Nov. 20, 2008

As a rule, holiday comedies should be funny and heartwarming. Four Christmases is neither. What a dull, lifeless mess this is, a movie so bad it makes the 82-minute running time feel way too long. There are five Oscar winners involved, none of whom are funny. Only Vince Vaughn, who plays a jerk better than anyone, scores some decent laughs, although even his callous rants can’t save this lump of coal.

The premise is simple: Happily dating, Brad (Vaughn) and Kate (Reese Witherspoon, Oscar: Walk the Line) dislike their families so much that every year at Christmas they tell their relatives they’re going on a charity trip to a Third World country. In reality, they’re escaping for a grand vacation in an exotic locale, but this year their plane gets fogged in and a nosy TV reporter reveals their plan to their families. Before they know it, they’re visiting each of their divorced parents on what’s now to be a very long Christmas Day.

They start with Brad’s father, Howard (Robert Duvall, Oscar: Tender Mercies). He’s a primitive brute who likes to watch his other sons, Denver (Jon Favreau) and Dallas (Tim McGraw), beat up on poor Brad. Later, it’s revealed that Brad’s given name is Orlando because each son is named after the city in which he was conceived, and this knowledge is supposed to make us laugh. It does not.

Kate’s mom (Mary Steenburgen, Oscar: Melvin and Howard) doesn’t believe in physical Christmas presents, largely because her boyfriend, Pastor Phil (Dwight Yoakam), speaks against the commercialization of the holiday. This leads to Brad and Kate participating in a Christmas pageant, which (though it reeks of desperation) is one of the film’s funniest bits. Afterward they see Brad’s mom (Sissy Spacek, Oscar: Coal Miner’s Daughter), who’s dating one of his childhood friends, and finally Kate’s dad (Jon Voight, Oscar: Coming Home), who barely registers. Along the way Brad can’t install a satellite dish, Kate is puked on, and they question whether their superficial relationship is what they really want.

Dysfunctional families are not new to Christmas comedies, but director Seth Gordon’s movie feels like four Saturday Night Live segments with very little in common. Four writers (Matt Allen, Caleb Wilson, Jon Lucas and Scott Moore) are credited for the screenplay; whenever there are more than three it’s cause for alarm, largely because a unified focus is hard to achieve with that many perspectives.

Accordingly, there are small continuity gaps that make you wonder if anyone read the script in its entirety. For example, Brad’s mom at one point calls him “Bradford,” which is not something she’d do if she knew his given name was Orlando, and although Kate has crushing stage fright during the Christmas pageant, it’s Brad who gets tongue-tied when a TV camera is on them, while Kate speaks loud and clear.

Of course, none of this would matter if the movie was funny. But that’s what happens when you’re bored: You start noticing the little things that usually wouldn’t matter, and it makes you dislike something even more. For Thanksgiving, thank yourself for doing something smart, and avoid this movie.