Sen. John McCain wonders if Barack Obama would be smiling so much if he had spent five and a half years at the Hanoi Hilton.

For our reality series Make Me the President, we scoured the country to find the most power-hungry, Machiavellian and downright unattractive people in the United States of America (“The Greatest Nation On Earth” ™) to find the man, or woman, who could raise the most money, be willing to break the most promises and offer the most bland reason to become — The President.

This week on MMTP:

In a desperate and obvious effort to pander to young fans, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on both Saturday Night Live and The Daily Show this week, which definitely is a step up from crying. She also released a scary movie to have us all believe that she would be working at her desk at 3 a.m. if the White House received a crisis call — implying that Sen. Barack Obama would be out doing cocaine with Tony Rezko or anything else in the middle of the night rather than being in the Oval Office.

Amazingly, this strategy could be working, as Team Democrats fans decided not to give her a pink slip just yet and, instead, gave her victories in Texas, Rhode Island and Ohio. That should create enough momentum to reboot her campaign going into Pennsylvania next month. Caution, cliché coming: Clinton is the comeback kid!

Meanwhile, Gov. Mike Huckabee finally did the decent thing and dropped out of the race, leaving Sen. John McCain the presumptive nominee of Team Republicans. So, in tribute to our first finalist of the season, we will take a look at McCain’s background and how he came to be a top-tier MMTP contestant.

Little John Sidney McCain III was born at a naval base in what was then the American-controlled Panama Canal Zone. Both his father and grandfather were admirals in the U.S. Navy, so McCain was brought up as a military brat who ultimately attended more than 20 schools. By the way, if Obama wins his team’s nomination, this will be the first time that two men not born in the contiguous United States will compete as MMTP finalists.

Keeping with the tradition of his family, McCain entered the U.S. Naval Academy. Although he did not excel in his studies there, he did compete as a boxer in the lightweight division and, although considered quite the rebel, became a leader among his fellow midshipmen. McCain graduated from the Naval Academy in 1958 near the bottom of his class, but still managed to get into naval flight school, from which he graduated in 1960 and became an attack aircraft pilot. He was assigned to aircraft carriers, including the USS Enterprise. Although there has been talk that he befriended a young captain by the name of James T. Kirk and boldly went where no man had gone before, we are unable to confirm the story.

In 1965, he married model Carol Shepp, and inherited her two children, Doug and Andy. Then, shortly after the birth of their daughter, Sidney, the young McCain felt he needed to get away and requested a combat assignment to Vietnam. While assigned to the USS Forrestal, he wrote, “We thought our civilian commanders were complete idiots who didn’t have the least notion of what it took to win the war.” He also seemed to have this opinion of the Bush administration, which made him unpopular with many of his Team Republicans buddies.

After shrapnel from an accidental missile launch aboard the USS Forrestal hit him in the chest and legs, McCain volunteered to join the USS Oriskany while the Forrestal was being repaired. At that time, during his 23rd mission over North Vietnam, his A-4E Skyhawk was shot down and he became a prisoner of war.

McCain was sent to Hoa Loa Prison, aka the Hanoi Hilton, a disgusting, skanky hole that hotel heiress, Paris, modeled herself after many years later. Ten months later, his father, Admiral McCain, was named commander of all U.S. forces in the Vietnam theater, and our boy John was offered the chance to return home because the North Vietnamese thought this generous offer would make for great propaganda. Lt. Commander McCain, however, with an act of astonishing courage refused to accept the offer until every man taken before him was also released. That was when the torture and the beatings really got started; to this day, the injuries he received prevent him from lifting his arms over his head. In total, McCain was held as a POW for five and a half years, missing out on the best years of the Beatles and the British invasion. His musical tastes never fully recovered.

McCain returned to the United States on March 15, 1973, and went through extensive rehabilitation and physical therapy before becoming fit enough to have his flight status reinstated. By the end of ’74, he became the commanding officer of a Florida-based navy training squadron and, under his command, the squadron won its first Meritorious Unit Commendation. Unfortunately, no doubt due to the stress he was under, McCain’s relationship with his wife broke down. He later became the Navy’s liaison to the U.S. Senate and, soon after, began a relationship with the woman who would later become his second trophy wife, Cindy Lou Hensley. By the time he retired from the Navy in 1981, McCain had reached the rank of captain and received the Silver Star, Bronze Star, the Legion of Merit, the Purple Heart and a Distinguished Flying Cross.

After retirement, McCain won a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives in ’82 representing the 1st District of Arizona. He represented the state for several years, during which time he fathered three children with his new wife and adopted a fourth, Bridget, from the orphanage in Bangladesh run by Mother Teresa. Seriously, we couldn’t make this stuff up.

In 1987, McCain took his seat in the U.S. Senate and soon became a member of the Senate Armed Services Committee. As a senator, McCain gained the reputation of being a maverick who often railed against the party line and special interests such as big tobacco; he also pissed off fellow senators with a campaign finance reform bill co-sponsored by Team Democrats’ Sen. Russ Feingold.

In 2000, McCain entered MMTP as a first-time contestant; however, after starting out strong, he lost the nomination to current MMTP champ George W. Bush, mainly due to his lack of support from the crazy Christian wing of Team Republicans. He has since voted against Bush on multiple occasions and maintained his reputation as both a straight shooter and a maverick.
The road to the Team Republicans nomination has not been easy for McCain, but, after looking at his history, we can see the mettle he has for a good fight.

Tune in next week to see how the chips fall after Sen. Clinton’s amazing comeback and to find out who will be closer to that coveted suite on Air Force One.

Hail to the Chief!