Sex on the Beach

Exxxotica adult entertainment convention back for more

The money shot: Stormy Daniels will appear at the Exxxotica adult entertainment convention this weekend.

By Angie Hargot and Lee Molloy

If you get aroused by ordering a pizza, have a 1970s theme music soundtrack in your shower or have ever had a handlebar mustache, this weekend’s Exxxotica adult entertainment convention is right up your, umm, alley.

Exxxotica returns to the Miami Beach Convention Center for the third time Friday, April 18, through Sunday, April 20.

Don’t miss appearances by Gina Lynn and her monster truck (really), Tera Patrick, Jesse Jane, Stormy Daniels and the donkeyesque Ron Jeremy. The event also will feature daily musical performances by Dan Diamond (that guy who did that “My Girlfriend is a Dancer” song), a nearly-nude mechanical bull-riding championship, the first annual Amateur Adult Film Awards (the AMMYs), The Bang Bus, Girls Gone Wild and a whole wad of exhibitors peddling everything from videos to vibrators to something from a company called blowguard.com.

Here are some highlights:

The Pillow Fight League is like the WWE for chicks and the formula is pretty similar. Take some fairly attractive young ladies, dress them up as “characters” like Scrapula, Polly Esther and the recently retired world champion, Boozy Suzy, and watch them pummel the hell out of each other with pillows. Yes, it’s a pretty sapphic experience.

Check it out Friday at 6 and 9 p.m.; Saturday at 2, 7:45 and 10 p.m.; and Sunday at 1:30 and 4 p.m.

Screaming O Contest. What woman hasn’t watched the seminal ’80s classic When Harry Met Sally and not wanted to slap Meg Ryan upside the head for her dismal fake orgasm? Well, ladies, you’ll get your chance to “have what she’s having” and win some prizes for your onstage O at 7:15 p.m. Friday and 9:45 p.m. Saturday.

Local fetish model, the super-hot Rubber Doll, will be performing her dark and twisted act featuring latex costumes and play. Catch her onstage in all her shiny, sexy splendor at 8:30 p.m. Friday, 5:30 p.m. Saturday and 3:30 p.m. Sunday.

What would a convention be without a beauty pageant? And just how hot is Ms. Exxxotica going to be this year? Don’t miss the show hosted by porn superstar Jesse Jane at 9:30 p.m. Friday and 6 p.m. Saturday.

Something for the boys: The Men of Adonis will strut their rock-hard stuff onstage for the pleasure of all. And, yes, there will be photo ops for those ladies who just have to be pictured next to a gay dancer in a banana hammock. Enjoy the show at 2:30 and 7 p.m. Saturday and 2 p.m. Sunday.

The Shake Those Titties Wet T-Shirt Contest. Er, well, the title says it all, right?

Check it out at 9:15 p.m. Saturday.

Plus, you won’t want to miss the convention’s numerous lectures with such titles as “Toys for Adults: How to Push Your Power Button,” “Retooling Your Body for Fun & Recreation,” and “Swinging 101: What Is Swinging and Is It Right for Me?” We certainly won’t.