republicans competed over who was the most gay for former MMTP winner and Bedtime for Bonzo star Ronald Reagan. The only interesting moment occurred when John “Maverick” McCain went on the attack against Mitt “My DNA is the economy, stupid” Romney. Sen. McCain claimed that Gov. Romney wanted to set timetables to leave Iraq; Romney said that wasn’t so, then clearly stated in the very next question that he would not, in fact, agree to a timetable for troop withdrawal. Then, in a bizarre twist, which had some questioning McCain’s sanity, the senator from Arizona continued trying to interpret Romney’s words as if he said he would set a timetable, even after CNN’s Anderson Cooper read the quote back verbatim and proved him wrong. Why didn’t mainstream news outlets repeatedly broadcast McCain’s strange and somewhat crazed behavior as they did Howard Dean’s famous 2004 “Yee-Har” rant? Could it be because it only took 20 seconds to crucify Dean, but would take several minutes to show what a nut McCain could be? Is our collective attention span now so short that we would rather put a total fruit loop in the White House than stop shoving Big Macs in our faces long enough to actually listen to what the guy is saying?

Now that the Team Democrats debates are down to only two players, things are getting even worse. It is not good politics for the eventual nominee to be seen as constantly attacking members of his or her own party, so both Hillary and Barack cut back on the rhetoric and conducted themselves way too civilly to keep this interesting. If this were the boxing match it should have been, Barack would have brought it on as he got into the ring with title-holding Hillary, but he unfortunately just fought to go the distance.

Hillary, on the other hand, surprisingly passed the chance to land a KO punch when, in an early round, Barack played the judgment-over-experience card regarding Iraq and asserted that, “It is not enough to be ready on day one; you have to be right on day one.” Then, later, as the fight approached its final round, Barack said he would get good advisors who wouldn’t be afraid to disagree with him, because “I won’t always be right.” Well, if it is important to be right on day one, but he admits he’s not always right, doesn’t that negate his own argument? As noted, Sen. Clinton missed a rare opportunity.

Well-known liberal, left wing darling (spot the sarcasm!), writer and columnist Ann Coulter surprisingly endorsed Sen. Clinton this week when she railed against one of her own Team Republicans contestants, John McCain. She said he would be too soft on terrorism and then went on, “If he is our candidate, Hillary is going to be our girl.” A more suspicious mind may be forgiven for thinking that if Coulter really wanted to screw Clinton, not in the strap-on sense of course, then all she would have to do is endorse her. But such a hard-ass conservative bitch would never stoop to such lows, would she?

Meanwhile, while campaigning on Monday, Clinton went after the chick-flick contingent again by tearing up at a Yale University event. Will the tear bomb work for her like it did the night before the New Hampshire primary? Let’s find out as we move onto … drum-roll please … Super Tuesday!

“It’s gonna be a long night.” Every frickin’ broadcaster and pundit on TV said these words at sometime on Tuesday — and they were all wrong. First, there was no discernible change in the actual length of the night at all. Second, everyone was pretty much tucked in bed with their teddy bears by 2 a.m.

What the results meant, though, will probably take days to figure out. Here are some highlights:

It was amusing to note that even though two former MMTP losers, Sens. Ted Kennedy and John Kerry, had endorsed Sen. Obama, Sen. Clinton took their state of Massachusetts. I hate to say I told you so, but….

Then, it was puzzling to note just how confused some fans were. For example, Harlem resident Margret Segura told TV reporters, “Hillary has better ideas. I love Bill Clinton.” Then she voted for Obama in New York.

And it was baffling to note that in San Antonio, Texas, more that 1,000 calls poured into the Bexar County Elections Department from voters wanting to know where they could vote in the primary. It is great to see the MMTP fans are so keen to vote, of course, but primary Election Day isn’t until March 4 in the Lone Star State.

On Team Republicans, McCain kept his momentum up, and Romney began suffering from electile dysfunction. And Huckabee, with his regional strength in the South, continues to look like a great potential VP.

So, with everything still in the air and Super Tuesday already gone, the leaders of both teams are ready to wrap this sucker up so they can start fighting the other team rather than themselves. Tune in next week to find out who gets closer to riding Air Force One. It’s still up to you.

Hail to the Chief!

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