Hillary Clinton

Episode 12: Are You Experienced?

By Lee Molloy

For our reality series Make Me The President, we scoured the country to find the most power-hungry, Machiavellian and downright unattractive people in the United States of America (“The Greatest Nation On Earth” ™) to find the man, or woman, who could raise the most money, be willing to break the most promises and offer the most bland reason to become — The President.

This week on MMTP:

Former MMTP contestant Gov. Bill Richardson grew a beard and decided to join the Obama campaign. We suspect the facial hair was Richardson’s attempt to disguise himself after committing high treason against his political sugar daddy, former MMTP champion Bill Clinton. That, or he was copying Al Gore’s response to losing the game two seasons ago.

Those coquettes over at the Obama campaign are sending out mixed signals this week. They claim to want the superdelegates to vote the way of the fans, which, at this stage, would nix any attempt by the Clinton posse to win the nomination. Senator Clinton is highly unlikely to either pick up more delegates than Senator Obama or win the popular vote.

At the same time, Team Obama accepted the endorsement of MMTP loser Richardson, whose state voted for Clinton in the primary. Furthermore, MMTP losers Senators Kerry and Kennedy of Massachusetts also endorsed Obama even though their state went Clinton by double digits. So, is there any reasonable argument left to be made for the superdelegates not to vote any way they choose? We think not.

As last week’s episode wrapped, Sen. John “Methuselah” McCain shot himself in the foot by making the McGaffe of confusing his Muslim factions; he referred to Iranians (crazy Shi’ite Muslims) training al-Qa’eda (radical Sunni Muslims) and sending them back to Iraq to fight U.S. troops. Obviously, McCain was napping when they had the meeting in the Senate regarding how these Muslim factions were even bigger mortal enemies than the Yankees and the Red Sox.

Anyhow, this forced Sen. Joe “(politically) Bi-Curious” Lieberman to whisper a sweet something into McCain’s ear and Grandpa quickly corrected himself. Now, this puts the McCain camp in a dilly of a pickle. Do they dismiss this mistake as a senior moment, or do they admit that Senator McCain doesn’t know what the heck he’s talking about? Neither option is exactly a vote winner, especially when McCain’s entire campaign is about being Mr. Military.

During recent months, Senator Clinton’s campaign has asserted that Hillary was heavily involved in issues taking place in such improbable-sounding places as Kosovo, Northern Ireland, China, Bosnia and even Rwanda during her time as first lady. And more so, that this somehow qualifies her to be commander in chief. Okay then, Senator, let’s take a look:

Senator Clinton claims to have negotiated opening the borders between Macedonia and Kosovo, making it possible for the Kosovar refugees to flee, during the war of ’99. The problem with this account is that the border had actually opened the day before she arrived on the scene and, furthermore, she was hardly in a war zone, as the camp that she stopped by had previously been visited by such notables as Richard “gerbilling” Gere and Bianca “my ex-husband’s Mick” Jagger. So much for Kosovo.

Hillary also alleges she “helped bring peace to Northern Ireland.” Although some players did talk favorably of her input, Nobel Peace Prize winner David Trimble said that Clinton’s contribution to the peace process was more like that of a “cheerleader” and not a “principal player.” Meanwhile, U2’s Bono was able to convince John Hume and David Trimble to appear in public together for the first time and even provided for a photo op with the troubled leaders. It would appear that Hillary was not even as effective in the peace process as an aging rock star — not exactly a glowing endorsement of her skills.

Hillary did, however, give a great speech as first lady while visiting China in ’95, criticizing the government’s record on human rights and, more pointedly, women’s rights. It was certainly a barnstorming performance, but does a great speech really count as experience? If we are to follow Clinton’s own logic, then no. Hasn’t she been saying that Senator Obama is nothing but pretty words? Can’t have it both ways, Senator.

Senator Clinton also said, when describing her arrival in Bosnia in March ’96 under threat of sniper fire, that the unofficial White House policy was, “If it’s too dangerous, too small and too poor, send the first lady.” Nice one, Bill! But, really, was the trip all that hazardous? Well, comedian Sinbad, who, along with singer Sheryl Crow, accompanied the first lady on the trip, couldn’t recall being worried. It’s not a crime for Senator Clinton to use a little poetic license in her war stories, but it’s unbecoming of a contestant on MMTP.

Finally, even though liberal arts students and peaceniks everywhere wanted the United States to stop the genocide in Rwanda, the Clinton administration did not consider a military intervention, according to then-State Department official Prudence Bushnell. So, why did Bill Clinton tell those at a campaign stop in Iowa last December that Hillary had advocated the use of U.S. troops at the time? If that is true, why would Senator Clinton want to pull troops out of Iraq knowing that the Sunni, Shi’ite and Kurds are, more than likely, going to attempt genocide on each other if that happens? At best, her logic can be considered inconsistent.

Ultimately, even though Senator Clinton has certainly talked up her résumé, her eight years in the White House as Bill Clinton’s most special advisor cannot be discounted. When Bill won his first term, he told the fans they would be getting two for one. Senator Clinton is certainly well-qualified academically and respected among her peers in the Senate. The question becomes, did the eight years she spent working with President Clinton, and serving as his co-pilot, give Hillary Rodham Clinton a unique perspective on what it really takes to be a successful POTUS? And if so, does that take her over the top in terms of experience and readiness when compared to her current rival, Barack Obama? In short (the padded résumé aside), yes and yes.

Tune in next week for more hilarious high jinks from the remaining contestants fighting over the key to the much-rumored and oft-denied escape pod aboard Air Force One.

Hail to the Chief!

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