The SunPost

We scoured the country to find the most power hungry, Machiavellian and downright unattractive people in the United States of America (The Greatest Nation On Earth ™) to find the man, or woman, who could raise the most money, be willing to break the most promises and present the most bland reason to become — The President.

Previously on MMTP

Last week was, of course, Super Tuesday, when Sen. John “I am too a conservative” McCain took the vast majority of the Team Republicans delegates, with Gov. Mike “I am the real conservative” Huckabee number two and Gov. Mitt “I too can be a conservative if it means I can win” Romney not really convincing anyone of his merits — it seems nobody, not even fans of Team Republicans, are completely comfortable with the idea of someone trying to buy the presidency. So, last week was all about the conservative wing of the Grand Old Team stamping its feet in frustration like a spoiled child and desperately trying to get someone to pay attention to it. Accordingly, Team Republicans came apart at the seams, the Reagan coalition fractured and nothing seemed to be able to stop it. Meanwhile, Team Democrats continued to see their fans’ loyalty divided between Clinton/Obama (or is that Obama/Clinton?) as both senators picked up a pretty even number of delegates in a race that’s going all the way to the convention.

This week on MMTP

Literally moments after last week’s episode wrapped, we got a surprise announcement from Romney that he was “suspending” his campaign. Fans of McCain were ecstatic, and the Arizona senator anointed himself the presumptive nominee of his team. Why did Romney quit? He made some bullshit comments about it being for the good of Team Republicans. So, could it be that he was talked into it by some shadowy suit in a darkened room, or was it just that he didn’t want to waste any more of his own money on a pipe dream? The conspiracy theories are still rolling in after this week’s primary in Washington state. With 1,500 votes yet to be counted and Huckabee only 242 votes behind, the race was called for McCain by state team chairman Luke Esser, which may seem a little premature and, if so, there are creams for that nowadays. So, Huckabee is having his people (contestants have people, you see) legally dispute the results. What games are these people playing? It really does seem that Team Republicans’ leadership is more concerned with everyone getting back on the same (swift) boat and allowing the attack machine to go after the contestant that Team Democrats eventually nominates, than in getting a nominee that satisfies the conservative wing of their own team.

Hillary threw a hissy-fit this week when MSNBC’s David Shuster said the Clinton campaign had “pimped out” daughter Chelsea to make phone calls to superdelegates on Sen. Clinton’s behalf. Faster than a cock-sucking intern, more powerful than a pharmaceutical lobbyist, able to leap the constitution in a single bound, it’s Superdelegate! Snicker, snicker — sorry, can’t take that term seriously at all. Anyhow, although it is certainly fair enough for the Clintons to get a little upset about the implication that their daughter is a hooker, surely Bill is in his element being pimp daddy. Furthermore, with the word pimp so ubiquitous in today’s parlance, aren’t they being just a little too sensitive? Seriously, they are even threatening not to take part in future MSNBC presidential debates over this. Well, excuse me, but haven’t they heard of something called freedom of the press? Is a potential president really saying that if she doesn’t like something that a member of the press has to say, she will take the presidential ball away and not let them play? That goes a little further than spin control and makes the Clinton machine seem as sinister as some fear.

And now the Latinos are pissed at the Clinton campaign. After getting her ass kicked over the weekend, Hillary fired her Hispanic campaign manager and replaced her with African-American Maggie Williams. Is this yet another example of identity politics from the Clintons, and is it too little too late to win over the black female vote? The next few weeks will be interesting, that’s for sure.

Meanwhile, the extreme right wing of Team Republicans has still shown no love for John “Maverick” McCain; Rush “Junkie” Limbaugh is tap-dancing around the issue of his support for the presumptive nominee. But Rush claimed he was McCain’s biggest asset on his radio show this week, saying, “If I really wanted to torpedo McCain, I would endorse him.” Limbaugh’s thinking was that independents and moderates who hate him would never go for McCain if he had his endorsement. As we discovered last week with bottle-blonde bombshell and überbitch Ann Coulter, these conservative talk radio pundits and writers are sneaky types, so who knows what psychological games he may be playing?

And also this week, Mike Huckabee’s press pool bus ran out of gas en route to Dulles International Airport in Washington, D.C. No comment. Snicker, snicker.

So, what of this week’s primaries and caucuses?

Well, the weekend, and this week in general, has been a clean sweep for Sen. Obama. The Clinton campaign says it expected that and is looking toward the more delegate-rich states of Ohio and Texas for their glory. However, Obama has cut into Clinton’s main supporters: women. And, with 90 percent of African-American Democratic voters marking their dance card for Obama in Virginia, there is no longer any doubt that half-white is black enough.

For Team Republicans, things haven’t been so easy. Huckabee took Kansas and Louisiana and is disputing McCain’s Washington state win, as mentioned earlier, though McCain took all three of the Potomac primaries. Huckabee, as far as the math goes, can no longer realistically win the nomination for Team Republicans. The question now is whether he will stay in the race long enough for God to deliver him a miracle or if he will hammer the last nail into the influence of the Christian right.

Tune in next week to see which “man” Team Democrats fans support; if Mike Huckabee has found his miracle; and, with the writers back at work and everyone’s favorite shows back on TV, if anyone even cares about this shit anymore.

Hail to the chief!

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