Secretary of State Condi Rice

Reruns: The MMTP archive

Episode 14: The Vice is Rice?

For our reality series Make Me the President, we scoured the country to find the most power-hungry, Machiavellian and downright unattractive people in the United States of America (“The Greatest Nation On Earth” ™) to find the man, or woman, who could raise the most money, be willing to break the most promises and offer the most bland reason to become — The President.

By Lee Molloy

This week on MMTP:

“Let's not talk so much about vice. I'm against vice in all forms.”

-- Former MMTP champion Jack Kennedy

With all due respect to the memory of President Kennedy, who was clearly not interested in the vice presidency, the producers of MMTP disagree. Although absurdly early, it’s time to look at the current veep-stakes of our three remaining contestants.

First up, everyone’s favorite junior senator from Illinois, Barack “Who’s sane? Hussein, in the membrane” Obama’s choice for veep could be particularly interesting. Will he go for an elder statesman like Sen. Joe Biden, who has the foreign policy expertise that Obama lacks and might be an excellent bridge to parts of Congress that Obama would need to work with? Alternatively, perhaps Gov. Bill “Judas” Richardson would work and help get some of that Latino action going Obama’s way in the voting booths.

There has also been some talk of the governor of Kansas, Kathleen Sebelius, getting the tap, but her lackluster performance on giving the response to the State of the Union address this year has got to work against her. A supporter of Senator Clinton’s, like former MMTP contestant Gen. Wesley “I was the Supreme Allied Commander of NATO” Clark could be a great pick, as he would destroy the military advantage that Senator McCain currently holds and also help to bring some of the Clinton fans back to the fold. Of course, if she would consider it, Clinton herself should not be dismissed as a possibility. However, with the Obama campaign going against all conventional wisdom, we think they should just offer the position to a total Washington outsider like Barack’s celebrity fan, Scarlett Johansson, because she’s hot. 

As Senator Obama has not quite tied up the nomination, Sen. Hillary “I’m still standing” Clinton may yet have to choose a running mate. Obama would be the first choice for many on Team Democrats, creating the ‘dream ticket’ and setting him up for a run in 2016. Gen. Wesley Clark would also be a good choice for Clinton by bringing a strong military man in to quell some of the fears about a woman as commander in chief.

However, just for fun, how about the Billster? Although the Constitution bars a person from seeking election to the office of president for a third term, the law is unclear about a former president seeking the vice presidency. The 12th Amendment says, "No person constitutionally ineligible to the Office of President shall be eligible to that of Vice-President." A person “eligible to the Office of President” is defined under article II of the Constitution as a natural-born U.S. citizen, at least 35 years old and a resident of the United States for 14 years. The 22nd Amendment says, "No person shall be elected to the Office of the President more than twice." Therefore, no law prevents Bill Clinton being vice president.

And, as he wasn’t elected, if Hillary were to become incapacitated or dead, there would be nothing stopping his succeeding her to serve as president again. It would be a textualist reading of the Constitution perhaps, but it is an argument that could be made. So, wouldn’t it be amazing to see Clinton/Clinton ’08? If Hillary and Bill really want it so much that they would make the argument in court, it would be the all-time-greatest piece of political theater on reality television. “Bill is back in the White House. And this time he’s all vice.” Perchance to dream.

In the less unreal world though, Sen. John “Screw You!” McCain has to pick himself a veep for sure. And, it matters much whom he picks because this McCain guy could easily die within eight years if not four. Statistically, there is about a one in five chance that the president will die in office and the vice president take over. With McCain’s candidacy, you have to put those odds much higher.

So, whom does he go after? Former Team Republicans contestants Govs. Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney are surely on the list, but do they bring him anything but aggravation? A young up-and-coming governor could work, but McCain would have to introduce him or her to the public and explain why this person would also be a safe pair of hands. One name that has come up many times as a potential new contestant is Dr. Condoleezza Rice. But, McCain tells us, he doesn’t believe she wants the job.

Man, does she want it bad.

At first it seems opportunistic and fantastically cynical to suggest that the only reason to choose her would be because she’s a black woman. Which would help get both Clinton and Obama’s not-quite-married-to-them voters to switch allegiance because they like McCain, are tired of Team Democrats’ infighting and wouldn’t have to feel any guilt about not voting for the woman or the black as now they could have both.

But, what if we forget about all that and just look at Condi as a potential MMTP second-place winner? Does she have the right stuff?

Rice was born in Birmingham, Ala., in 1954 and experienced the discrimination of growing up in that time and place. During the violence of the civil rights movement, Condi lost her schoolmate Denise McNair when white supremacists bombed a Baptist Church. This experience and others hardened her thoughts regarding the right to bear arms and terrorism. By the time she was three, Rice started learning French and music. She now also speaks Russian, German and Spanish. Dr. Rice wanted to be a concert pianist but found her talents not up to her ambitions, although she still plays very well.

Rice’s academic career was remarkable. As a professor at Stanford University, she was promoted to provost and granted tenure in 1993. During her first two years in office, she balanced the multibillion-dollar budget, going from a $20 million deficit to a $14.5 million surplus. In the private sector, Rice served on the board of directors of such corporations as Chevron, Charles Schwab, Hewlett-Packard and others.

Her political career has included serving as a special assistant to the director of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in 1986 before moving on to serve Pres. George H.W. Bush on the National Security Council. During this time she helped Bush 41 shape and direct the reunification of Germany. Then when W., that son of a Bush, decided to run for president, she served as his national security advisor and then as the first black female secretary of state.

So, bottom line is this gal is certainly qualified, even if she has never been elected to office before. But, does that really matter? Is it just jealousy from all those who have fought their way up from local commission meetings? She is going to have to get elected now, right? And, although surely important, her name on the bumper sticker is going to be in pretty small print. So, why the hell not?

Tune in next week and we may get closer to discovering who gets to be No. 2 to the person who gets to say, “vice president, whatever! I get Air Force One, bitch!”

Hail to the Chief!