RERUNS: THE MMTP ARCHIVE
Episode 15:
Jesus Wept
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"God, just
pick a Democratic nominee already!" |
By Lee
Molloy
For our
reality series Make Me the President, we scoured the country to
find the most power-hungry, Machiavellian and downright
unattractive people in the United States of America (“The
Greatest Nation On Earth” ™) to find the man, or woman, who
could raise the most money, be willing to break the most
promises and offer the most bland reason to become — The
President.
This week
on MMTP:
Former
MMTP contestant Gov. Mike Huckabee is back, and this time
he’s brought his PAC. Yes, that crazy joker who believes in
talking snakes, Noah’s ark and the flat tax has launched a new
political action committee (HuckPAC.com) to support other crazy
Team Republicans types who espouse his agenda. Welcome back,
Mike — your comedy styling has been missed.
Way back in Episode 10 of MMTP
(www.miamisunpost.com/mmtparchive.htm),
we discovered that Sen. Barack Obama had questionable dealings
with Tony “Arab-American Fraudster” Rezko and, by association,
Nadhmi “Buddy of Saddam Hussein” Auchi. Obama, however, denied
ever meeting Auchi. Well, not so, according to star witness
Stuart Levine at Rezko’s trial this week. Levine was questioned
Monday by attorney Joseph Duffy about a party held at Rezko’s
house for “guest of honor” Nadhmi Auchi on April 3, 2004.
“Mr. and Mrs. Obama were there?” Duffy
asked.
“Yes,” Levine answered.
If Obama gets Team Democrats’
nomination, Team Republicans will most certainly launch a Swift
Boat-style attack ad. Can you imagine how much fun they’re gonna
have with Rezko, Auchi, Rev. Wright and Obama’s cocaine use?
Obamamaniacs will, of course, continue to bury their heads in
the sand and pretend that isn’t going to happen, or matter, come
the general election, but there’s no accounting for naivety, is
there?
And that’s before we get to the word
of the week: “bitter.”
At a closed-door meeting in San
Francisco last week, Obama said rural Americans were “bitter”
about their economic situation and, therefore, “cling to their …
religion and guns.” That seems harmless enough on the surface,
but it can certainly be interpreted in a pretty negative
fashion. So, Team Republicans and fans of Sen. Hillary Clinton
jumped on these words and hilarity ensued as all involved fired
shots back and forth.
This issue carried into the Compassion
Forum held by our friends at CNN on Sunday. Asked about
Bittergate, Senator Clinton answered that Senator Obama had
characterized people “in a way that really seemed to be elitist
and out of touch.” When it was his turn at rebuttal, Barack gave
the best display of spinning since DJ Craze won the DJ World
Championships in 2000. “Scripture talks about clinging to what’s
good,” he said. What? Which scripture? (If anyone out there can
find it, please e-mail us.) Next, he’ll be waving his hand and
pulling Jedi mind tricks.
The questions kept coming about faith
and values, revealing some interesting information. First,
Senator Clinton genuinely seemed to talk about what she
perceived as her spiritual journey in a humble and, for her, not
particularly intellectual manner. It was apparent that she did
not necessarily draw her political philosophy or policy ideas
from her religious experience, but from a broader set of moral
values. On the other hand, Senator Obama was quite the opposite:
His ideas were articulate, obviously thought through and his
faith seemed to be linked more deeply to the way he perceives
the world and the philosophy this has given him.
However, the actual politics of what
was said was basically the same. Both Senators Clinton and Obama
are pro-choice; both are for helping people in poor countries
get drugs for HIV/AIDS; both believe that the individual (or
one’s family and doctor) should ultimately be “the decider”
about whether a suffering person can end his or her own life;
and neither is going to send the military on a humanitarian
mission under a foreign flag.
Well, as there is a mosquito’s cock of
a difference between the policies of Team Democrats’
contestants, and as Team Republicans’ Sen. John McCain declined
to take part in the forum, the MMTP producers have a
question: In the year 2008, why does a presidential contestant
in a country that has a constitutional separation of church and
state still have to profess a belief in the Judeo-Christian
God?
The United States of America has put
men on the moon, we can talk to friends in foreign countries on
cell phones while driving and, if we can afford comprehensive
health care, we can survive heart attacks, cancer and gunshot
wounds. So, why are so many still so impressed by stories of
magic tricks that David Copperfield or David Blaine could do
without breaking a sweat?
Does this country really need to hear
its potential leaders tell us how much they like their imaginary
friend? Haven’t we learned anything from having a born-again
cretin in the White House for the past seven years? A man who
truly believes in virgin birth and Armageddon, that the universe
was made in six days and that this planet is only 12,000 years
old? Seriously, couldn’t someone have shown him a dinosaur
fossil as a child and saved us from his idiotic regime?
If rational thinkers really want to
engage the religious types, they have to stop pandering and
start fighting. Here are MMTP’s thoughts on the two big
“moral” wedge issues:
Abortion. Yes, abortion is killing an
unborn child in the womb. Liberals need to deal with that
reality and stop having the stupid discussion about when life
begins because the argument cannot be won with the “potential
for life” bullshit. The bottom line is that our bodies are
sovereign territory, and if a woman makes the difficult and
painful decision to terminate her pregnancy and not to share her
body with another individual, that is up to her — and it’s
nobody’s fucking business but her own.
Homosexuals. First, marriage is simply
a civil rights issue. If two homosexual adults want to take on
the responsibilities of marriage, then they should be treated
equally under the law and be allowed to be just as miserable as
most other married couples. Second, if gays want to join the
military and defend their country — unlike most of the cowardly
chicken-hawk politicians who are likely to send them to war —
who truly can claim the moral authority to say they can’t serve?
And it doesn’t matter that there is no “gay gene.” Again, a
person’s body is sovereign and one can have sex with any
consenting adult one likes without having to accept an LGBT
label and without it being the business of anyone but the
individual and their lovers. Finally, in MMTP’s opinion,
if you are truly upset by homosexuals, then you are almost
certainly a closet queer. So, deal with it.
Anyway, tune
in next week to see who is closer to having a Bible or some
other book of fairy tales on their bedside cabinet in Air Force
One.
Hail to the
Chief!
