A Fashionable Funkshion

By Kris Conesa

Had I the careful, calculating forethought to stash a cheeseburger in my pants before attending the Funkshion fashion festivities, perhaps I could have distracted the rail-thin beauties walking the runway long enough for them to miss a step and fall face first into the water waiting ominously below. It’s not like I’m some sick sadist waiting for the proverbial racecar to crash into the wall, as some will undoubtedly claim. It’s just I take my job seriously and that’s the only way I would be able to critique the water readiness of the Bejeweled Swimwear the models were sporting.

OK, fine, you got me. I’m really just a hater, and I like to see pretty people fail. Alas, there was none of that during Funkshion — not even the rain could hamper the happenings that went off without a hitch. After the Bejeweled show on Wednesday’s opening night at the Setai, the main events took place on Friday night with Russell Simmon’s Argyle Culture show and designer Richie Rich’s show on Saturday. The latter was originally supposed to take place at the Setai, but ended up happening at the Botanical Gardens inside some weatherproof tents.

Even with the stormy weather, it was obvious that Funkshion is getting bigger and better each season. Personally, I can’t wait till the next one in March. There’s just something about mixing bottles and models and music. It was like mac to my cheese, homie, and it’s safe to say a good time was had by all. Well, except by the poor starving models.

The Talented Mr. Damon

As if my beer belly weren’t enough to remind me that I should make a date with Jenny Craig ASAP, Matt Damon feels the need to rub my sedentary lifestyle in my face. The Talented Mr. Bourne, ever the consummate athlete, participated in the Escape to Miami ’08 triathlon on Sunday morning. Damon, who had been chunking up for a role he was filming over the summer, was convinced to enter the event by his brother Kyle Damon, who finished 27th in 2:23:40. Luciana Bozán Barroso and newborn daughter, Gia, were waiting for the actor at the finish line. Damon finished a 6.2-mile trek in 59 minutes and 54 seconds. Hmmm, he’s going to have to do better than that if there’s going to be, as rumor has it, a Bourne part IV.

Celebs Who Suck

Fortunately, or not, I’ve been blessed with a profession that surrounds me with the lifestyles of the rich and famous on the regular. And while it’s true that for the most part celebrities are pretty much just like you and me, it is also equally true that every once in a while you stumble across true douche bags. That being so, I thought it only fair, funny and, yes, totally vindictive that I warn any would be autograph seekers or photo chasers not to risk a celebrity encounter in the concrete jungle. These four in particular come to mind. They are not to be trifled with.

1.                  Jeremy Piven: True to his lovable/ass character Ari Gold on Entourage, this actor is far more ass than lovable in real life. Don’t believe me? Just ask John Cusack. The two used to be bosom buds, but haven’t been friendly since Piven became a household name. Does Ari = ego?

2.                  Jamie Foxx: Often seen wandering the streets of South Beach, unless you’re a full-figured beauty you’d be hard-pressed to get a picture with the Oscar-winning actor, who has been known to put his hands over the lens of any unwanted flash bulb in his face.

3.                  Nicky Hilton: This heiress, who recently pulled hosting duties at the reopening of Karu and Y, could hardly be bothered to do just that. She showed up around midnight, headed to the gardens in the back, and then ordered it closed off from the rest of the peasants. She stayed for about an hour before Scott Storch allegedly picked her up.

4.                  Craig Ferguson: Who? Oh yeah, this Scottish funny man who used to have a show on Late Late night and was once asked about an interview he had recently given to Playboy where he touted the wonders of haggis. He evidently didn’t like the question, proceeded to throw a hissy fit and demanded that the reporter be kicked out of the party.

Spotted:

The recently divorced Alex Rodriguez having dinner at Prime 112 with Madonna gal pal Ingrid Casares on Sunday.

Those American Idol makers Randy Jackson, Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell all made the rounds around town over the weekend, stopping in at Set on Thursday night and Mokai on Friday night.

At the opening of Cabana One in Coconut Grove: Salt-N-Pepa, Kristin Cavallari and The Sopranos’ Robert Iler and Cindy Taylor kickin’ it on Friday night.

Russell Simmons at his fashion line’s show during Funkshion. The Argyle Culture fashion show on Friday night saw Simmons along with Ryan Seacrest, Randy Jackson and designer Richie Rich.

Upcoming:

Get a taste of Art Basel when cocktails and art unite at Wreckless Abandon, featuring the works of Rostarr, opening Saturday night at 3100 N.W. Seventh Ave., Miami.

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