Dial K for Konnections

By Kris Conesa

Jennifer Aniston has already had three Miami dates with acoustic crooner John Mayer. Photo by Reuters

Hello. Thank you for dialing directory assistance. This information operator would like to thank all of you salivating celebrity gossip junkies. Seriously, from the helm of my shiny new personal watercraft, I just want to say danke schön, baby. Jennifer Aniston, you’re golden in my (check) book. Owen, don’t let the man, or Kate Hudson, get you down, and if Woody Harrelson wants to hang around your house naked and jump into the bay, you just let that little hippie go right on in. I’ll be on one of the boats outside your house waiting to get the money shot. John Mayer, you’re a greasy little bastard, but even I couldn’t resist you if you serenaded me with guitar in hand. I get it. You go right ahead and do your thing. I’m going to need some life vests and other accessories anyway.

Now, without further ado, for information on Jen and John’s first date, please press 1 (and skip to that paragraph). For news on the couple’s second date, please press 2. If you’re wondering whether John Mayer was indeed able to close the deal on his and Jen’s third date, please press 3. If you want to find out if Rachel will ever concede that she and Ross were in fact “on a break,” please press 4. To read about Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn’s new biker gang, please press 5. To read about Owen Wilson partying like a rock star, please press 6. For information on what Dylan McDermott has been up to since he left The Practice, the best lawyer show on the freakin’ planet, please press 7. For all the salacious and tawdry details of Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey’s homosexual tryst, please press 8. To end this call, press 9 or simply hang up.

1: As you might expect, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer’s first public date in Miami took place at Michael’s Genuine Food and Drink. If you didn’t know, this has been a steady favorite of Aniston’s, who also enjoys shopping for jewelry across the way at Turchin Love and Light. The restaurant is also popular on the set of the upcoming movie, Marley & Me. Aniston and Wilson, who star in the flick, have both taken a shine to the Design District eatery. Michael’s has taken a shine to them, too. They reportedly worked out an exclusive deal with People magazine to give up all the juicy details every time a celeb walks in. By details, I mean juicy tidbits like what Owen Wilson drinks when he gets there. Double Sambuca blacks, if you must know.

2: After their mid-afternoon date at Michael’s, where the new couple was seen holding hands, the two got ready for a night out on the town. Yes, evidently things went well at Michael’s. It must have been that peanut butter dessert they had. Anyway, after a little dressing up, the couple strolled into the members-only hot spot Casa Tua on 17th Street and James Avenue. They had dinner and cocktails. The alcohol must have loosened them up because witnesses report seeing Mayer whispering sweet nothings into Jen’s ear. The couple left with their arms around each other and flanked by security.

3: My guess is Mayer closed the deal. Some people said he and Aniston were lying by the pool at Mandarin Oriental on Saturday, but for their third confirmed date, JonMayerJen (come on, Mayerston and Animayer, I’m just not feeling those) had a pseudo-romantic dinner at the Mandarin Oriental, where Jen is staying. No word if they went back up to her room or if he sang “Your Body Is a Wonderland.”

4: Though she never conceded they were on a break, which in my humble estimation they very clearly were, in the episode “The Last One,” Ross Geller once again declares his love for Rachel Green right before the latter is about to head off to pursue a career in Paris. They, once again, become a couple, and in the Friends spinoff Joey, it’s rumored that Ross and Rachel got married. Joey alludes to this when in he claims in one episode that all of his friends are married.

5: Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston’s ex, Vince Vaughn, were palling around at the Miami Beach Polo World Cup on the sand behind the luxurious Setai Hotel this weekend. The two rolled in on bikes and went directly to the tent area, where they met up with Ingrid Casares and some other dude. They were adamant that no pictures be taken of them, but when they got back on their bikes after watching a couple of the matches, photographers, no doubt also hoping to get their very own personal watercraft, followed alongside their bicycles and snapped away.

6: On Friday night, after having dinner at Nobu with some friends, a disheveled-looking Owen Wilson made his way to the Florida Room, where he met up with none other than rocker Richie Sambora. Can’t say Kate Hudson would approve. Sambora just recently got arrested for DUI. The two hung out and talked for a couple of hours.

7: Just a table over was Bobby Donald, I mean Dylan McDermott, who joined in the conversation, which allegedly revolved around polo and Miami hot spots. There was also a mention of Costa Rica, where McDermott just visited.

8: With so much drama surrounding JonMayerJen and Owen Wilson and Ross and Rachel, it almost went unnoticed when Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor strolled into a gay bar together: Edison Farrow’s Tuesday night shindig at Halo, just off Lincoln Road. I can’t say for sure if they are now playing for the pink team, but I can relay that the two star in an upcoming flick called I Love You Phillip Morris, in which they fall in love with each other. So, they will just say it was research if anyone asks, but my pocketbook and I hope that is just a front and they’ll be going gay at Lance Bass’ birthday party at the Gansevoort Hotel on Sunday.

9: Good-bye.