The SunPost: News For Miami, The Beaches and Beyond

BRUCE: Welcome to the SunPost Miami International Boat Show guide, a special issue guaranteed to make a certain part of the male anatomy bigger. My name is Bruce, and this is my associate, Kimba.

KIMBA (winking while shimmying her shoulders): Hi.

BRUCE: As per tradition, the SunPost publishes a special section as a service to the thousands of boating enthusiasts who come into town looking for very big boats.

KIMBA: Big (winking) and powerful.

BRUCE:That’s right, Kimba (smiling, revealing perfect white and shiny teeth), big and powerful. As I was saying, the SunPost, as a service, lists all the businesses in the area so our out-of-town visitors won’t get lost when they leave the secure confines of the boat show.

KIMBA: Get to the best part, Bruce!

BRUCE: Ha-ha. Patience, Kimba, patience. Anyway, our team of scientists has discovered a unique side effect. Men who picked up the SunPost’s limited edition issue, particularly boating enthusiasts, noticed a difference in a certain part of their male anatomy.

KIMBA: They got bigger.

BRUCE: They sure did, Kimba. At first, we thought it was because they had just purchased state-of-the-art yachts. But it turns out that buying yachts did not actually make that certain part of the anatomy bigger — it just made the men feel more, uh, secure about themselves.

KIMBA: They got bigger.

BRUCE: And those who actually patronized the SunPost’s advertisers, particularly those listed in bold — well, the enhancing effects were even more pronounced.

KIMBA: They got a lot (winking and twisting) bigger!

BRUCE: We also found that this special issue had an enhancing effect for women’s anatomy.

KIMBA: Their breasts got bigger!
BRUCE: You know, Kimba, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I used to buy a yacht or a speedboat every year, to the point where I had to set up my own chartering business — all to hide my insecurity. Then, two years ago, I picked up the SunPost’s boat section and noticed a tingling sensation. Then, when I started frequenting the advertisers that were listed in bold….

KIMBA: He got a lot (winking) bigger!

BRUCE: What’s with the blinking, Kimba? Got something stuck in your eye?

KIMBA: You know, yeah, since this morning. I can’t seem to get it out. I think it’s an eyelash.

BRUCE: Say, did this special issue have an enhancing effect on you?

KIMBA: Nah, I got a boob job.

BRUCE: This is not a gimmick. It’s real science mixed with some witchcraft. The SunPost’s boat show guide can enhance your anatomy, and frequenting the advertisers will enhance your anatomy significantly. This is 100 percent guaranteed to make you bigger. And if you aren’t satisfied with our product, you can return it and we’ll give you your money back.

KIMBA: Actually, this is a free issue. They won’t take it back.

BRUCE: All right, if this weren’t true, would we be able to say it on TV?

KIMBA: This won’t be on TV.

BRUCE: It won’t?

KIMBA: Nope. I just heard this is going to be part of an introduction for the special issue.

BRUCE: Son of a bitch! I’m going to kill my agent!

KIMBA: What? You want thousands of people to know you have a small penis?

BRUCE: Had a small penis! Haaaaaaaad! The boat show issue made it bigger.

KIMBA: Yeah, right. Look, we’re not getting paid for this. They canceled the commercial.

BRUCE: I’m not kidding. I got bigger. Look! (Unzips pants.)

KIMBA (looks down, eyes get wide, looks up, smiles and then widens her right eye with both hands): Is there something in my eye? The pain is driving me nuts.

— By Erik Bojnansky

— Listings compiled by Erik Bojnansky, Julia Carfango and Agustina Prigoshin